The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
... i would not fight for love from others all the time
... i would feel proud for my achievements
.... i would not be angry all the time
... i would become a mother right now
... i would make people around me happy
... i wouldn't feel invisible al the time
... my parents would treat me like an adult
... my friends would take me serious
... the men in my life would treat me kind and with respect
... i would be able to stand up for myself
... i would feel like i belong
... i would be creative as I used to be
... i would dare to move forward
... i would not like to prove people wrong all the time
... i would not be loving the wrong way, or too much
... people around would be able to see my sensitivity and value what I am ready to give
If I was be a good person, i would be grateful for what I have and who I am ... but I'm not and even the simplest wish in life turned into an expectation somehow, that I'm not entitled to have.
I apologize for this moment of self-pity, completely out of program....this is just how I feel today. and I'm overwhelmed to see that I doesn't improve much since I came to Al Anon. I'm far sicker than the A's in my life...so who was i to judge...at least they are happy and carefree, father ...boyfriend........ that's a point where I will never get to. I follow the footsteps of the women in my family...all caretakers, ...they all ended frustrated and angry. Family disease.
I see a critical word left out which is "If I BELIEVED I was a good person." If you don't believe it, you will accept abuse and feel sorry for yourself. Tortuga, all you have to do for today is know that you are worth having good things and the life you want and then to the next right thing to get there. Wake up tomorrow and do it again.
To my knowledge, you haven't been able to do alanon the way it would work best due to where you live and the lack of F2F meetings. I hope that in the future you can really work alanon using a sponsor and fellowship. You can't fix your broken mind with your own broken mind. Self-study alanon doesn't work that well.
LOL, I have done this, but now on the flip side, now you can make a gratitude list. You are human and as such have needs for attention, love, and sometimes a need to cry. Beating yourself up for having these needs will not help, take the best care of yourself possible. Sending you much love and support today!
I forgot to add it is not your job to make other people happy, you are not in charge of their feelings or lives, just your own, so do something that helps you today!
-- Edited by Breakingfree on Friday 10th of January 2014 01:49:24 PM
-- Edited by Breakingfree on Friday 10th of January 2014 01:50:55 PM
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I agree, a gratitude list is needed. The definition of a good person is subjective, of course you are a good person, you are just having a good old pity party. Use your prayer, your books and get your chin up, those one person parties are rubbish.x
I know you know in your soul what the truth is...I read this recently and loved it: "We do not think ourselves into a new way of living, we live ourselves into a new way of thinking." Blessings Tortuga
Make a list of your assets, too. The disease likes nothing better than for us to turn ourselves upside down and inside outing looking for all that is "wrong" with us. Gratitude and assets daily make a difference. If you get stuck, ask folks to help you list your assets.
Geez, Paula is on fire these past few days! I love what she shared on this thread. Tortuga, you are doing great. Your HP has you right where you are supposed to be, trust that and know that all things worthy of accomplishing take time and energy and commitment. Once you commit to recovery, it gets easier to take the time to do the next right thing. You are on a beautiful path. Sending you lots of support!
I know all too well the place you're huddling right now. It is so hard to work a program with only the committee in our heads to share with. They have no ESH so cant give it away! So find a means of f2f support that you can use or until then you can do a more private dialogue through a Private Message. You're just hurting because your hopes and dreams have been crushed. There's nothing wrong or unhealthy about that. It is normal in a person suffering from the disease of unrecovered alcoholism. So do something kind and pampering for yourself, play a little like a child, give yourself a treat, take a nice hot bubble bath with candles, music, etc. like a spa day you would like to give a friend ( we hardly ever will splurge for something on ourselves we would happily do for a treasured friend). Then learn the magic of repeating affirmations. The ones I learned were "I am a child of God worthy of love, respect and regard, worthy of having my needs met, worthy of a miracle happening, without need of explanation in my mind, soul, body and life. I have a beautiful spirit, a playful mind and a heart that deserves to feel loving-kindness." Then I wrote it on a sticky on my bathroom mirror. I repeated it every single time I saw the note...and slowly but surely I came to believe it. I did deserve love and gradually that belief began to change me.
Keep updating us on your journey. I take it you live in a remote location. Why cant you go to f2f meetings, if you don't mind me asking?
I am sorry that you are feeling so low. As I remember, you have had a great sadness in your life recently, being unable to attend meetings and living far from home can all combine to enable you to feel this deep sadness.
Grieving is painful difficult process and takes time. Give yourself permission to feel all these negative , self defeating feelings and know that eventually you will get to the point of acceptance. Then you will be able to move forward.
Another version o f what Paula stated is: "We cannot think ourselves into right acting, we need to act our way into right thinking."
You are not alone.. Use your tools, stay in the day, pray and keep coming back.
By the way, any of the alcoholics that I know are not carefree and happy.
.
-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 11th of January 2014 10:00:35 AM
Thank you for your support. I am indeed living in a remote area where there is no Al Anon, nor AA...
But I am currently back in my home country for the holiday, since I am going through a burnout sort of. So I am planning to go to an Al Anon meeting coming week... wow, after almost 2 years, I will sit in a real group and speak up with other people who know. I guess that will be different....i have been sharing a lot with friends and tried with family also, but for some this seems to be too much a delicate subject, and some just think i am over-reacting and am just an over-emotional person who cannot handle life on my own, and some simple get tired of hearing it all over again. so maybe this will be different. lets see..... some hope is there
I have experienced the same isolation Tortuga and it is very hard to work a program without program people. I'm praying the meeting will be one where you can find healthy support and caring. If it isn't just keep going to different meetings til you find one that suits your needs. Good luck and I hope to see you here as well. I spent 4 hours absorbing alanon last night online and it has made a world of difference in my feelings of self-worth and peace and gave me the ESH I need to make good decisions.
It can be very overwhelming and feeling like this happens, its just staying in that place that is concerning. Sounds like you have plans to keep working through this. Wishing you peace, and from what I see of you here you are a good, kind, compassionate and loving person. Hugs, this too shall pass.
