The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I attend an Al-Anon group formed by Adult Children of Alcoholics. We moved into a new facility about six months ago and decided to split the rent with another Al-Anon group as our meetings are only in the morning and theirs are in the afternoon. This place was leased for a year and the contract will be valid until mid 2014. So basically the afternoon group decided that rent was too much - despite the fact they knew the morning group had entered the leased based on the assumption that the other group was going to sublet for an entire year as well. Even though my service was to be the "money keeper" and to make all payments (excepting the rent as there used to be a liason between both groups who deposited the rent to the landlord but is no longer attending as she is moving overseas), it was the first time I had to contact the other group as we were a week late to pay the rent and they had already agreed on contacting me but never did. The lady I talked to was really rude and wasn't willing to speak to someone way younger than herself. So the following day, this same lady and another lady from the afternoon group literally interrupted our work meeting (as I was showing our group how our finances had been for the past three months). They were loud as soon as they walked thru the door and immediately started talking to the group, didn't even say they needed a minute or why they were there. Their designated spoke person (same lady who had been rude to me on the phone) demanded for me to give her a receipt for the cash their group was providing - there is nothing wrong with that, it is just they had never done it before) took about 20 mins of our work time to explain why they were leaving. I should mention that the day before during our phone conversation, they lady told me that they were gonna leave the cash inside a drawer at a desk and I told her that it was not safe yet she demanded for me to go with that plan but as I politely disagreed she got mad and became offensive. As I was already losing my cool, I told her the least her group could do was to send a letter or email letting us know in a more formal way that they were leaving - if it hadnt been for the former liason between both groups we wouldn't even know about their plan.
I feel frustrated and disappointed that they interrupted our meeting and NOBODY said a word about it. I think it was disrespectful and very rude! I am aware that Al-Anon is not owned by anybody in particular, yet I understand when people go to a group different from the one they usually attend, they need to respect how the meeting is conducted there. Also, I felt abandoned by the rest of my group members at it seemed like they had literally returned back to their childhood when some authority figure would storm into their rooms and they were helpless. I feel disappointed! In fact, I decided that I could not deal with financially irresponsible people and decided that I wasn't going to continue with the finance service anymore. The work meeting was rough as well. Two members would not even let me finish what I was saying as they wanted to know about specific data that I was going to cover at the end of the presentation. I realized that the other members are very shy and these two opinions overpower the rest - they are perceived as people who can afford to financially contribute more. It's so sad that at this specific point in time, we don't have enough cash to give a deposit and rent another place so I suggested we could meet at a catholic church room which is already a meeting place for another Al-Anon group and the answer from these two people was a no. The others didn't say anything against it or in favor of it. It seems the 7th tradition means nothing as they much rather get into more expensive choices than even thinking about a room at a church (although I read about that in the 4th tradition as a possible place where a group could meet). Im disappointed that there were no boundaries that kept others from interrupting us, and that they did not support me as the ladies were being rude to me. Plus, it seems my group much rathers to live in uncertainty about where we could meet than being more humble and considering the church room. Plus the quieter members are scared of speaking up their minds as they don't want to disturbe the two members who are perceived to be more generous on their donation because of their economic background.
I had group issues aplenty last year- it was really tough. Have an online link was a godsend! Being here did not solve my group problems, but it gives me somewhere to park up and carry on with my recovery.
Its tough being around people who are in different stages of recovery. But I venture to say that it is not quite as tough as the situation we had at home. For me being in service has not been an easy ride either. But the issues that came up there were not of my making. I was able to steer through them fairly well. And to be honest my group experience, tough as it was, helped me to do this!
Oh boy! I am with you on this one... all our groups, and the whole organisation is self-governing. Hang in there!
Welcome to Miracles in Progress. I do hear you and understand the dynamics of which you speak.
I must say that I learned how to implement al anon tools and philosophy--- In Al anon Meetings, In Al anon Business Meetings and Al anon Telephone calls.
We have traditions as guideline for our interactions with each other. These are guidelines that are referred to as "voluntary adherence to the unenforceable. "
Remember "We are not perfect " and We re all here because we are not all there Thanks to HP that we are not all crazy at the same time.
I learned to keep the focus on my side of the street, not walk away from something that benefited me and not to take the actions of others as personal insults.
Principles before personalities....We get to work the steps and the traditions always. I've been in that postion before in the past during business and planning meetings. Personalities try to take over. I don't go for personalities especially when my own wants to jump in without the tools. I've always had reactions to power and control behaviors from inside of my family of origin so I have to keep myself in check or I rise to fast into cunning, powerful and baffling behavior myself. I don't like the outcome to the spiritually and mentally, emotionally and physically I get negatively affected. I would be and am responsible to my own meeting...not for them...to them and there is a difference. I am not responsible to other groups I am not a participating member of. I am responsible to the program when I am representing it and I am not the boss...president...learder or God. My early sponsor gave me some wisdom when he told me "you don't have to like it...." meaning I can participate without full approval or validation especially if the entire group benefits.
For me this is take it easy stuff and sit with my sponsor stuff and even do a meeting on it. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
I can understand how you might feel defeated in a situation like this. Others have already shared wonderful experience, strength and hope. My only suggestion would be ask your group if they feel there might be value in contacting your Alanon district representative for help. Your group could ask the district representative to join your next group conscience meeting to be a part of the discussion. Your local Alanon Intergroup is a great resource for locating the assigned rep if you haven't already met them in person.
Generally speaking, this is a principles above personalities program but you expressed some concern about dominance by a few member and lack of structure to the business meeting. In Alanon we say "There is but one authority... a loving god who shows themself through our group conscience." All voices have a right to be heard but of course voices also have a right to be silent if they so choose.
I attended a meeting where a district rep had been invited to sit in. This person was non judgemental and guiding through Alanon principles. The meeting was well attended and many people took the opportunity to give feedback. The group rep acted as the calm within the storm and the group benefited greatly from the suggestions and ideas based on the traditions for keeping the group going and keeping it about recovery.
This is just my experience so please take what you like and leave the rest. Wishing you luck with your group. I hope things can get straightened out. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Oh my! Belle...
Thanks to HP that we are not all crazy at the same time.