The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Interesting. I usually make a point of not thinking too much about what is going on inside my A's mind or body, because I don't want to bring out the "nurse" in me. In fact I think I made a deliberate effort not to concentrate during the part of my course last year that dealt with alcohol-related disease. I don't want to nourish the part of me that used to spend a fortune buying him supplements, or making him soups with just the right combinations of nutrients, or any of that pointless nonsense.
But seeing wet brain mentioned here a few times recently, I went back and had a look at my notes, and oh! Glad I did. Confabulation....common with "wet brain"...not being able to remember events/details and unknowingly substituting memories from past experiences to fill in the gaps...OH!!! So when ABF says things like..."you hassled me so much last night, it put me in a bad mood and I didn't sleep so because of you I am not going to work" and I am scratching my head (or wanting to scream) because I didn't even SPEAK to him last night, or look at him...or when he tells me yesterday while he is drunk that "all I ever do is have hysterics and carry on about nothing and cry" and for the life of me I can't remember the last time I cried near him or made a big deal out of anything...or when he tells me I was drunk yesterday which is always a really perplexing accusation...all of this complete nonsense that I figured to be deliberate crazy-making might be what he actually BELIEVES. It's really apparent, often, when he talks about me that he's giving me all of the traits and behaviours of his ex and even describes situations we have never been in or places we have never been but I know he did with x, 10 years ago or more...I took it to be a complete disrespect for me and a nasty women hating attitude that we are all the same or...well, I don't know. he says all of this stuff that I have taken to be extremely poor character on his behalf but, given the amount that he drinks on his benders and the shockingly poor diet he feeds himself, it's completely possible that he actually just believes what he is saying. That makes engaging so much more pointless. It makes my indignance and outrage even more pointless. Actually it makes it all seem pretty pointless, really. In a good way. Kind of in a "there's really nothing more I can do here" sort of a way.
I've shied away from trying to understand the disease because I don't want to get caught up in thinking there's anything I can do about it, but a bit of education actually makes it easier to detach.
That makes engaging so much more pointless. It makes my indignance and outrage even more pointless. Actually it makes it all seem pretty pointless, really. In a good way. Kind of in a "there's really nothing more I can do here" sort of a way.
I've shied away from trying to understand the disease because I don't want to get caught up in thinking there's anything I can do about it, but a bit of education actually makes it easier to detach.
Groovy.
"Groovy" indeed Melly
Your last two sentences summed it up nicely Living with the insanity of this disease our thinking does become distorted. I found that the alcoholic accused me of things that "he did "- It was complete transference and very frightening. No wet brain there, just the disease in action.
That is the exact reason that alanon suggests that we detach and move the focus onto ourselves, our lives ,our thoughts, our needs as this is where we do have some influence---. Being restored to sanity takes time. Good work.
Crazy isn't it. I thought my son was going wet brain but when he really sobered up in rehab I could see the change and honesty happening. If he would have only continued with a program....sad. I thought he wanted it bad enough but he went right back out.
Prayers and detachment for us is the key
(((( hugs ))))
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Wet brain, of course they really do believe these things. My ex A would constantly bring things up that I was supposed to have said or done, it was either things from the past that others had allegedly done or said or indeed transference - I was accused of doing things that he had actually done! Total insanity, but for the period he was in rehab and engaged with AA there was a noticeable improvement, sadly reality did not last.
It was interesting when I raised some of the things he said about his family with the people involved, of course it turned out his family had not done the things he accused them of either. Bit of a turning point for me when I realised his whole past was based on a lie (albeit truth to him).
Over time of course his family 'abandoned' him, his friends 'abandoned' him and eventually I found I had to do the same. In fact nobody had ever abandoned him, merely people gave up recognising that he would not take responsibility for his life and his actions.
It is such a truly horrible disease, detachment is the only answer, but its hard to do however its essential for our own well-being and happiness.
I saw this some time ago - its very true:
Alcohol- the perfect solvent,
It dissolves families
It dissolves friendships
It dissolves careers
And, whether he deliberately "confabulates" or not, the fact is, I have spent 7 years simply trying to insert myself into his reality, jumping up and down and waving "I'm over here, do you see me?". He's never even visited mine. He's not aware that I HAVE a reality that he isn't the centre of.
It's sort of all been like a bad phone call...where he is talking on and on and I can hear him and I keep saying "hello?" "Can you hear me?" "I'm here"...and I give up and hang up and call him back...again and again...but nope, I can hear him fine, while he can't hear me at all and never will...
Time to put the phone down. And maybe unplug it from the wall, set it on fire and throw it out the window...lol
Like Betty says many times. Awareness and staying in the moment is the key. It's take care of you and let him fumble in his own reality. When there is nothing left and nobody is home he will either come to terms with it or go down the drain. His choice.
(((( hugs )))) you are NOT alone
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
If you are ever bored and want a good read about what alcoholism does to the body and brain .. it has a lot of oh and ahh moments in it .. it's the book under the influence. I can't think of the author .. I'm someone who needs to understand to the best of my ability what is going on .. and that's what works for me. Then I can detach easier. And yes .. two different planets and realities and sometimes I don't think even the A knows where they are at in terms if reality. Hugs ..
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
flinn...that really speaks to where I am now. Thanks for sharing it.
I've believed all of the stories...all of the abandonments and let-downs and I was determined to be the one who didn't, the one person that wouldn't leave him after what all of those nasty people did to him...oh dear.
The reality hit home when I thought I was pregnant recently or, I think I actually was but it didn't come to pass... I was so relieved. He has had children before and he isn't allowed to see them. I felt so awfully sad for him; those awful women who took his children away...poor him, I told him I would NEVER do that to him and actually believed it had caused his drinking. I felt so terribly sad for him and I think I believed, one day, I'd give him a child and bless him with a family. When I was faced with the situation, all I could think was "There is no way I could ever raise a child with this man". My decision was so clear- if I have a child, it will have to be far away from him and maybe even without his knowledge. That seems so awful and nasty but after watching him try to control me as a step-dad to my child, the way he treated the pets and shouted me down any time I tried to object, I had to fight him so hard to show him that I would not allow my child or any dependants of mine be subjected to bullying or bull$%#%. If it was his child, I would have no leg to stand on. He would fight to control both of us as long as he was in our lives.
That was a horrible thing to realise and the thought of actually telling him- "I am having your child and you cannot be with us" was so horrible; I know it would break his heart. He just doesn't understand that his way of being is horrible and stressful for the people who try to love him. It was a real eye opener. How can I have a future with someone when I know if I had a child with him I would have to run as far as I could and shut him out of our lives?
Sorry, that might seem a little off track but it's where my current thinking has stemmed from
Thanks for sharing Melly, I so get the comparison to a bad phone call. My ex would tell me something I said 10 years ago and I would be like what??? maybe hes right!!!! I think Ive been as crazy as him. I would believe him. I think this is the reason why I walked on eggshells most of the time because conversations were like minefields and if you got it wrong he was all over me or the kids, he would argue about everything and anything and he listened carefully to everything you said so that he could find something to argue with you about. He loved proving people wrong or arguing that he was right, he seemed to live for that and it was always at the expense of another person, if he was right then everyone else had to be wrong. No wonder my confidence and self esteem took such a nose dive. I mean after almost 20 years with this guy I could hardly look other humans in the eye, I walked with my head down and would cross the road if I saw someone I knew, I felt so bad about myself. This is where he wanted me and I must have wanted myself there too on some level. When I left him for a while I felt that part of me was missing, I found it really hard to make decisions on my own without consulting him first because if I didnt he would blame me for anything that went wrong. Crazy when I think of this part of my life. I would never ever go back to this life and when my kids mention him I still hear that prickly, demented personality of his and I thank God and this program Im not still there living with that madness.x
You know, I think about the amends Im making to my children for bringing them up with him and one thing I have been able to give them is saying to them 'Oh you may be right there' They can get a bit panicked about trying to be right like their Father and I tell them its okay to be wrong, it feels just as good as being right. Wow, that is a good amends when I think about it, its a gift being okay about being wrong or even being okay with being right and letting others think they are right. If you get what I mean.x
Truly el-cee. It is a minefield and yep, I often think he only listens out for things he can use to prove everyone else wrong. Its weird but it isn't for me to make sense of.
A couple of weeks ago I posted that I took daughter to the movies and he decided he wanted to come and turned it all into a huge saga about himself...well, on the way home, he missed the street he usually turns down "Oh ^&%^ you were talking and I missed my street, I've told you before don't talk when I am driving (wtf? he was talking at me?) and then he wasn't sure where he was going.
After driving around a bit my daughter said "Oh! There's the showgrounds! I know where we are!" and he actually pulled over the car to argue with her...OK smartypants, if you know where we are, which way do I drive to go home?" I stepped in...she didn't say she knew the route home just that she recognised where we are...he actually sat there getting angrier and angrier "well if someone says they know where they are then that implies that they know the way home so I'm waiting for her to tell me which way to drive...". It was absurd and ended with him saying "don't speak to me for the rest of the trip".
It's so weird, he's so TRIUMPHANT when he thinks he can prove one of us wrong. Almost like he actually sits and waits for his chances to shout "Aha!!!! You said this but yesterday you said this! Aha!!! Look how wrong you are!!!" Sad. Weird and sad. It's why we just don't bother to talk to him anymore or ask him to join us. And in his mind, he is left out. I "exclude him from my family" he says with such terrible sadness.
I totally get what you mean about not being able to look other humans in the eye.
Just recently I've been finding that I'm OK with my own decisions, I'm OK without his validation and I'm OK interracting with other people. Its so new and so awesome. I don't feel all shakey and sad and want to run and hide from everyone. I thought I would be like that forever!!
Greetings Melly,
I like your telephone call comparison as well - really easy to relate to.
I also try not to engage too much in thinking about AH (mainly because I am capable of spending a whole day trying to fathom out the unfathomable and then realise that I didn't even notice if the sun was shining!).
I choose to trust my own reality because if I try to relate to his I'm lost in a matter of minutes. That said, I've also been told things by AH that I know relate to someone else entirely. Eventually I reached a point where I thought to myself 'I can either continue by his side or I can walk my own path and hope that he joins me'. I looked at the route AH was taking and thought - uh oh - I can't go there!
The other thing I've done a couple of times is check in with close friends and asked 'do you think I would do this?' I don't bother to tell the whole story, I'm just checking my reality really and it helps that I usually get an affirmation that I'm not the person AH describes
Like Betty says many times. Awareness and staying in the moment is the key. It's take care of you and let him fumble in his own reality. When there is nothing left and nobody is home he will either come to terms with it or go down the drain. His choice.
(((( hugs )))) you are NOT alone
The disease doesn't allow him a choice yet... at some point when it has nothing to fuel it any longer, nothing, no one, zilch for options to survive... only then will it have no choice and he will have that longed for moment of clarity to turn to a HP for help. It's nearly impossible for the living soul under the disease to find that moment when there is money, love, care or any kind of help coming at the person. The disease devours this all before the soul can ever even get a taste... not one tiny morsel. Only when the DISEASE is completely starved and ravished can anything break through to the soul under neath.
I think of detaching with love as - 'Starve (the disease)... with love for the human soul underneath'. This is in essence my own definition of detach with love. If I love the real person enough to let the disease in her die completely, I am being most loving to myself - as I am giving the most ultimately painful type of love of all - walking away. I know this is the way an all loving HP wants me to treat me... to be well and available and living in a reflection of HP if and when my loved one survives the disease. All I can ever truly give is hope and inspiration through recovering myself. "let it begin with me"
Melly: My hat is off to you, my friend. You are living a life that is difficult and yet you come on the board, share your reality and your learnings, respond to others as a person who understands them and what they're going through in a humble and genuine way. You have so many endearing and enduring qualities to see and to emulate if one chooses. Blessings, Melly. I'm so glad you are part of our family. I appreciate you as you are. I enjoy watching the way you operate in life and on this board. Thank you for your honest and genuine shares. I learn from you.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 7th of January 2014 06:21:55 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 7th of January 2014 06:26:08 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 7th of January 2014 06:34:40 PM
Tasha wrote: -- Starve (the disease)... with love for the human soul underneath'. Only when the DISEASE is completely starved and ravished can anything break through to the soul under neath.
but it isn't for me to make sense of.