The material presented
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Well my husband finally showed up this am rushing around trying to get a shower and off to work trying to keep his job since he's been partying for 48 hours straight. I told him I am done I cannot do this anymore I want a divorce. He showed no emotion except maybe a little anger he hasn't been working his steps and skipping his meetings ignoring calls from his sponsor which he blames on me. I told him calmly (your sobriety is not my responsibility) He says he wont sign the papers, till death do us part, so unless he changes his mind the divorce will cost more and we will probably have to drag out all the dirty laundry which I would rather avoid, but if that's how he wants it. I think he thinks he can change my mind as he has before so I have to be strong. I have a job interview tomorrow for a place that provides in home assisted living. Its a step down from nursing but it'll do until I can get caught up and make enough to take the refresher course and get my nursing license renewed, hopefully my health will let me do it that long still don't know if it will be enough to keep my farm but at least I could afford to move if not. And of course that all depends on if I get the job, got my fingers crossed. Still terrified never imagined id be starting over at my age 2 years away from being an empty nester and suddenly single. But feeling a little more hopeful a little less hopeless. I only hope I can be strong when he comes back with all his sweet talk, sorry's, and promises. I don't know why I'm so weak when it comes to him but I'm determined to stand my ground this time. Thanks to all for your kind words and support threw this very difficult situation.
Meetings, talking with my sponsor, time in prayer and staying connected with loved ones were some of the things that got me through the toughest of times. I simplified my life and took teeny tiny baby steps that were for my highest good. I tried my best to stay in the moment and breathe. This too shall pass. It took courage to do what you did and knowing you can be swayed is a helpful insight, as you are not in denial. Take good care.
Having a plan and taking steps to put it in place is really helpful to you, isn't it? Thanks for the update. I can't add anything more to Paula's e/s/h. Keep coming back.
Wow, farmerswife, you are a fast mover. You sound like your done. I left too, just up and went, took 2 or 3 bin bags of stuff and got a flat the same day. When I think of that now it seems scary but I went into auto pilot and I had loads of doubts but somewhere in my mind I knew this was long overdue. I knew it was right. Its funny, I actually found it easy to lose all my things. I walked away from years of stuff and it was quite liberating, I felt lighter and freer than I had and now looking back, sometimes I can feel a bit annoyed about it all but then again I have so much more than stuff. I have my independence, I don't deal with my exah anymore and hes still in his crazy world, I have this fellowship and I have parts of me back that got lost in all the crap. So, I am an example that it all works out in the end and if you feel done well maybe your done!!! Best of luck.x
Farmers wife, there is such a thing as legal separation, after 26 years of marriage to an A, that's what I did, I weaned myself slowly. Are you in a rush to meet someone else and marry?
I filed for divorce, but never got a chance to finalize it after 6 years of separation, he passed away this July of Organ failure, 58 years old.
You might find your relationship is better with a separation, we went to the movies, to dinner, my boundary was he had to be sober if he wanted to see me. Also dated, but nothing serious.
Nothing is black or white, lots of grey area in life. I was 62 when I separated and started over. It's not easy for sure. It's like a withdrawal....sometimes even worse than living with the A. but it had to be done in for my survival.
Good luck in whatever you do . Keep on working it.
((((April)))) keep hanging with this family cause there is tons of experience here you can look thru and consider for yourself. I know why it is difficult and was for me. It was because separation and divorce wasn't the original intention and original dream. The dream (not reality) kept suggesting that the relationship and marriage was doable the reality said I was doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results than what I was always getting. I couldn't live a dream for two people when one of us wouldn't do it. It was difficult, hard, scary and all the other negative stuff and hard and scary doesn't mean I can't do it. It only mean't that I wasn't experienced in doing it. New stuff is always difficult. I did relapse once during the period prior to the divorce and I'm glad I was working the program as demonstrated and suggested by the Family Groups and my sponsors. I went back because I fell for the flirt that hooked my pride and ego thoroughly and not for long because I had learned I couldn't, wouldn't and shouldn't fix. The relapse help reaffirm what the program was teaching me about the disease and about me in the disease. I am a fixer and have to choose better what project I'll work on and for how long. In support...you're doing good and I like your perception...it seems very clear.
no absolutely no rush to find someone, need to just be me for quite a while before I could even consider that. I'm filing because I know how he thinks if I just file a separation he will think I'm not serious and I will come back even with telling him I'm filling he is not believing when I told him he said he wont miss anymore meeting and he may go back to rehab (immediately followed by, but they will want to take my keys) when he didn't get the big reaction he wanted he said (well I wont sign the papers, till death do us part) he thinks Ill never leave no matter what he does. he knows I believe in marriage and it being for life after 8 years of putting up with it he thinks I always will put up with it, but even in the bible their are some justifiable reasons to cast out your mate. I just have to show him YES I am serious NO I cant take anymore he cant hold me responsible for his sobriety he cant blame me for his relapses. I'm just at the point of enough is enough need to get away from the madness
I understand what you're writing here. I know when we're done, we're done. I have learned to turn over my done into my HP's hands (sometimes on my own - sometimes at the suggestion of my sponsor or the fellowship) and practice an 11th step, too. It helps me trust that even if I'm not actually carrying out my HP's will .or doing what God really wants me to do, that I am doing my best to practice the program. I can't do any better than that.
Lots of support and encouragement, April. This is no easy decision to make or to carry through. We're here with you as you decide what is best for you and for your life now.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 9th of January 2014 06:11:29 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 9th of January 2014 06:15:32 PM
You've received great responses. You're not alone. Keep doing the next right thing- what ever that means for you. Holding boundaries helps maintain safety and sanity.
Meetings, talking with my sponsor, time in prayer and staying connected with loved ones were some of the things that got me through the toughest of times. I simplified my life and took teeny tiny baby steps that were for my highest good. I tried my best to stay in the moment and breathe. This too shall pass. It took courage to do what you did and knowing you can be swayed is a helpful insight, as you are not in denial. Take good care.
I can't add anything to this awesome share except to say to you, farmerswife, to put in vernacular "YOU DONE GOOD".....way to go...Very impressed with your courage
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
((((((Farmers wife)))))). Tough decisions. You seem determined and ready. Good luck with your interview...knock their socks off!!! We are here for you!
Good luck on the job interview :) it's a cunning baffling powerful disease. Mine is facing jail time and still won't sign. He doesn't believe he will have any consequences. The your time and heal .. take the suggestions offered and live your life. Hugs ;)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
It sounds like you are really doing the "next right thing" as well call it. Getting through these chunks "a day at a time" helps. I'm saying these slogans because they help. You are doing great not accepting the blame for his disease and making healthy choices for you and your child.
