The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
After my addict son called and was stranded on Saturday (due to getting messed up on too many pills) I blocked his calls & texts because I wasn't going to his rescue and he can be relentless with calls and texts saying whats going to happen if I don't go along. So by sunday he had somehow gotten back to his house, he used a different number to call me from. He was unhappy with me for not taking his calls, etc. He asked if I would take him to court (he has a warrant situation he needs to address) this morning, that I said I would do. I unblocked his phone number. Last night he texted that someone in his house had "given" him heroin and oxycotin and that he needed to move back home to save his life. He has been trying everything under the sun to get back into our home and we are simply not going to do it. He texted again this morning that he wasn't going to court, I said ok. Then he texted again about moving back home to save his life. I basically suggested that he call resources within our county for help, ask the judge (when he goes to court) to be referred to drug court, to find help on his own. Told him I love him, but nothing I've suggested (in the past) has been acted on and I can't handle the drama. He is manipulating me, to make me feel I am at fault, when I know I'm not. I wish it was making me angry instead of making me so sad. I'm trying to stay on my side of the road.
Sadness, to me, is the underlying feeling in my experience. Anger didn't hurt and helped me feel like I still had some kind of power/control. No parent wants to do this in relationship to their adult children. Unfortunately, the disease sometimes requires us to step way, way back when we'd rather go towards it if we want to let go and let God and keep our sanity, too.
It doesn't really get any easier in my experience, but it can make more sense as we continue our program work on ourselves and stay out of our adult kid's business.
Heythere, WOW you are doing so well, keep it up, he is definitely trying to manipulate you, but you are very much aware of it. Stay deep in your program. But do let yourself feel the sad feelings and cry sometimes...try not to leave in all inside. In support.....og
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Don't Worry About Growing Old, It Is A Privilege For Some Of Us.....
If certain people had not used tough love with me in my past, I still would think they are responsible for me. I am now grateful to them for helping me to get out on my own after my divorce and figure it out. I now do not enable my children in that way, thanks to some of my late life lessons I had to learn the hard way. I now know it is my responsibility to take care of myself financially, physically and emotionally. You work a great program. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Hi Heythere, I get this whole scenario, you said no he had a bit of a tantrum used his skills at digging up the guilt and you felt the guilt then he thinks you are sufficiently guilty enough to start doing what he wants, hence you agree to take him to court and while the guilt is working he may as well up it to emotional blackmail to say the only way he can survive is if you take him back. If you don't take him back he will continue on this path and may die and its all your fault!!
This is immaturity and temper tantrum stuff that my son did, this was his expertise, this kind of behaviour and it worked for years, I was such an easy touch. Now I can see it for what it is and I dont fall for it like I used to.
I think its perfectly okay for you to keep him at a distance while he is making the choices that upset you. He is not going to say okay Mum I understand I will start doing the right thing or I understand that you have a life to lead with peace and serenity. No way!!! He is going to have a tantrum, kick his legs, use blame, guilt, use any of your weaknesses against you and all with the aim of you keeping on with the status quo, keep on enabling him to live this way indefinately.
Your 'no' was a bit of a shock, he may need to fend for himself, or God forbid, take responsibility for his own life and make some changes that are not easy or comfortable!!! and that is not what he wants. Thats okay, in fact that is the correct course of action. Your 'no' WAS doing the right thing, its your yes's that are dangerous to him even though he wont see this truth. Change is uncomfortable for all of us but particularly someone with an addiction. Your plan A sounded brilliant to me, hes got you off track, because thats what they are good at, but its okay to reclaim your decision, its okay to tell him you want to be left in peace, no money, car journeys, telephone calls. You need some time to work on your own health, your own mental health and maybe he should do the same. I love you, goodbye for now.
You are as entitled as him to have the life you choose. He is choosing his way but also dragging you in, only you can decide to stay on your own path, he can only drag you in if you let him. I wish you the best of luck, this is my journey also.x
I concur with my friends above, you are doing the right thing and I applaud your courage to stand up for yourself and your life. As Older Gal suggested, give yourself some time to grieve a little but keep in mind where you are in your journey. You sound so strong. It does not get any easier, but I have found that these "episodes" have lessened in frequency. Please remember, you are not alone in this situation.
Sending you prayers....
-- Edited by LeenieBeanie on Monday 13th of January 2014 02:18:27 PM
It's funny....with anyone else we would be outraged wouldn't we? I'm the same way.....Awww poor son. I need to do this, I need to help with that. Well come to find out nothing I ever do works or helps. Only more hurt inside.
Your doing great.....just keep it up and work your program in your own way.
Your not alone.... (((( hugs ))))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Heythere, heythere. I like that share...I like practicing program that way and have the opportunity on a daily basis. I've learned that sometimes when I'm feeling sad I'm actually feeling compassion or empathy. That means my heart is in a right place and I'm still powerless. Yay for you...keep up the good work. ((((hugs))))
