The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just need to vent and also ask if any of you ever experienced a stage where your A began questioning you trying to get every detail of your life while giving no false information. Friday night predictably AW went out and stayed out at her gf's place. So I made arrangements to stay at a friends place with our daughter to avoid the inevitable depression of being in our place on Friday night with our daughter while she is out.
She calls to speak to our daughter and our daughter begins to cry please tell Mami to come home, you tell her to come home. We hang up. My daughter cries herself to sleep saying she is sad that Mami is a work and she will never see her again. I say don't worry I love you and I will always be here Mami is sick one day she will get better but she can't come home because she is sick.
Saturday AW meets us at My daughters 10:45am capoeira class. She's late but my Kid is happy. So I try not to be angry. Yes I fail that anger stays bottled until I get to my f2f later that day. When the class is over at 11:15 AW says ok so you are taking our kid to the al anon meeting. I said no I would take her if you didn't show up. Kids are allowed at this meeting. She says no that's not what you said. I showed her the email I sent the night before staying the exact thing I had just said. She rolled her eyes.
I dropped them off at home with my mother in law and went to my meeting. it was good I felt better. At 4pm we were scheduled to meet at her cousins house to have dinner with his wife and two kids aged 2 and 8. I got there just as they did. AW says how did you get here. I said it doesn't matter I am here and am not late. She says I just want to know. I say no AW you don't get to know everything about where I am and who I'm with because we don't live in a world where I give you all the information and you give none. FYI her new meds kicked in Saturday night so I expected this wave of anger. At her cousins house she begins to lie outright lie through her teeth about why our kid is at a sitter on Fridays instead of with her mom. She says it was her idea to give her mom a day off. I look a her smile and go to the restroom. I have nothing to gain by pointing our that I arranged Friday babysitting so we would avoid waiting former at home.
These are the same cousins that we go away with every summer so they ask about this summer and I tell AW what do you think she says oh yes we will definitely take our family trip this summer. Again I say nothing. AW thinks everything will just be fine that all she has done will go unnoticed.
When we are in the cab on the way home AW says you lied about al anon you said it was a support group for spouses of depressed people. I look at her and say al anon is many things to those of us who attend. She says so what you are a liar. I say I'm closing this conversation because it doesn't matter how I recover or where I go to do that it's not your recovery it's mine. She calls me a liar. We get home at 9pm and she says "I'm going out" and I say ok our kid and I have somewhere to go. She says no you can't go out with her. I say yes I can I will not wait in this apartment for you neither will she. AW says but I thought you just wanted me to split the chores with you. I said To AW Sunday night when you didn't come home to us was not about chores. You did that. We waited and you didn't come home to be at your gf's place. So If you want to go out fine don't stay here wanting to be there but we won't wait for you we will see you at church tomorrow. She gets angry. So which one is it our kid didn't ask for me or she can't stop asking for me. I said AW in California when you arrived late for our family holiday trip to sped the weekend in NYC with your gf our daughter did not ask for you. But
On Sunday when you promised her you would come home she asked for you, last night she cried and told me to tell you to come home. You called her on FaceTime you saw her cry. AW says whatever. I say ok I have an al anon online meeting now. Have a good night.
Today is Sunday we have church at 10:45am. I have a f2f at 1pm. Send strength.
By the time I chose to separate from my husband, I also chose not to do any "family or friend things" with him. It would have been too confusing for my kids, for me and for him. In this way, he did what he wanted to do which is why I separated from him in the first place and I didn't need to see it, hear it or be bothered by it. I had enough on my plate caring for the children that needed one parent who didn't come and go or tell them one thing and do another. In doing this, he could no longer try to control my comings and goings and I could no longer expose myself to his unhealthy behaviors unnecessarily. He didn't want a relationship to us. He just wanted to do his thing and so I let him. By doing that, I rebuilt my own non-existent self-esteem and quit setting myself up for arguments, frequent violence on his part (he was physically abusive as well as addicted), and more heartbreak. So, no, I didn't have that experience to the degree you are.
I did experience his continual lies - addicts lie - and some of them directly and indirectly hurt me and my kids. Learning to keep the focus on me and what I needed to do for and with my kids helped me detach more. I learned to trust that whatever lies he told about me or about the reasons I was divorcing him would influence only those who wanted to believe him even when they knew he had a drug problem. I had no control over that. I chose to live my life as I lived it and let the chips fall where they may. I didn't lie for him. I didn't cover up his lies. If something wasn't true, I said so. But, I also continued to move myself away from him - not towards him. At some point, he moved about 2400 miles away from us. That was a big help to me but his kids missed him. It was still better for them in a way because they're exposure to his addiction was more limited. (Courts awarded him unsupervised visits then - that wouldn't happen now). Their lives could continue with more stability and routine without his coming and then not coming for his visits.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 12th of January 2014 08:33:03 AM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 12th of January 2014 08:41:24 AM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 12th of January 2014 08:41:56 AM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 12th of January 2014 08:44:42 AM
I know that you are truly "TRYING Hard" and I support all your efforts. It certainly sounds difficult trying to keep up the "Pretense" for your child. Not wanting to remain in your own home if AW is out at her GFs seems counter productive and unsettling for her Taking your daughter out to sleep overs if AW is not home can be very disruptive to her sense of security.
Alcoholics lie and love to catch others in lies, We who live with the disease use the tool of "Pretend" and live in denial. Both tools are destructive to our sanity and new way of life.
Program tools helped me to learn to consider what I truly needed without reacting to the Alcoholic, I needed to not react to the alcoholic and had to learn to make decisions based on what was best for me and my family I could not do that without working the program diligently That is why it is suggested that we make no major changes in our lives for the first 6 months.
The posts by Grateful and Hotrod are golden. It was suggested to me, and I listened, that I keep what I said to my AH to a minimum, as his brain twisted my words and intent and I ended up wrapped in the abyss of insanity, even when I was clear. "Say what you mean, mean what you say and don't say it mean" worked for me. I also assumed everything he said was a lie and that took the second guessing out of the mix. I did not cover and I did not lie for him, but I was discerning about what I said to whom. Our kids know more than we think they do. Telling your little one that her mom was sick is the truth and could save her from thinking she has somehow caused the problems...from my experience, these little ones make up their own stories to make their little worlds safe. I did it as a child. Blessings, sweetie.
