The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
These past few weeks I've been kind of surprised at myself. I feel like I've turned a corner, and although other people's behaviour can still upset, anger or confuse me, it doesn't seem to CONTROL me anymore. Somehow, after trying and trying to "row alongside" everyone else, I'm finding it easy to take myself off to a quiet corner and think myself into a positive frame of mind. Even when ABF is doing his best tricks. Even when my daughter came home and started telling me all of the bad things her step mother said about me while she was away, I stopped her with a laugh and said "Sweetie, you don't have to report to me. It's important to me that you have a good time at your dads and that you get along with everyone in your family. You know what's true and what isn't. If you don't like what your stepmother says about me, just don't listen, or ask her to stop saying it. Now lets just have a nice day together and not worry about who said what". I meant it too. And then I texted her stepmother to tell her what a great job she had done painting a pair of shoes for my daughter. They really did look good.
Not so long ago, I would have been pumping my daughter for information, sending angry texts and working myself into a fury. It felt good to really not care. The woman thinks I am flakey, disorganised and mental. Good for her. It's not exactly news to anyone.
Anyway it's been like that a lot. And I'm finding I'm enjoying talking to people where before I was fearful. I'm confident stating my opinion or sharing a funny story etc without listening to my own words in fear and picking them apart later. I'm finding things I like to do and then enjoying doing them without either deciding to either become an expert at them or deciding that they are unproductive and feeling guilty over them.
Anyway I was pondering today, this weird feeling of liking who I am. I've not had it before. I grew up very lonely and full of shame. I have spent my entire life consumed with trying to make everyone see me a certain way...I don't think I've ever really allowed myself to concentrate on anything else, to be honest. And always, underneath it, this awful shame and certainty that if people knew the real me, they would despise me. And it dawned on me, being so fearful and full of shame, I have really never had a chance to find out who I am. My whole world has been about how I am reflected by everyone else. In so many ways I never stopped being a scared little girl hiding in the wardrobe.
So all of these weird happy feelings when I walk away from a potential argument with ABF or decide to enjoy my day in spite of negative experiences...it's because I'm actually meeting myself for the first time. It's like making a new friend. I quite like this person that I'm starting to get to know.
Melly, ((((((hugs))))))
I love this post so much. And I love that you've met the lovely Melly that we all enjoy hearing from so much. Thank you. Truly inspiring (and I'm slightly envious so am looking forward to following your example here!!)
My Dear Melly
Your inspiring words have made me cry tears of joy for you and all of the others that find this post. Such a powerful message to share.
Thank you
Keep on keeping on
What a gift to witness a true MIP
That's awesome Melly. I know exactly what you are saying, too. I used to pick apart every conversation I've had with people, wondering if I said something wrong or if their actions/inactions were trying to tell me that I was acting funny or silly or stupid, etc. What a waste of my mental energy. So glad you are seeing who YOU really are. HUGS!!!
Cathy, you prompted me to read over my early posts. Wow, it was just all about ABF! (I know it still is sometimes, but less and less). Part of that whole "trying to make people see me the way I want them to see me" I think.
Sort of like, "I'm really a great person, but what I'm living with is just so unbearable that I have to be like this instead, poor me, don't you agree?". And then needing to prove to everyone that my situation really was unbearable. I didn't know how to face myself at all, much less like myself!
I've learnt so much wonderful, life-changing stuff from everything that you guys share.
Thank-you all
Jerry F was the one that prompted me to read my posts back when. Yeah it was all about my son. Just like you it becomes less and less as time go's on. I hope future posts will be all about ME YOU and US lol
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Wow growing up in al-anon is amazing isn't it! You sound so healthy and self aware, I love it! Your recovery looks so good on you and I am so happy to have read this share today! Sending you much love and support!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Wow, it was just all about ABF! (I know it still is sometimes, but less and less). Part of that whole "trying to make people see me the way I want them to see me" I think. Sort of like, "I'm really a great person, but what I'm living with is just so unbearable that I have to be like this instead, poor me, don't you agree?". And then needing to prove to everyone that my situation really was unbearable. I didn't know how to face myself at all, much less like myself!
Melly, I was glad to see this change in your post...Keep up the good working on you
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
((((MellY)))) So you love here as much as we do Huh? Nothing unlovable. You came over to our side of the room and looked back at yourself and found an awesome child of God...Your post tugged at my early memories one of which was told me long ago..."We will love you until you learn to love yourself". While at first I thought the saying was trite and patronizing I didn't know how much I didn't know about myself and also how it was allowable to love myself. HP did the lectures and I sat in my chair and listened and when HP wasn't doing the lectures the rooms of Al-Anon did. Melly, ....meet Melly. I'm elated!! (((((hugs)))))
I love the Summer look on you, yeah growing up in al-anon is what I have been doing for the last 3 years. My sponsor uses the phrase and I stole it. Keep on smiling with your head held high, your whole MIP family is behind you in support!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
