The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have had a couple of thought provoking things come up recently and the court stuff is crazy .. while there is nothing new with that really there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I can share more once things have settled down a bit. I have learned a LOT in this process though and I am grateful for those lessons because I wouldn't be feeling ok with what is about to happen. We are set for bench trial on 1/23 of this month and our daughter (14) is going to have to testify against her dad. I hold him and his wack-a-doo attorney responsible for this chain of events. My only part is I kept saying "STOP" and he made a conscious choice not to listen. I was forced to take action .. this was one of those boundaries that I felt it had to be done just because I have another 9 years of dealing with him on some level. Based upon the outcome of the bench trial there is one huge thing off of my plate. I am thrilled to think that this will be happening .. either way it goes .. I will be done with monthly court appearances.
The offer that at this point is being refused I think he's stuck on the fact his drinking has been called into question and he's going to go to court with the statement I wasn't drinking .. and I do laugh not out of this is so funny .. OMGOSH .. it's pathetic and sad. I do not want our daughter testifying against him .. however .. I have no control over that as she is the witness. The whole story boils down to it doesn't matter what happened or why it happened .. he violated the EOP during that time and that's why we are at trial. This is all about the words no drinking for 12 months and the level of denial of the drinking .. he is going to get on the stand and call his daughter a liar and I don't think he's figured out that she's testifying against him. The judge is soo going to be pissed .. that's probably putting it mildly. I'm just grateful I have all of us at therapy.
Something that was brought up was why does he want the OP dropped (this is part of the parenting agreement which he hasn't signed)? Honestly, I hadn't even considered what is the benefit of having the OP dropped because if he thinks we are going back to the way things were he's sadly mistaken. Truthfully, if I were him I'd be doing a happy dance because there is no reason for contact .. he hasn't seen the kids in months, he can't stick to the topic of the kids he's constantly trying to discuss the divorce case I have been very clear on the fact that I won't discuss it with him because he can't be civil about it. He goes to the kids for visitation stuff which he hasn't seen them in about 6 - 7 months at this point .. very, very sad. I am very happy with the OP only because if nothing else it's a boundary for me as well .. no joke .. based upon some of the things that have recently happened such as my kid getting hit with a summons the day after Christmas .. ohhhh .. I would have just gone off on him. So honestly he's saved from himself in terms of his own sickness and I don't have to hear it because I don't want to. PLUS it keeps my mouth in check .. I'm grateful!
I feel the same way I did before going to court for the Temporary Support and the Modification .. I'm going to be fine .. the kids are going to be fine .. him .. not so much .. this is going to be bad for him. Usually after court there is some kind of episode ... usually alcoholic. He's throwing away (if he doesn't take it) the offer that is on the table and opting for jail time. It is REALLY sad. He will loose his job. He will be hard pressed to find another one and it's not like he will collect unemployment either. I'm thinking 60 - 120 days based upon how irritated the judge in this case is .. to my knowledge and my limited experience with him he's not in impressed with either my stbax or his atty.
1 text is going to cost him 4k .. if he takes the deal .. if he doesn't I'm doubling that because .. like I said the judge will be irritated for wasting the courts time. Every time I think I get how sick he is .. a new level of the disease is exposed .. I am reminded how powerless I am over the affects of alcoholism .. I am reminded how alcoholism makes my life unmanageable and my thinking has the potential to become unreasonable .. I am reminded how progressive the disease is .. and I am reminded that I am so extremely grateful not to be caught in the spin of this whole mess directly .. the kids and I are collateral damage which sucks .. it is what it is kind of thing.
I don't feel helpless and I like that .. I own my powerlessness in the situation because it just is what it is .. radical acceptance = accepting powerlessness .. helplessness = victimization .. I'm just not a victim or a volunteer. I'm just in this place of I don't want to say surrendering .. I still am not fond of that word .. LOL .. I can do radical surrendering .. like I can do radical acceptance .. maybe it's a California thing .. LOL .. .
Something I realized was there are a LOT of big milestones coming up and a couple that have passed .. the last Tuesday of December 2010 I started Alanon. So I am at my 3 year marker, still working the steps .. still working with my sponsor .. I haven't done a big 4th step I have been doing major minis. I don't like the blue book for progress what a pain in my hinney! Why can't we go the AA route on the 4th step!? I have been attending open AA meetings for 2 years now. STBAX has been out of the house as of 1/28 for two years give or take a couple of days. I am extremely grateful for everything that I have been through in ways that really mark the passage of time. It took a long time to stop counting in days, I got to weeks and then slowly months .. now I can think in terms of years and it doesn't hurt. I have officially been trying to get divorced now for 18 months. A girlfriend of mine said OMGOSH .. you may be married forever and I thought as long as I'm not responsible .. I really don't care .. he's headed down a bad way at this point. He is a classic AA Big Blue Book drunk .. I mean text book. There are 4 ways out of addiction .. recovery, institutionalization (medically or jail, I count as two different steps) or a body bag .. last Feb 2013 I told him he's headed for jail .. he scoffed and now what he's facing he's probably just absolutely confused and bewildered that this is even happening .. it's sad. He has done 2 out of the 4 and he's skipped recovery at this point so he's not found his own bottom and that is his journey to follow. I only mark it because I am thinking of the kids.
No more monthly court and I do believe this will finally push him to finalize the divorce .. he's the one holding it up .. he's the one who won't sign the parenting agreement .. he's the one who will not act upon what it is he needs to do .. he still hasn't taken the parenting class and in my state without that the divorce can't be finalized anyway. So this is all back to him.
Being in this place of powerlessness feels really good right now .. I have been so much stronger in terms of making sure of taking care of me, keeping the focus on me and the next right thing for the kids and I, the knowledge and trust that God will catch us .. it may be scary .. it will be ok. My journey is my journey .. I'm way ok with that action.
Thanks for letting me share, S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Lots of prayers and hugs for you, S. With so much complicated stuff required by the state and the courts with an A who can't admit he's an A, the concept of keeping it simple with a focus on you and the children must feel like mental and emotional heaven to you?
Grateful .. that is probably the hardest thing to do when in the middle of the tornado that isn't mine. Yes, .. it feels good to know I can detach in a way that is healthy for me. How do I continue to keep the focus on me when this outside crap is just piling in on me? What he does or doesn't do .. that stuff directly affects the kids and I. It means me having to pay an extra bill, it means me not getting the money he's suppose to send, it's just like I said .. I'm tired of being his collateral damage (ALL of us) .. whatever he wants to do to himself .. he's free to do. I'm just done .. I really don't care .. it sounds cold and it probably is .. I just have nothing left to give to him and I have to own my part in the enabling I have done up until Feb of this past year. Hands off, it's completely unhealthy for me to get involved not only for him for the kids and I as well.
He chooses not to listen as well and I don't know if this is just him .. or if it's this whole issue of it's A behavior and again .. doesn't matter .. it's very hard to have a conversation with someone who is having a one sided conversation and my daughter found that out at Christmas time with the package stuff .. LOL. She was just floored and says .. does he listen to anyone?! Umm .. probably only if it serves HIM and what HE wants .. no .. if it means responsibility if it means consequence of action .. no he chooses not to listen.
This too shall pass thankfully ... sometimes like a kidney stone .. it will pass. There will be an answer next week, we are either going to court or he will take the deal .. sooooo .. we'll see. I hope his atty has enough sense to take the deal ..he is going to look like a moron if he doesn't and again I can give more information after the conclusion .. the funniest thing is I now know why the letters have gotten so nice.
S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I'd be a basket case by now. You're handling this so well, S. And I had to laugh at the first sentence in your last paragraph - like a kidney stone, it will pass.
An active A's disease is only interested in what we can do for it. Anything other than what we'll do for it isn't on the radar screen.
I understand done. I've gotten there myself. And when I got there, I stayed there - with the exception of turning everything into my HP's hands - just to see if there were any more marching orders for me. And yes, you are so right - it does pass.
BTW: You don't sound cold to me. You sound like you've reached your limit. We all have 'em. We're with you, S. I'm praying for some relief for you. I hope you don't mind?
OMGosh .. PLEASE send all of the prayers you want .. I am a firm believer in prayers .. there is nothing wrong with that .. I've been asking my church to pray for closure and I feel like this is the first part of the whole deal to that.
That is a saying btw I got out of the open AA meetings I attend and I LOVE that saying because it matches the let go or be dragged and I have plenty of bloody knuckles from hanging on when I should have let go.
For me there has been more than one conclusion of being dragged kicking and screaming the whole time that I wasn't letting go if my life depended on it .. LOL .. usually God steps in and sees that my fingers are pried from the handle bar I'm hanging on to.
I just found a document I was looking for and MY atty's office was being less than helpful about .. LMAO .. OMGosh .. that is going to make for some interesting reading in court. I may not have an atty after this week and this may not be a bad thing .. LOL!
Hugs :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
LOL .. PP .. this is why I started questioning was the EOP for him or for ME .. Here it is .. I haven't physically spoken to him since JUNE and yet he still takes action and hurts the kids. So some deputy shows up asking for my MINOR child my gut reaction was to reach for the phone and give him the biggest chew out there is and then drive to his residence and finish the job in person. I kept saying to myself .. ookkk .. it will hurt my case .. ok .. it will hurt my case .. LOL! Every thing is related to that one thought, .. I'll admit I'm calculated in that regard .. if it hurts my case it's not worth it .. I have my dark fantasies to draw from and I go to my timelines and update those immediately. Even my daughter looked at me and said Mom .. are you going to be ok? Eventually .. I'm thinking .. 2 years is not long enough NOT to have him bothering me. I was very clear with the states atty that I hold both his atty and him for this debacle and don't be surprised if I take a couple swipes at his atty .. I'm good for that. I kind of think the judge expects it after the last go around we had for the temporary support .. I'm no shrinking violet. I shook .. LOL .. I don't shrink. The judge actually started laughing after one of our interchanges and I was respectful just clear what my expectations of my stbax were and I will be clear again.
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
You're awful busy Serenity...I read your post and remember what I use to do and it still gets me weary. My sponsor use to tell me that when we talked about my recovery he didn't want to hear the pronoun her, hers, her name, wife...anything that refered to my alcoholic/addict and what she was doing, what I thought she was doing or not doing, what she was thinking or planning...nothing. If I did he would detach from me and I stopped growing. I finally got that Al-Anon was for me and me alone regardless of how and where and with whom "she" was. It was a surprise one night when I was dispatching for the CHiPs that I got a call for vehicle and driver identification on my wife...DUI...the surprise was that I told the officer "the party is known to me" which gave him enough that he could come in later and finish his write up and I went back to work not wondering how she was processed. I still don't know and it still doesn't matter. When I left her completely alone she got sober just as promised in my program. I went back to her once and we both relapsed...as promised. Powerlessness is a walk for me and not a talk...I use to try the talk and my sponsor did the detach. Being teachable for me is the definition of humility...I didn't like the program or the people in either program when first introduced to them and I continued to screw myself over. I tried doing the program my way at first and got fired by a sponsor and distanced by the fellowship who really wanted serenity. I wanted short cuts and easy ways out until I ran out of wiggle room. If I ever thought is was someone special and was allowed to cut corners I was wrong 100 percent. I finally went after it as suggested and I've got most of my sanity back. I'm still progressing. An Al-Anon in open AA meetings has to have some motive to be there other than themselves unless they are alcoholic. I am one and was 9 years alcohol free before doing the steps necessary to certify myself as alcoholic and then I went to AA for me...most entirely to prevent me from relapse...drinking again even when I never thought I had a problem because of it. My Al-Anon 4th steps helped reveal the presence of alcoholism in my life way before I even knew what it was. I don't go for anyone else because it doesn't help anyone else get or stay sober but me. AA is my HP's idea not mine.
I like AA. I love Al-Anon. I like your information on powerlessness. It is an extention of the discussions we had in our Annual "Day In Al-Anon" event here on the big island. (((((hugs)))))
Jerry, hugs, I go to open AA meetings because it's my compassion fuel. It is completely about me in that regard .. it teaches me about the powerlessness of the disease for the active A. It teaches me not to take it personally. It taught me far better than alanon how to set boundaries and stick to them. AA has also taught me how to talk to an active A what to take on and what to leave. If I wasn't listening to recovering A's I would be the one in that court room being sentenced people would think i was nuts.. There are 5 weekly (1 ai 10am counted in that number) alanon meetings a week. There are about 150+ meetings monthly of AA .. when I'm I'm a bad way unless the situation concurs with meeting schedule .. i have a place to go to remind me of my alanon program. The time isn't good for me during the week so I get to what I can, Friday night and Sunday. It's a hit and a miss on all of them AA, alanon both. Alanon meets at night AA meets during early morning hours. It wasn't my alanon friends digging me out of my driveway Wednesday from a snow storm/blizzard .. I called an AA person and him and his wife came and got the kids and I out. I just don't see a bunch of 50 - 60+ year old women shoveling snow in my driveway. I live in the country. It's a long gravel driveway. Yes I'm tired .. this has been a long process .. going back to that relationship or any like it .. not on my radar. My picker is broken and I have to repair me first. Trust in myself and my hp are directly correlated so until I get that in order .. I'm out of order on the dating scene. If i can't trust me .. i surely won't trust anyone else. Plus I have to get the divorce finished .. I'm old fashion and it's a safety for me. Alanon has taught me i have choices. They are my responsibility. Alanon has taught me I have a part in the dance I did with the A's in my life. Alanon has opened my mind to forgiveness .. to be willing to be willing .. that is pretty big for me. For me AA has been a big part of my recovery because without it as well as alanon I wouldn't be as far into my own healing. There for the grace of God go I .. it reminds me any kind of substance abuse is not the way to deal with problems. It keeps a stark reminder of what I deal with and how powerless I am over other people, places, things and the past. Hugs ..
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
You are awesome! Keep working your program sister and keep showing us how to take good care of yourself and your kids. Sending you prayers, love and support always!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I have to agree with everyone, great example of letting the program work. Hugs and prayers as you and your family go through the craziness and then the calm that will come.
. 