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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> What is denial?
Post Info TOPIC: What is denial?
el-cee


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What is denial?
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I was wondering what denial is to you. 

For me denial was when I chose not live in reality, I chose to sweep hard facts under the carpet because they seemed too enormous to deal with. Denial for me was also the idea that I could change my alcoholic partner, if only I said the right thing or cooked the right dinner etc, then he would love me and our children the way he should. I pretended to the world that everything was fine, I may have had a sleepless night, spent crying and worrying but I put on that false face, the rest of the world was the least of my worries though because I denied my true feelings to me, I lied to myself that I was okay, I didn't even really care enough about me to actually look at how I was.

The C2C page 180 on denial says

'My life is too important to waste waiting for someone else's choices, even when it's someone I dearly love'

page 191 says

' It is not enough to look only at the parts (of life) we like. It is necessary to face the whole picture...'

Page 239 says

' In Alanon we learn more productive ways in which to cope with alcoholism, ways that don't cost so much in loss of self. With support of other members, and with tools and principles that offer direction, we become able to face what is really going on. We go beyond mere survival and begin to live again.'

I think denial is a coping mechanism that has a purpose but it keeps us from taking the correct action for our own lives. alanon tells us that we must forgive ourselves and treat ourselves with compassion and we must go beyond survival and begin to live.x

 



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Melly1248


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"Oh, he's really been trying lately. He's really sorry for how things have been. I think everything is going to be OK".
On so many levels, that sums up my denial for the past 7 1/2 years

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SerenityRUS


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For me it was pretending it was just a phase he had that would eventually go away. My denial about myself was if he would just stop drinking everything would be fine. Peeling away the blinders and seeing the situation as is not as I want it to be .. the mind is very powerful especially when it comes to survival.

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Jerry F


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El-Cee you sound like my elders; most of them women who in Al-Anon helped to save my ass from killing myself the hardway...the way in which what is hurting me continues to live while I die.   Your post is right on as the others are and will be.  My answer is metphoric...Imagine...Me standing out in a rain storm covered with a blanket shaking my metal rod against the storm...thunder and lightening.   I get enlightened and don't learn anything.   ((((hugs)))) smile



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el-cee


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Jerry, I have taken a leaf out of Oldergirls book, you know just throwing a topic out there.x

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PP


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What everyone else said, and for me, thinking there is nothing else I am denying!



-- Edited by PP on Sunday 12th of January 2014 05:28:28 PM

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Paula
Jerry F


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I deal with leaves on a daily basis and all of them come from trees...Hmmmm Oldgirls book would be higher education for me.   LOL  The elders (women) of Al-Anon use to tell me, "Jerry F, you have to get in touch with your female side" and they use to love to see me cringe at it.   However...were they right?  I'm still here and still very much alive and happy.  Still dress the same...49er tee shirt, shorts, slippers, and haven't changed my name to Lucy or other.   LOL    ((((hugs)))) biggrin



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Cathyinaz


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My son is going to get better this time, no this time, no this time.

He went through so much hurt and pain, he is so sick, he cries and says this it it...I"M DONE.. PLEASE HELP ME

I'm in denial.....




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neshema2


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b4 recovery i was in denial b/c of my inate need to protect myself...the reality of my life would have been too painful, perhaps shattering had the "security blanket" of denial had been torn off me, so i lived in my alternate reality...."oh it wasn't that bad"  "well he loved me..just in a bad way"  ...Denial is usefull to a point.....it was one of my step 4 survival skills...I had so detached from the abuse, I dissociated from my entire life....that , to me was denial at its most powerful, however at the time, I had to shut down and "deny"  now , of course, it no longer serves me

When i got into program and was serious with meetings/sponsor/step work/slogans/literature/other self help books/workbooks, i began to SEE with my EYES what really was in my life....i could come out of denial , piece by piece and face the pain, feel the feelings and because i survived that, reality no longer scares me in fact, i prefer it...I do not, ever again, want to live in anything but the truth and reality.....



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hotrod


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Denial for me means I am refusing to see and accept  what is actually going on. It is a tool that  i used  to deny my true feelings and the reality of what i see and feel.

 I would tell myself""  I am imaging it, I am over protective, over emotional, crazy, It is no big deal, it will all work out  It is not important." This all helped me destroy my own self esteem and self reliance.  I did not even know that I was doing it at the time.

 Thank you alanon for helping me see.   smile



-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 12th of January 2014 02:09:16 PM

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Betty

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abell


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Denial for me is saying, it wasn't that bad. Yesterday he literally told me, it's all in my head, i'm freaking out and there is nothing wrong. He's older and he has it all together now. he actually told me this time it will be different, and that I need him... you know he's lost a LOT of weight since last time i seen him... liver disease? none of my business? feels so good to return to my side of the street and rest in my own bed, where at least i can control what is going on around me, there is peace joy and serenity, and no elephants in the room or panic/anger/anxiety lurking beneath the surface as i stand there and try to act 'normal' and smile and say something interesting.

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PP


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A clarification....I suspect I may be denying something when I begin to believe I am not denying anything.  When I begin to feel really fatigued and I am waking up at night unable to fall back to sleep, these are indications there might be something I am denying. 



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Paula
grateful2be


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My denial often came in the form of "I can take it. I'm strong. I can get through this if I pray enough, eat well, exercise, hang out with people who are strong, too." I ignored the way I felt both emotionally and physically and kept on working, exercising, eating right, hanging out with positive, strong people. I kept telling myself it was my job to "be there" no matter how I was treated and I always looked for ways to "keep me there." When I realized one day that I was taking what I didn't need to take, was there for folks who didn't give a hoot who was there as long as somebody was there, realized how my body was screaming at me to move away from the people I couldn't change who were toxic for me, I dropped a lot of false information I had about myself and recognized I couldn't "take it." I was stubborn more than strong. I was praying, eating, exercising and socializing myself right into an early grave because for all the healthy things in my life - those things I thought I could and should take were killing me.

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Breakingfree


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I am not in denial...... Okay so I still am about some things, but I do feel more layers of my blinders peeling away and bringing me a new awareness in regards to my exAH. I did the best I could at the time, but now that I know better I will make better decisions for my girls and I. I had been in denial thinking, because of my family of origin it must my cross to bear staying in a marriage where it was all about him and my life was about pleasing him and everyone around me. I learned I do not have to be sacrificed any longer. I am learning to take good care of myself in mind, body and Spirit. I no longer have to be so strong, perfect or above anything or especially anyone. I am becoming more accepting of everything, compassionate and loving and far less judgmental. My denial ran deep and so I won't know if I am fully out of it until I am, hindsight, but I know I have many al-anon tools and am wiping away as much denial as I can to live life to the best of my abilities and trying to wipe away the dysfunctions of old. Great topic. Sending you all love and support!

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oldergal


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I think when we are "in denial" , we are sometimes asleep or unaware of what we are doing and don't always do it on purpose, consciously. But because we have used it many times over to protect our vulnerable selves we fall into it for survival purposes. It is a kind of tuning things out because we can't handle them right now. Its always good to have good friends who will "tell you like it is" so you can see your denials.   og



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Debilyn


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For me I totally did not see or know my A had relapsed. I mean completely NOTHING. I was so in denial it blew me away! I believe people in denial absolutely do not see their hand in front of their face. They honestly are blind to whatever it is.

For me again, I believe I was so happy, so finally in the best place in all my life, my heart and mind would not allow me to see the truth.

Sadly now I am the opposite. I will see things even if that is not the reality of it. I don't believe any man will ever be trusted by me again. I will never believe that one loves me. never. That is today....I am working on it. hugs hon, debilyn



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