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Tonight I went to couples counseling with AW. At counseling she went on a rant about how disgusted she was with my manipulation and lies. That's she was not a monster and that I wouldn't take her baby. That she would be home right after work everyday and all weekend. Then she told the therapist that she just wanted to co parent not work on our relationship anymore. I sat there and watched we anger. Detached. There was a glimmer of sadness but it almost felt outside of me. After the session I told her it went well. I said she should get out all her anger because it was toxic. I also told her that now that she would be home after work and on the weekend out daughter would see her more. And suddenly It hit me. My kid may have actually won this round. Just like that I don't have heartache over losing her and my daughter gets the time and attention she deserves from her mom. I'm smiling because this is actually better than the illusion of romance. Thoughts
Take it one day at a time, TH. My experience with alcoholism and drug addiction has helped me take a wait and see approach to the other while I tend to myself and my life by making promises I can keep each day to myself and to children who depend on me.
And suddenly It hit me. My kid may have actually won this round. Just like that I don't have heartache over losing her and my daughter gets the time and attention she deserves from her mom. I'm smiling because this is actually better than the illusion of romance. Thoughts
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Its obvious that you are terribly in love with this person who #1 is still drinking, assume coz there is no mention of AA on her part.........#2 is cheating, openly, now.........#3 is doing a tremendous job of showing how toxic she is
OK...you insist on having her in your life, so, I suggest detachment from all she says...let her actions match her words FOR A WHILE before you put one ounce of credibility in it
Also, I think it would be a lot healther for you to detach....work your program.....do the steps...that is essential...get a sponsor......learn DETACHMENT because you are gonna really need it since from I keep reading, you intend to accept what crumbs she throws at you.....by working your program, you can identify with why you need to control this....why the obsession w/this toxic woman.....why the coda need to please/placate her...working the steps will help you understand why you are "ok" with accepting this arrangement......You seem like a decent, caring person...Doing inner child/family of origin work will show you why you think this is the best you can do......I urge you to get into the steps and do family of origin discovery which if you get a good worksheet on step 4, it might get you started...doing my fam. of origin work helped me sort out my defects and to accept them, not be angry at me for developing them and i was able to either get rid of these unwanted traits or manage them.......PEACE
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Couples therapy never worked for me and my husband as long as there was an active addiction. Work your recovery, keep the focus on you and detach from your wife. There are no rounds to win for anyone; only the addictions win. Her addiction of alcoholism and your addiction to her. Take good care.
Why would you on to still spend so much time with someone that cheated on you and says you disgust them? I'm all in favor of coparenting as long as it can be done well. The level of manipulation and volatility here does not seem healthy to try and be parenting together. I also know this is fresh and has hit the fan all in 10 days so I know it's crazy right now. Not enough time to see clearly. And I'm still unclear what role alcoholic plays in this.
I am reading your posts and hope you can dive into your program, get to meetings, read al-non literature. Take care of you! I am sending you so much love and support right now!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Sorry, what is it you are accepting? Im sorry Tryng hard but I see only denial. Its really hard to let go of someone we love but it looks like you are clinging to anything she is willing to throw you. She is angry with you? and you encourage her!! She is disgusted with you? for looking after your daughter? You want your daughter to see her more, can I ask why? is it more that you want to see her? Do you honestly think she is suddenly more interested in your daughter? or could she be using your daughter to keep control and to kid herself on that she is a great person and is doing the right thing. She is not doing the right thing, dont let her kid you.
Take care of yourself, dive into this program and I hope that things will calm down a bit for you soon. Please dont allow yourself to be abused, you are worth more than that.x
-- Edited by el-cee on Wednesday 8th of January 2014 02:37:00 AM
Thank you all for the replies. I appreciate the concern. If AW spends more sober time with our daughter that is not an awful result to me. Not now. It's true the crash and burn of our relationship has happened in 60 days beginning to end so after 11 years it's harsh speed. But I feel like AW is not my problem anymore. I don't have to take care of her. Worry where she is. How she will age. How sick she will get. She relieved me of that burden when she told the therapist she was done with me. I don't feel sad I don't feel angry I don't feel like crying. I feel free.
I wouldn't take my stbax's word about being sober around a child that young. I know in his heart of hearts he means it .. the reality is completely different. A child that age she has no voice and no choice. Hugs .. I hope you are building a support group around yourself all of these emotions come in waves .. I had days in the beginning I felt so good I was flying and then days I couldn't get out of bed to save my life. I did because the kids needed me. It was hard. I was lucky mine moved out and I was grateful and after some stories I would have wound up in the Looney bin.
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Sorry, what is it you are accepting? Im sorry Tryng hard but I see only denial. Its really hard to let go of someone we love but it looks like you are clinging to anything she is willing to throw you. She is angry with you? and you encourage her!! She is disgusted with you? for looking after your daughter? You want your daughter to see her more, can I ask why? is it more that you want to see her? Do you honestly think she is suddenly more interested in your daughter? or could she be using your daughter to keep control and to kid herself on that she is a great person and is doing the right thing. She is not doing the right thing, dont let her kid you.Take care of yourself, dive into this program
-- Edited by el-cee on Wednesday 8th of January 2014 02:37:00 AM
please read and meditate on what Pinkchip, Paula and el-cee here say..Also breakingfree encourages you to "dive into the program" good advice..Also grateful suggests you wait and see...Beatrice urges you to LET GO, let your HP.....For me?? I would be done w/the waiting to see because she TOLD you she can't stand you...Her actions reek of ill will towards you in that she does't even care if you know she has a lover and is almost "advertising" it to you......
That poor kid is being caught in the crossfire...AW is gonna use that poor baby to jab at you and you are hoping baby will attract more visits from your , seeming to me, obsession....NOT healthy....I am not trying to be mean, I am just reading your posts, following this sad sad story and basing my esh on the evidence in posts... everyone who gave you esh here, they are RIGHT 100%...I only can add that this is dangerous for the child unless , if you have to have this woman, may the visits to child be supervised....I see addiction on both your parts....She is addicted to alcohol and perhaps sex (cheating around) AND you are addicted to her from what I see....please embrace alanon and take back your life...Love addiction is just as devestating as any other and I see for sure...you are addicted to her or the concept of love...either way, it is addiction....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Ty all for your replies and concern. And yes the visits are supervised at all times. Now I ask MIP to please take down the pressure just a touch. I hear as appreciate your concerns. I am not in denial about my feelings. I am simply experiencing them on a daily basis and using this board to help me vent them and receive support. I do not want to stop posting to avoid the pressure. I believe the posts and replies have really helped and guided me during a very rough start. It is not over by a long shot. But now I ask for your patience. This wolf pup is just cutting his fangs.
I know, TH. I've been there. It appears to me that denial for you is just letting down its blanket of protection of you. I trust that you will see what you need to see when you see it. And you will know what to do when it comes to the well being of your daughter. I can't talk for the others. I can talk for me. Once the shock burned off what was true, I felt devastated by the reality of my life. I was able to work through a lot of that by tending to the needs of my children and limiting their exposure to a very sick person who wasn't stable and couldn't be stable. The gentle patience of neighbors and friends who didn't get what I was doing but still supported me - understanding for them came much, much later when I could tell them the rest of the story because I could tell it to myself - helped me make additional healthy changes I needed to make one day at a time. Keep coming back and staying close to people who are safe for you and safe for your daughter. Meetings will also be a big help. Cutting your fangs may not be necessary. There are other ways to deal with a person who is as sick as your wife is right now. There are other ways to view yourself in this situation, too.
I applaud you for asking the people here to take it down a notch. As I read through the previous replies, I thought oh no that won't do. Your request for a reduction in the pressure (not your words) is good self-care. I'm going to try that in a particularly chronic drama going on with me. Thanks
Thnx Jill. I really do appreciate the love and support and guidance. But I have to also be honest about how I react to pressure and the negative effect it can have on my continued participation. And I need to participate 90 meets 90 days.
