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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> grasping and implementing the concepts, positive results
Post Info TOPIC: grasping and implementing the concepts, positive results
barbaralewis


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grasping and implementing the concepts, positive results
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accept the things we cannot change:  the financial whirlpool sucking us down as a result of trying to help (which we now recognize as enabling) our adult A children.

 accept that we cannot make our adult A son take care of himself by getting a drivers license and a job as his lawyer instructed him to do before his case comes to court.

 accept that we will never see that bail money again.

understand that our thinking he would be better off out of jail so he could look for a job and get his financial act together was projecting our thoughts of what his actions would/should be.

 trying to help but understand that we just enabled him again.  

understand that we listened to his words instead of paying attention to his actions. realize that his words do not tell the whole truth of the situation.

realize that he will never pay us back for all the debt that we have accumulated on his behalf.  resolve that this will be the last time we help him financially and  pray that we can be strong enough to detach with love. it should be easy now that we have allowed ourselves to become financially screwed.  

result: detaching with love. allowing him to experience whatever repercussions that may occur as a result of his choices, actions, and inactions. 

be so so grateful for our adult A dtrs current state of recovery.  thank God her suicide attempt was unsuccessful.

thank our HP for bringing her out of despair and addiction to the point where she is strong enough today to accept the reality of the need for financial responsibility of herself.

 thank our HP for giving us the strength today to tell her of our financial situation and for all of us to be able to have that conversation calmly and without tears, blame, accusation, raised voices, or slamming doors,  just acceptance of the facts.

understanding we have enabled her and that it has hurt us and has only prolonged the inevitable for her.

 for the courage to tell her that while she can live and eat with us, she has to get a job outside of our business, to bring in enough money to pay her personal bills, that we can no longer absorb them for her.

understanding that that this is something we can change.  

result:  she applied for three jobs online within an hour and is going in person to apply at another today.    

times are extreme but i feel peace.  even though my husband is lying down trying to lower his b/p and relax his coronary arteries. these past two years have been hard on him, he feels the weight of everyone's world.  i am trying to help him with reading to him from this board. 

i have grasped all of these concepts thanks to all of you and the existance of this board, and the experiences that you have taken the time to share.  thank you so much.  



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Cathyinaz


~*Service Worker*~

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Welcome Barbara

I read your post and I see you have done all the things I have done. It's so sad to see your adult child destroy their lives and bodies to this point. I'm right there with you trying to stop this madness we have put ourselves in.

This journey is not going to be easy on you or your husband but with help from Al-anon and MIP you can come to terms with this situation and what you need to do for you and your Daughter going forward.

Start with the first step: We admitted we were powerless over alcoholthat our lives had become unmanageable.

Again Welcome and keep coming back because you are not alone

(((( hugs ))))




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 Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth

Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.

 
deacon


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Oh Barbara, there are so many people here who can relate to what you are going through. It's a hard lesson to learn that we cannot fix our children's problems no matter how much we fear the suffering they will have when the consequences come home to roost. And I can see it is a weird kind of relief when you can honestly say, " Sorry my child but we have to take care of us now."

Time for you and hubby to take care of each other. The kids, and your daughter is showing this, can take care of themselves if they have no one to lean on.

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Mimi3


Senior Member

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Barbara~

Thank you for sharing with us!! WE all truly have done the best we could with what we knew!! Please hold onto that thought and forgive yourself!

Keep Coming Back!! 

Monday, December 28, 2009

Open Letter from the Alcoholic

 
The chairperson at a meeting I attended recently, who is also a member of AA, shared on this "Open Letter to the Alcoholic," which I've always thought was very powerful. I hadn't read it for a while, so it was a good reminder to me. The letter appears in the Al-Anon pamphlet "Three Views of Alcoholism." If you're not familiar with it, I've included it here:

Open Letter from the Alcoholic

I am an alcoholic. I need your help.

Don't lecture, blame or scold me. You wouldn't be angry with me for having cancer or diabetes. Alcoholism is a disease, too.

Don't pour out my liquor; it's just a waste because I can always find ways of getting more.

Don't let me provoke your anger. If you attack me verbally or physically, you will only confirm my bad opinion abut myself. I hate myself enough already.

Don't let your love and anxiety for me lead you into doing what I ought to do for myself. If you assume my responsibilities, you make my failure to assume them permanent. My sense of guilt will be increased, and you will feel resentful.

Don't accept my promises. I'll promise anything to get off the hook. But the nature of my illness prevents me from keeping my promises, even though I mean them at the time.

Don't make empty threats. Once you have made a decision, stick to it.

Don't believe everything I tell you; it may be a lie. Denial of reality is a symptom of my illness. Moreover, I'm likely to lose respect for those I can fool too easily.

Don't let me take advantage of you or exploit you in any way. Love cannot exist for long without the dimension of justice.

Don't cover up for me or try in any way to spare me the consequences of my drinking. Don't lie for me, pay my bills, or meet my obligations. It may avert or reduce the very crisis that would prompt me to seek help. I can continue to deny that I have a drinking problem as long as you provide an automatic escape for the consequences of my drinking.

Above all, do learn all you can about alcoholism and your role in relation to me. Go to open AA meetings when you can. Attend Al-Anon meetings regularly, read the literature and keep in touch with Al-Anon members. They're the people who can help you see the whole situation clearly.

I love you.

Your Alcoholic


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Cindy 
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