Prayers - Al-Anon Family Group

Hope2000 · Veteran Member

Prayers

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, Hope. You might have made things more difficult for yourself, but what he chooses to do is his responsibility - not yours. You practiced self-care and setting boundaries by staying home rather than to get in a car with him while he was drinking. Now, you're reaching out. More self-care. Prayers for you and for him. Even though you couldn't ride with him, his HP is. Turn the outcome of his choices into his hands and his Hp's. Trust that no matter what happens - and none of us know until we know real facts - you will receive what you need for your HP when you ask for it - and you are. (((H))) It sounds to me like he was going to drive with or without you. Even if you'd kept still, he would probably still would have taken flight to do whatever it is he thinks he needs to do. You are not responsible for his poor choices or for his disease. You did what you could do. It didn't work. Try to calm yourself and listen to your HP.

oldergal · Senior Member

You refused to go with a drunk driver, something we would tell our kids...right, you stood on your boundaries, you did nothing wrong. I am sorry your family friend died, and that your husband is not taking it good. My prayers for you Hope...and that some God sent serenity will come over you. ....... og

Jen61 · ~*Service Worker*~

Prayers are being sent your way. Please keep us posted.

Hope2000 · Veteran Member

Thank you all, he still hasn't came home. I've not tried calling him. I've been on my knees praying and asking my HP to keep him safe along with everyone else. I have to have faith. Everything spun out of control so quickly that even when I was driving him I was shaking and afraid just because of his anger and the GRIEF!!All I wanted was to get home. I could see no matter how calm I tried to be he was raging. I only seen hatred in his eyes and no amount of pleading, crying or begging was getting through. It was just like a switch flipped and I realized I lost. Now my crazy mind is on nonstop replays of what ifs, my kids have I made the correct decision.

Venera · Senior Member

God bless you! I hope everything will be good, I am glad you are safe!

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi hope, im sorry this sounds like a scary experience, I can relate to the tension. Im glad you didnt get in the car, at least you are safe.x

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Hope)))) you've done the best you could with what you had...no gain in second guessing yourself now...get out of the way between HP and him. You've said your prayers...we will add ours and your AH will have to do his part and earn the consequences. Let us know how things go for you both. If he's still grieving when you see him next...tell him about the 3Cees. ((((hugs)))) smile

Beatrice · Senior Member

You can't control his behavior, we are powerless over others. We can only control ourself and our behavior.

You did great by not getting into a car driven by a drunk person.

You find with many alcoholics that everything is used for fuel to continue to drink or going on a binge. Your AH will be fine. What are you going to do?? Are you going to calm down and find serenity for yourself, read your Alanon material, take a warm bath, light some candles, listen to soothing music. This is a good time for yourself, to find your balance again.

Keep working it , it works if you work it.
Hugs , Bettina

yanksfan51 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hope:

I agree w post-ers above (Jerry) that you did the best you could w what you had and (Grateful) that it seems as if he was going to drive regardless of whether you went with him or not. It's crazy-making, but you kept your kids and your self safe. Many prayers to you--I and many others here have had nights just as you described.

((((H))))

yanksfan

Mimi3 · Senior Member

Hope~

There is nothing that YOU can do or say that will make your alcoholic drink or to make things worse for him...he can however make them worse for yourself...

I am sooo incredibly proud of you for saying NO to him, NO is a complete sentence and your HP gave you the courage to say it and stick to it! Be proud of yourself!

I know how scared you are right now, just in you HP, WE ALL HAVE TO FIND OUR BOTTOMS, HOPEFULLY YOU ARE BOTH FINDING YOURS so you can dive into Al-Anon & get better and he can figure out what is best for his life...I will be praying for you!!! Great work Hope....Let Go & Let God

Monday, December 28, 2009

Open Letter from the Alcoholic

The chairperson at a meeting I attended recently, who is also a member of AA, shared on this "Open Letter to the Alcoholic," which I've always thought was very powerful. I hadn't read it for a while, so it was a good reminder to me. The letter appears in the Al-Anon pamphlet "Three Views of Alcoholism." If you're not familiar with it, I've included it here:

Open Letter from the Alcoholic

I am an alcoholic. I need your help.

Don't lecture, blame or scold me. You wouldn't be angry with me for having cancer or diabetes. Alcoholism is a disease, too.

Don't pour out my liquor; it's just a waste because I can always find ways of getting more.

Don't let me provoke your anger. If you attack me verbally or physically, you will only confirm my bad opinion abut myself. I hate myself enough already.

Don't let your love and anxiety for me lead you into doing what I ought to do for myself. If you assume my responsibilities, you make my failure to assume them permanent. My sense of guilt will be increased, and you will feel resentful.

Don't accept my promises. I'll promise anything to get off the hook. But the nature of my illness prevents me from keeping my promises, even though I mean them at the time.

Don't make empty threats. Once you have made a decision, stick to it.

Don't believe everything I tell you; it may be a lie. Denial of reality is a symptom of my illness. Moreover, I'm likely to lose respect for those I can fool too easily.

Don't let me take advantage of you or exploit you in any way. Love cannot exist for long without the dimension of justice.

Don't cover up for me or try in any way to spare me the consequences of my drinking. Don't lie for me, pay my bills, or meet my obligations. It may avert or reduce the very crisis that would prompt me to seek help. I can continue to deny that I have a drinking problem as long as you provide an automatic escape for the consequences of my drinking.

Above all, do learn all you can about alcoholism and your role in relation to me. Go to open AA meetings when you can. Attend Al-Anon meetings regularly, read the literature and keep in touch with Al-Anon members. They're the people who can help you see the whole situation clearly.

I love you.

Your Alcoholic

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs hope, post an update when you can .. keep taking care of you and the kids. Prayers, love and support your way .. YANA :)

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Considering how he behaved last night, maybe it is a blessing for you and the kids that he isn't home? He isn't going to be a dream to be with considering the amount he drank now either. His not being there is a good opportunity for you to take good care of yourself and the children without more drama. Prayers, Hope.

Hope2000 · Veteran Member

Hi all, he never came home. He never called. I did text this morning and he did reply he's fine. So I guess I have my HP to thank for that. He just walked in as I was writing this. He smells of perfume, cigarettes and beer. He has a beer in hand as we speak. I couldn't help, I asked where he had been. He looked away and told me he stayed in his car. Problem with that story is it dropped below freezing and he only wore a tshirt and jeans. I know he's lying but the thought of him being with another woman last night breaks me even more. I did tell him I know he's lying. He Denys it then explains the perfume from being from a lady he ran into at the store. I guess I should be thankful nobody was hurt last night regardless of who he was with. I know that's something he needs to live with but the thought of him cheating AGAIN is consuming me.He is not sober, he told me he's leaving me! Wow! After 15yrs and he decides he need to leave me because I wouldn't go with him. If I had just gone then he said none of this would have happened. I'm really struggling here with this. I've lost all focus on me. He's in the shower now at what point do I stand up for myself. I realize all of this done this morning is because he's still drunk.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

It will come to a point you will not take it anymore and will start thinking about you and what YOU want.

He is going to drink or he's not....he is going to see other woman or he's not. What are you going to do.

It hurts bad...really bad but all the begging, pleading, crying or worry will not change until something changes....and that can start with you.

Prayers for you and him that you will both find your way

(((( hugs ))))

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Disease is talking, Hope. Singing and humming always helped me block its white noise.

Hope2000 · Veteran Member

He had finally passed out. My kids are still away with friends. I've decided to let myself have this time to cry my heart out and grieve for the marriage I always wanted and tried to force. All the time of me forcing him to choose me. I'm going to hurt now and then I'm going to take a nap. I have to pick my kids up by 3:00 today and resume my role as basically a single mom. I'm just so lonely, I've been lonely for a long time and accepted what ever "bones" he would throw my way. I've been dependent on him financially to help maintain the life I so wanted with and for my kids. When I wake up, I'm stopping the pity party I've currently in. There is nobody who can see my grief. Before he passed out, he had the nerve to ask me if I would drive him 9hrs away to attend the family friends funeral. I never answered but I know the answer I need to give him....no. I need to work and care for our children. I really would like to say no, why don't you have who ever comforted you last night take you? That would be wrong. I guess my question now is, when he sobers up. Do I bring any of this up? Do I just go about my business as if last night and this morning never happened? Do I remind him when he's sober he's supposed to be leaving me since he was so sure this morning? Currently in my emotional state I don't want to get up, the thought of eating, working or socializing depresses me even more but I know I've got to push through those feelings. I just need advise on how to act when part 2 starts when he wakes. Lord knows I don't want to make things worse.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

If it were me, I would say nothing and find an al anon meeting asap. "What you do or say can and will be used against you"... that just popped into my head as I was responding and it fits with an alcoholic relationship. Prayers for all of you.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Agreed with PP completely .. are you in a place to have a reasonable conversation? based upon your responses you have the right idea getting to a meeting and taking care of you. If he brings up the funeral .. no is a complete sentence .. I used to say I choose not to participate in this conversation further or I walked away when the unreasonable requests would come in and I had already given the no answer. Make today about what you need and let him dirty himself out .. arguments are the diseases way of looking for a drink .. you don't have to participate. Hugs I'm very glad YOU are ok and taking care of YOU!

Hope2000 · Veteran Member

Thank you PP and serenity, your advice is appreciated and will be taken. Obviously my gut reaction to how to deal with the situation has never worked. Next meeting in my area is tomorrow night. I will be attending, I just needed suggestions on how to make through today as peaceful as possible. Thank you all for being my sounding board. My family and friends don't understand so I've been so alone for so long with this disease. Thank you again.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

We will help you to stand until you get your sea legs.

oldergal · Senior Member

You gotta be strong Hope, dig way deep down inside and find your "strong woman" if you need motivation, here's some "do it for the kids" they no longer need to live like this. They are innocent and need you to protect them. Be prepared because when you tell him you cannot take him to the funeral, he will manipulate you, and try to make you feel like sh*t. We all are praying for you and know you can get through this. in support.....og

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I am glad you have MIP and al-anon face to face meetings, having that finding my sponsor and working the steps saved me from a string of miserable days that last years until I dug into my program and started taking good care of me. I can relate to your story more than you know and am sending you prayers, love and support!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

We will help you stand...you are not alone...try thinking about what it is like to love you like you "love" him. "Love" not being returned. The disease has been having him leave you for a long time already...saying that to an enabler is a manipulation designed to get you to back off from trying to get your needs met. Sucks!! Alcoholism is cunning, powerful and baffling...until you stop participating. (((hugs))) smile

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Hope, if you have some private time and your ah is out of the house there is a local alanon hot line in your area that has some one you can talk to real time. It makes a difference .. hugs

Hope2000 · Veteran Member

Just wanted to update, after his power nap he was pretty sober. Had to go into work and by the time he got home was realizing what he did and the pain he's caused. He of course apologized, he is very emotional over the death. Was really close to her as a child. His parents passed early on and has taken this harder then I expected. I did have the conversation about the funeral. He understood why I can't drive him and because of his DUI he isn't able to drive himself. He didn't get extremely upset, I guess he knew deep down after everything I wouldn't take him. Last night was a somber mood in our house. Of course he didn't mean anything he's said, he allowed himself to cry and grieve.. So why do I feel guilty today? I spoke with him earlier and he's at home. He just said he's in the dumps. I immediately want to fix this and make him happy. As of now he hasn't drank but I know that's how he copes, he drinks, so I have no expectations of tonight. He still denies being with anyone. I'm not asking anymore, it is what it is. Crazy how after the worry and stress I went through as soon as he is sober I immediately see the man I fell in love with and I want to fix everything for him . I feel bad that he feels bad but I know it's not my problem. His guilt, his grief are emotions he needs to work through. Thank you all again. I didn't even think about the ph# I could call. That's a great idea. My pity party helped, kids coming helped pull me out of my funk. I get up and get on with what makes me happy. Not sure what the future holds for us. He did find som boxes I had packed the evening before for goodwill. During the chaos he never noticed, he seen them yesterday and thought I was leaving. I have to admit I did enjoy the bit of alarm in his voice and worry in his eyes when he asked..lol...thanks again for all of your support.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs .. glad you are ok and taking appropriate action to take care of you! Hugs :) it's ok to have a pity party just don't get glued to the pity pot. It hurts and tends to take skin! :)

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I used to feel guilty because I felt so angry and out of control and worried and then my A would show up in some way and act sweet. This stopped when I realized I was allowing the disease to manipulate my thoughts and my feelings with the same ole-same ole concepts that would just go round and round in my head. Learning to think differently with the help of folks who understood this disease and had been in the program for awhile plus working my own program was a big help in the "disease-controlled concept" department.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Monday, December 28, 2009

Open Letter from the Alcoholic