The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am reading daily, Courage to Change and Language of Letting Go. I'm trying to do 90 meetings in 90 days, and work got in the way of that. And I am frustrated. I'm trying to be gentle with myself and know that I am doing my best. But I've pulled in a 11 hr day yesterday, and a 10 hr day today, and tomorrow isn't looking much better. I missed yesterday's morning online meeting, but I figured I was good to get to the evening f2f, but work through a monkey-wrench in that. Then, today, couldn't make the morning meeting, but thought I might get the evening one. Again, missed both. So now I'm behind on my 90 mtgs in 90 days. And I know that it's ok. I did do my readings and yoga. I started, briefly, writing on the first step. I called to some friends, but just got answering machines and ended up playing phone tag (both days!). And I'm feeling panicky, like I'm somehow going to "fail". I'm not sure on what I'm going to fail, but that's how it feels. It could be the amount of work and stress over my conflicting emotions regarding AH may be part of that. And I want to cry and rant at the same time. It could be because I'm not willing to discuss anything "emotional" with AH. I'm trying not to monitor his meetings and yet I fear the failure. I'm thinking more on what it will be like to be a single-parent. And I'm scared of that. I'm obviously too much in my head. I hope that I can make the morning meeting, because I have a girl-scout meeting tomorrow night, so I won't make the evening meeting or a f2f. *sigh* thank you for listening and the support. I appreciate it!!
No worries about failing your program, read the 3 daily readers in the morning or before bed, you can get them if you don't have them already especially when you have 10-12 hour days and it is not your job to monitor your AH's meetings, but that will come. Read the al-anon books and literature. Get to meetings when you can and part of working your program is taking it easy, not beating yourself up. Al-anon can teach you to slow down and release some stress, but not all at once, it takes time to learn the tools and you have to let the process take time. This program is at the pace that is right for you, it is not to put more pressure on you. Slow down, take a deep breath, do some reading, get yourself to a calm place and think about what you want to do in small steps, simplify. In time get to face to face meetings when your schedule allows it, get a sponsor and work the steps in time, not now! Sending you much love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Wow, you are putting way too much pressure on yourself. Remember this is recovery, recovering from this feeling of anxiety not adding to it. I never did 90 meetings in 90 days and I was under the impression that that was the alcoholic, I dont think we have the same number of meetings that we can get to or are available. I go to a meeting once per week sometimes two, I dont make the online ones due to the time difference and I work my program every day - reading, meditation etc. That is the best I can do really. Use the slogan first thing first.x
I recall feeling that way when I started also. I too did the 90 in 90. And I think in theory it is a good plan. But, I have since learned that it is more effective to make a couple meetings a week and truly be there and open to learning. Working on myself and learning who I am is so much more important then getting so many meeting in so many days. I wish someone had told me that in the beginning. Or maybe they did and I did not hear them.
What I did not see mentioned in your post is a sponsor. I think when I got my sponsor it helped me calm down and focus on what was important. Before that, I was too busy running in circles trying to do it all. Running in circles left me frustrated and unable to see the great progress I was making.
Expectations of ourselves in doing program work are pre-meditated resentments. (I don't know if this is true or not, but it is what came to my head and so I thought I'd post it)
There is no perfect way to work our program. We do what we can with what we have from where we are one day at a time.
Thanks you guys! You are right. THere is no right or wrong way. I am just so tired of the same merry-go-round with AH, that I figured if I get to as many meetings as I can, somehow, some way, I will start to get the peace and serenity that I am reading about from you guys! I am doing work, and I am so used to putting expectations and pressure on myself and perhaps others?...food for thought, that I am doing that. I will try to let go a bit more and let God. I am doing my yoga. I am reading. I am going to the online meeting now. :) Thank you!
I want you to add the serenity prayer to your daily morning wake up. Say it with your heart and mind really into it. Think about what you are saying and it might help getting those "what if's" out of your head.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.
((( hugs )))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
