The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been reading a lot about being in the moment (one second at a time), in various sources. Alanon approved, and Alanon helpful books, readings, and reflections. I've been putting it into practice by saying...be in the moment, be in the now, and let your HP guide you...well, I tried doing this and oh, my! do I ever go 'out of the moment,out of the now'. My mind jumps forward and back. To the day ahead, to past issues...all in a moment. It's like a pinball. And yet, when I am placing myself in the now, how calm it is, how serene I feel. What makes me want to go anywhere else?
It's baffling to me. Maybe it's my addiction to worry, negative thoughts, daily drama...if I don't have a plan, a list, a schedule in my head, am I a worth while person? In April I will turn 60 and I am deciding to leave the active work place. At least a job, even part time, gives me a reason to get up and start a day with a purpose. Don't get me wrong, I'm busy the rest of the time too but those extra hours at the shop compress the rest of my week and so I have to make sure other commitments are fulfilled. Left to my own devices, I fear that I will be my own worst enemy and that means I'll spend the better part of my life beating myself up for not doing this or that, setting ridiculously high, unattainable expectations, proving over and over again that I am not a worthy soul.
It will go something like this...when I retire, I'll go to swim fit, join a gym, volunteer, see friends more often, join the library book club, etc. and all of these things are possible...but if I don't do any of them, or one or two of them halfheartedly, then you see? I am a useless person, as I was told long ago.
I'm fearful that this program too will fall by the wayside because in my mind, the tape played always went like this...you're no good, you can't stick to anything, you can't nail anything down ( to my level of perfection). You're not the type to do this, that, or the other...and so, because something doesn't come to me perfectly, easily, with great aplomb...I'm a failure.
However, should I stay in the now, in the moment...these feelings can and do lessen. Maybe I'm trying to be 'perfect' in this regard, too. I want to stay in the moment 'perfectly' and all of the time. LOL Not possible, is it?
And so, what does it matter that in April I will turn 60. That's a very long way away. I can only deal with today, right now, as I type, each letter...and nothing more. Even as I finish this topic, it will all of a sudden be in the past. I have only this very instance and my HP can help me in this instance alone.
Thanks for letting me work this through. I can do this because here there is no judgment and we are friends.
Yes, we are friends. Thanks for the post - for sharing your journey with us. I turn 65 next week. I will be retiring from the active workforce - God willing - the end of June. I have had those same fears and some of those same experiences. Maybe its all part of the journey? As I near "my month of retirement," I notice I am becoming more relaxed, more willing to be led into the unknown and more sure that I am on the right path to a new life that my HP has planned in love for me - same as for today. I'm glad I'm not the only one who notices both the fearful and the faith-filled thoughts. (((C)))
One of the most important alanon tools is to suggest that each member "Live One Day. One Moment at a time. Having lived with the disease of alcoholism we, have forgotten how to do just that. We have developed very negative thinking patterns as a survival skill. .These reactions demand that we look into the future to avoid problems and then to the past to rehash all the problems we have experienced so as not to be blind sided.You are seeing very familiar patterns which we have all experienced.
Meetings, sharing, slogans and the steps will all work toward having a true present .
I spent some time last year in the present, Ss... I can get back here more often, as time goes on. It is a place where detachment leads us to and where serenity lives.
For me 'the present' and the presence of my higher power is the sam e place too.
I moved into semi-retirement 18 months ago. it was a bit of a wrench. or rather, really it was a crisis. I weathered it, with help. Using this online forum has been a big help. My home Alanon group went into a tail-spin this year... I have some good years to look forward to. I have more time for my own projects.
Staying in the moment is difficult, it takes a lot of practice and like most things we can never be perfect at it
I use mindfulness as a helpful tool, trying to quiet my mind when it starts running on the hamster wheel, backwards and forwards achieving nothing but raise my stress levels!
We who have lived with alcoholism have lived in a crazy world of chaos and confusion, constantly re-running tapes of the past and trying desperately to control the future in order to justify our behaviours and protect ourselves from the insanity of the disease.
I too am not far off retirement age, I will miss my job but trust that my HP knows what is right for me and that I will be able to live a fulfilling retired life - all I have to do is look after myself, focus on my gratitude for each day and take the next best step
The "pinball" thinking is what you have done probably for many years... old habits are hard to break... But they can be broken or stopped. I used to do that type of thinking, all the time and I believe I was literally driving myself crazy!
I can't wait until retirement... still have a few years to go.... but it will be a new chapter in my life. It doesn't have to be scary! It will just be different.
Use the alanon tools and slogans, attend meetings, and come here. The things that you learn can be used in every aspect of your life and will make it so much better! And remember.... you are worthwhile... you are loved... you are a useful member of society!! Hugs to you!!
Being in the 'now' is difficult for most people but it is fun to try and even a few moments helps I think. I read a book called The Power of Now by Ekhart Tolle many years ago and it helped me learn to enjoy and focus on what I was doing in this moment (as you have described, typing each key consciously). Thank you for the reminder, I'm feeling the benefits already
I had a similar thought process recently when I was considering a life change - and then I thought to myself 'I don't have to do this perfectly.' Boy what a a relief that was!!
Remember John Lennon's line, "Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans?" That's how my retirement has been working out. I was fortunate enough to be able to retire earlier than most people. I was so excited with the world before me. But, stuff happens, and you have to deal with it - same as when you're working. Be kind to yourself. Take the time to figure it out, and don't listen to the voices (yours or others') that say you didn't do like you planned. You still can - you still might - you can choose otherwise. It's work, no matter what, even if you don't get paid and even if it's just for yourself. I have those days when I feel I'm wasting my days, my opportunities. But, now I decided to let my HP figure it out for me. I'll try staying in the moment and counting my many blessings for a while. I have the time, after all.
I spent some time last year in the present, Ss... I can get back here more often, as time goes on. It is a place where detachment leads us to and where serenity lives.