The material presented
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Have been working on letting my addict son go. Have not spoken with him since Monday and as the week wore on, it became apparent to me that most of the things he had said/promised since before Xmas were lies. I had been waiting to see if he had been telling the truth and wasn't surprised that it turned out he hadn't. Today he texted, he was stranded and had lost his id. Translation, he got all messed up after filling prescriptions for whatever, passed out or wandered around until he sobered up enough to realize he had no way to get home. I texted him back and basically said, "Sorry for your troubles, but they are your troubles to figure out. I'm blocking your number from my phone". Perhaps that was not as loving as it could've been, but it was the best I could do at the time. He already knew I was unhappy with him. I'm a bit anxious about this, but it feels like the right thing to do. He has tried calling the house phone, he has called his sister (she lives out of state) trying to get in touch with me. But I'm going to hold firm and not speak to him. I've been saying the serenity prayer, seems to quiet my mind some. I'm expecting drama to follow, there always is. Praying my HP keeps me strong. And his HP is with him.
I know how hard it is but it does it easier as time go's on. I have found they find a way out of it. It might be temporary until the next crisis but they seem to manage. I also found being on the streets they learn so many things about where to get food, shelter and even illegal things if they so choose. Thank HP my son didn't go into stealing from stores like one of his past friends did. Or maybe he did I just don't know.
Once they know you are not going to be there for them, they might get desperate enough to seek the right kind of help.
In regards to my son he's with his father again and is not learning a thing. I have a long way to go.
Keep your HP close....you are not alone.
((( hugs )))
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
He has sucked his sister into the drama. She called me crying, not because she wanted me to go get him, but because she didn't want to not say anything in case something bad happened to him. Putting her into that position, in my mind, is far worse than any lie or manipulation he has told/done to me. I told her to block his number and to look into alanon meetings her area. She knows he is an addict, she knows he is a f'up, but she loves him (just as I do) none the less. His manipulation has reached a new low, he has always left her out of the drama before. God grant me serenity.
Heythere: A big help for me was the Alanon Pamphlet "The Merry-go-Round called Denial" (or on that order). I pulled that out and re-read it many a night. It's usually in our beginner's packet and if not, it might be a download at the Alanon WSO site that both you and your daughter can read and reflect on. There was a time when not stepping back on the merry-go-round was more painful for me than being on it was at the time. That pamphlet was the single most important help I had in my possession when the disease did its push back both in me and outside of me. We're going against our natural bent as mothers and sisters. The best support for me was the Al-Anon fellowship, a psychologist who was trained in working with families like ours, a friend who cared about me and helped me take care of myself and a nun who "got it." But, they still weren't going through it. That pamphlet helped me go through it.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 11th of January 2014 08:27:22 PM
What you're going thru is so difficult because it is so different that what you first thought or learned you were responsible for and to and then the 3 cees come along and wake us up. He can choose his own consequences and then do the things to get them...Allow him the dignity for that. Stay strong...in support (((((hugs)))))
Our expectations of others is what gets us angry.
I've heard it said if you don't want an addict to lie to you don't ask him any stupid questions like where were you last night or why do you use drugs?
They don't know the answers to those questions any more than we do and they don't know how to be honest any more than we do.
If I want to allow someone the dignity of making their own choices i can do that but how can I trust them if I have to block their number because I can't even trust myself not to pick up the phone?
I'm the woman I can't trust.
I don't have to be cruel I can just not answer
Best
For me, to have any peace, I had to block his phone from mine. He can be relentless with the calls & text messages & the things he threatens to do if I don't come. He called his sister a vile name and she was trying to give him ideas how to get back, but wouldn't use her credit card to send him $. He has just burned me one time too many, I love him, I hope he finds his way. But he is so far into his addiction right now, the best help I can give him is none at all. We were all together for Xmas eve & Xmas morning, he looked healthy, was on best behavior, giving me a little hope that he was moving in the right direction, so this has stung a little more than it should. And I don't want to be cruel or say angry things to him, so better to not say anything at all. I'm taking care of me and giving him over to his HP.
Heythere: As a parent of a persistent A, I get it. I haven't blocked my phone and I don't answer his calls. I have had to take the phone off the hook in the middle of the night when his drugged and drink fueled calls were all demands, threats and desires for things I couldn't and wouldn't do or give his addiction. Putting distance between you and your son in the ways necessary for you are all that matters right now. You may make new decisions in the future, but right now I see you are doing what you can to take care of yourself. When my son isn't using and isn't making huge demands or threats and is actively engaged in working in some way on his life, I can lower the boundaries/drawbridge a bit. Mothers or not, our job isn't to allow inappropriate, bullying, demanding or threatening behavior by our kids. Sending you lots of encouragement and support as you work through this as best you can until you can do it differently with program and HP guidance. (((HT))) Those of us who are parents of As understand the difficulties associated with the untreated manipulations of the disease in our children.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 12th of January 2014 03:17:24 PM
