The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been through a lot these last 6 months. I have gone from leaving my verbally abusive AH because I had lost myself to the point where I was afraid I would end up hurting myself in a rage. I got a fun job, got into a great Church, got into alanon, this board, got into CoDa, and a family support group where my AH went to rehab. I am happy to say I have found myself and can be myself around my AH for the first time since we met 14 years ago. This is the most comfortable I have felt in my own skin for a long time. He has played a small part in my happiness as well because he did go through rehab, and no longer verbally abuses me. In fact he tells me how wonderful I am all the time. Yet, he is drinking again.
It is hard to put things into perspective to an outsider...I will best explain it this way. He is totally functioning (and he has sense enough to not drive). He does get wild from time to time, usually at a friends house. And he does make poor decisions and has done drugs a couple of times, regretfully. (he will really regret it when he od's)It sounds horrible as I put it in writing, but I suppose that since it is my life I feel pretty blasé about it. For now, the most important thing is that I am not obsessing (at lest not like I used to) about what he is doing or how much he is drinking. While his drinking is a disappointment, he is only killing himself. I sleep fine.
I went to my family support group who sort of attacked me for staying with him. But I have no children I only have myself to worry about. I have found support and am working on my own recovery. Trying anyway. So I am having a tough time with this desire to "get him" to stop drinking. I believe that we will have a better marriage, life etc, if he stops drinking. I know that I would be relieved if he were to stop. I am also fearful of what the future holds, since this is a progressive disease. And I am a little mad at myself for being so lazy, and not really taking action. While I can't be the one to decide for him if he stops, I don't want to "wait" on his promises and the next thing I know my life is behind me. I also know that if this progresses he will be back to drinking a bottle of liquor a day and doing drugs. But at the same time, to be frank, I am comfortable. I am tired of being tired, and this is the best I have felt in ages.
I am trying to remind myself to stay in the present, to not think too far ahead. But days turn into months, and months turn into lifetimes. I'm afraid my life will pass me by. Or I suppose I could try to get my needs met by others or activities. Like I said, I am happy, but I will never know what I am missing. I have lived this way my entire adult life.
I don't want to leave because he is drinking (although that's the gist of it)...I would feel like a hypocrite, believing wholeheartedly that we have to decided for ourselves our path of recovery (or not). I can't measure his recovery. He would also hide the booze if I did make it a condition. But he is really good at easing into things...Its JUST a beer, its JUST a little bottle (or 5) of liquor, I was ONLY at a friends out vs a strip club.
Yet at the same time, If that were my "boundary" then its my boundary, but its not....yet.
When I get in this type of a place I try to get really clear on what I need in the present moment..it helps me to go through the 3 a 's, HALT and talk with a program person. When I determine what I need, I take the action that is best for me right now, in the moment. Sometimes it is face timing a grandchild, doing dishes, taking a bath, sitting outside, having coffee with a friend, eating mashed potatoes, playing in my studio, responding on the forum, giving support to a family member or friend, prayer, writing a gratitude list, etc. I really try to stay grounded and it does take practice and discipline. You have some great insights in your post...stay with them and work your program. Keep striving for your peace and happiness in the moment.
-- Edited by PP on Friday 10th of January 2014 10:41:23 PM
Thanks for your honest share... It bothers me to hear that ppl are giving such directive advice into your life at one of your support groups. In Al-anon we try not to EVER , ever give advice -if someone told another to leave their A or was angry because they stayed it would go against our guidelines of helping others through offering our own experience, strength and hope. That is good Al-anon in my opinion.
We have to hit our own bottom with dealing with the disease sometimes and it is hard to know if and when that will come. If I took action because someone else said it was the timely thing to do and not because I was really ready, I might end up blaming them if it didn't go as hoped or I would end up taking the A back in because it didn't come from my own inner resolve. So I think staying in today is a good thought, but also keeping up with sharing and the steps which lead us to self reflection and so then naturally you are not as you said allowing weeks to turn into years if u do end up still feeling stuck. I might try and set a date to revisit the idea after working the program a few months and looking back at my old posts and journals to see how far I have come and if I still feel the same way in 3-6 months.
I focused on myself a lot when I first came into program and kept working at looking at my motives for doing and saying what I did. I needed to abstain from obsessing about my A as much as I thought he needed to abstain from alc/drugs. I became stronger from listening at meetings, talking to ppl after the meeting who had what I wanted, reading the literature. I set boundaries and tried to "mostly" keep them through trial and error--it took me a while to realize that boundaries were for me to follow--not to change/control another's behavior--a wise al-anon friend told me "the A has the right to drink-it is really none of your business. what is your business is what you will do with your life and your time and your energy and how you will keep yourself feeling taken care of in the midst of the A's chaos if u stay" That floored me--but I found it is true and have accepted it through the step work. There are great pages on setting and following through with boundaries, knowing what is acceptable/mature or unacceptable behavior, in the daily al-anon readers.
Sending prayers your way for you to continue finding success using Al-anon and your HP as your direct and open line to gudiance, wisdom , love and strength!!
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Wishing all the best on your recovery journey, Luv
Susie, you don't have to decide anything at this moment. It sounds like you are doing some important work on yourself that will help ensure your happiness whether you stay or go. That is great progress. Keep moving in that direction!
It took me a long time to realize that Alanon is the only place that I could go for the help that I need. I received tons of advise, judgement, comments, and a lack of general understanding from my family, friends, and others outside Alanon. Alanon members experienced the powerfulness, cunning, and baffling of the disease and learned skills to strengthen inner weaknesses that help to lead peaceful, happy lives.
Fear can loom large, but it is not impossible to tackle and conquer given tons of persistence and time. To over come my fear of missing out on life, I started doing something positive for myself each day. In the beginning, this seemed daunting, even though I started small. I've since upgraded it to one new thing each week. I can look back on the year and smile at all the cool things I've done or learned. ... sometimes it was growth - not so much fun, but equally important...
Perception is an interesting thing too. If in doubt, don't comes to mind. There is no need to force a decision one way or the other. For me, at the time, I felt I was leaving because of his continued actions and behaviors- the disease progressing and progressing, but I can also reframe that to "I left because staying became an untenable situation", or "I left because I needed to take care of myself."
-- Edited by bud on Friday 10th of January 2014 11:55:36 PM
"the A has the right to drink-it is really none of your business. what is your business is what you will do with your life and your time and your energy and how you will keep yourself feeling taken care of in the midst of the A's chaos if u stay"
Yes! this is the truth! But I hate it.
Thank you all for responding. I really need some wise words. I have already gone out and staked out where I thought he was. But I have to admit that it is purely MY FAULT that I am letting myself get so involved. I was on top if things for quite a while and now I'm slipping. I think I took the comments they made in family group to heart. It was a good reminder of what all I have to learn, as well as how far I've come. I know in my inner being that I am on the right path...I used to completely ignore my inner truth, so Ihave come a long way. But at the same time I realize how easily their comments got to me. I don't blame them, but it is not an "alanon" group. Luckilly my alanon group was right afterwards and one of the other ladies had confirmed that it was like an "attack". But I'm a big girl, and I disagree with them. but it certainly got me off balance.
I guess I just want him to stop so bad that I am ready to "threaten" him, even though I really don't want to leave. And truthfully, there is not that much chaos when I am in my zone, so to speak. I have regretfully gotten lazy about having my morning meditation time, and I missed one Alanon meeting and two Coda's in a row. I realize now, that it is having a negative impact on me.
You all had really great insights. I shouldn't be making any big decisions in an evening. And reflecting on things is a smart idea even if I SHOULD be making a decision tonight. lol. I ought not to rush into anything right now.
From the sound of it you're still rather young (from this ol' girl's perspective) but have traveled that hard road we all do on our way to Al-Anon. There we learn to keep the focus on ourselves which I hear you doing admirably! It's not about the A, we are learning that we suffer from the same disease as he/she does...cunning, baffling and powerful and the consequences of the disease inevitably lead to institutions, jail or death without a the daily reprieve working a program provides. That is true for the alcoholic as well as for the alanon. Quite simply we cant live happy, joyous and free without our own program of recovery. If I leave the alcoholic because he or she is the one with the problem then I'll just find another one to take his place. As it says in the CAL, if I find a program of recovery to fix me, then I can find "contentment and even happiness whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not."
You sound like you have an excellent handle on what this is all about. It is also recommended we make no major changes in our lives for the first 12 months of recovery. The family after-care you speak of doesn't sound like alanon literature if they're giving advice and judging you for staying. Its not about what the alcoholic is doing or not doing, its about us. I'm sure you'll know as others have said, if you choose to stay or go, you'll come to that choice in good time when you're ready.
Congratulations! You've got the first two steps at the least well in hand if not more. Go to meetings, get a sponsor, share here and with others your experience, strength and hope, and the daily reading of Al-Anon literature. These things are what heal us too.
Hi suzie, your awareness and acceptance in growing, it shows in your posts, they are less about him and more about you. For me when I keep the focus on me, what is good for me, all of me then the boundaries I make are not threats, they are about what makes my life better. You cant change him, threaten him to stop drinking, like you said he would hide it. Its a progressive illness so you cant stop that either. The only things you can do is change you, that doesnt mean bury your head in the sand and ignore chaos, especially if its hurtful, I know I can do this, especially when Im scared to take action when I know that the action is the part that will get me serenity. Maybe the action part is where courage is needed and it can take time to get courage, it can take caring more about ourselves and wanting more for ourselves and for me thats all program work and doing the next right thing consistently.x
i am feeling much better now. I don't feel like i need to threaten him, although I may point out to him that I don't want to hang out with him while he is drinking. I went to my Coda meeting today, and then went shopping and bought myself a beautiful handbag and a wallet as well as some things that I splurged on but I need as well. I had a nice trip back home. I even decided to install my dishwasher myself! even the plug! LOL Yet it still leaks, so I can't use it or my hot water. I will just go to ACE tomorrow to see what they suggest. Then I vacuumed and mopped. So my house is tidy =). (all but the dishes haha). I am pooped out but quite satisfied.
Oh, I almost forgot to mention.. when I got home from shopping, He was WASTED hanging out with 4 younger guys ""helping"" them lol . They pretty much immediately left. HOORAY. I have been occupied and have not thought much about him being gone other than Im so glad I have the house to myself.
I gave myself a break today from having to "decide" anything - thank you all. Thank you thank you thank you. Great day, and I am looking forward to tomorrow - its sunday and I get to go to church=).
Thanks for the share, SS. It takes courage to stay and it takes courage to go. Nobody gets to make that decision for us because ultimately, we are responsible for the consequences. Good that you know although there are folks in your group who mean well, they still can't decide what you should or could do. There were lots of folks who thought I should stay married, but they didn't know all the facts. Only those of us who are married know the whole story and then its only the tip of the iceberg. I'm glad I divorced my husband and yet I also know there are others who have stayed for reasons that make sense to them and that's all that really matters in the end. (((SS)))
