The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This morning I lit a bonfire - we had a huge pile of clippings that needed clearing and I promised AH that I would keep the fire small and under control. The reason why this promise was required was because eight months ago he lit a fire in the woods and it got out of control - a ghastly experience involving firemen and helpful neighbours but thankfully not nearly as serious as it could be. Anyway, I'm just explaining the background. This is our first bonfire since.
So after a couple of hours of all going well this morning and me feeling rather chuffed with myself because the fire was well behaved and I was enjoying the slow pace that I had set myself AH comes up and starts getting scared of the bonfire - its too big etc etc. His closing comment is priceless, but I need to share it in order to see the funny side because right now I'm fixing to light another more destructive fire in my heart After saying that he does not want to be critical AH shouted his punch line 'you don't consider my needs at all any moooooore'.
Does that mean I'm making progress???? Still hurt though.
Lol .. ahh king baby .. gotta love it when we start taking care of our own needs and they need to take care of their own, good for you being so brave to light another fire. I have a large one I need to watch when it goes up lol.
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I don't see how your way of doing a bonfire is not considering his needs? That fire experience he has had has certainly scared him. It (his fear that his experience will re-create itself) has nothing to do with you. I'm not sure what caused you pain, Milkwood? Is it that he didn't trust you to be able to manage the size of the fire or because he doesn't believe you care about him and his needs or because you don't experience him as caring about yours? Could you help me understand?
Grateful, you ask wonderful questions
My hurt is because he does not believe that I consider his needs and that even though I was considering his needs he did not notice. And yes, there is a fairly large dollop of 'look who's talking' as well (which is the tinderbox for anger).
Lol, I hear similar things from ABF almost daily. I get that it's a battle not to be infuriated!
It made me think of a comment my step-dad made recently when we went for a walk together. He was asking me a little about alanon and saying how great it was to see me happy, alive and not consumed with worry and stress over ABF. He thinks it's just wonderful.
He talked a bit about my mum and how she over-reacted when he came home from a work party drunk recently. (He's not an A by any definition but 2 of my brothers are and both of their fathers were so they are both kind of damaged and confused by alcohol). I told him I thought mum would get a lot out of alanon and his response was....woaaaaaah, hang on there. I NEED her to do all of the stuff that she does. (Organise him, get him out of bed, tell him what to eat, tell him what to do with every minute of his day and get furiously angry with him when he falls short of her targets). That ingrained belief that a wife is supposed to take over the role of mother...ick! It's not just an A thing. We can laugh at it or we can get angry about it. Laughing is a lot more fun
You can take comfort then in the knowledge that you did consider his needs and even though he can't see it, it doesn't take away from your love for him. It's just that he is thinking the way he thinks and reacting the way he reacts which is his business. You get to affirm yourself and tell yourself what you know is true. You did a good job of managing that fire and you are doing a good job of considering your own needs, too! You're taking care of your business. Good program work.
Maybe you are the bonfire and he is freaking out because he cannot control your fire within??? Doesn't matter really...glad you could come here to let off a little steam, oh I could keep on going with my little tidbits. Big hug.
hmmm.... sounds to me like his ego is what wasn't being considered. Men, ... we are the fire bugs, we like to burn stuff, we love to make big healthy fires and when a woman starts and manages the fire... men tend to play it down as not to be right, good enough, too big, too little, wrong place. A woman who can control a fire... makes a man think of the movie... "the burning bed". LOL He don't like to see that sh*t. LMAO Most men hate to see a woman doing target practice at the gun range too!
I had a lady friend that really pulled a good one on me one time... she played off like she was going to move the burn spot within a few feet of the house so she could hear the phone if it rang! She knew I would go bonkers, and start taking over... she was right, I did. I got all the burn stuff burned, and she sat in the house watching me from a window with a stupid little smile on her face.
LOL
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
PS, Milkwood. If the fire is still smoldering, this would be a perfect time for you to send up smoke signals: Liam Neeson: We are looking for you! Please call...insert #.
Oh, my!!!!!!!!! Is that a beautiful creation of God or is that a beautiful creation of God. Whew!!!!!! What a gift to see. Thank you, Milkwood. I love it! I notice I'm patting my hair and wondering where I put my lipstick.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 8th of January 2014 10:43:25 AM
Milkwood what a treasure of a share and the responses are beyond priceless!! I love humor it brings me to a happier brighter more loving atmospher where I don't have to be sooooo serious about stuff...It's all stuff. I got a metaphor when reading your post and looking at the picture you drew. Sounds like your AH brought a resentment to your bondfire but failed to write it down on a piece of paper. In recovery I learned to do that and then throw the paper into the fire...it becomes a "burning" resentment and then....it is gone. Hope he gets the picture also. You do good...you draw pictures good also. Hope your post put out the second match. (((((hugs)))))
Hey John, That is a very cool make over! Our heating all comes from wood stoves - one in the kitchen and one in the living room so the only thing making our house safe is the fact that it is built of stone!
Jerry, that is a cool thought about burning paper resentments. In fact AH brought a hose pipe to the embers and put the fire out so I don't really want to think about that one too deeply!
I looked it up. I've been so busy following Liam I haven't noticed the Fast and Furious star or series. It's that a four wheeler you're standing by out in the desert?
After saying that he does not want to be critical AH shouted his punch line 'you don't consider my needs at all any moooooore'. 
Paula. Since its only a photo, I'll wait. Once he shows up in my life for real, I'll be sure to ask for that lipstick!
