Expectation Management - Al-Anon Family Group

Tricia911 · Senior Member

Expectation Management

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Tricia you can.

My experience is I expect nothing. Then if it goes bad oh well deal with it or if it goes I am pleased.

I don't set myself up to be disappointed. I don't expect my friends or anyone to do what they say they will. If they don't show up or whatever that is their choice. It is my choice if I want to be around someone like that.

I am an honest person. I don't expect anyone else to be. BUT when my friend allowed some loose cows on her property then lied and said she bought them....to a dep sheriff, I ended the friendship. It is her right to be what she chooses. It is my right if I want it part of my life.

Having no expectations freed me, made me a better person. People have every right to be who and what they are.

hugs,debilyn

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Debber...so right on...so simple. Tricia you can. Go Tricia!! smile

texas yankee · Senior Member

I think it's a lot easier to have low or no expectations with the general public these days - but with loved ones like spouses and maybe especially with our young adult children, I think that managing our expectations realistically while doing what we need to do to progress towards serenity is particularly challenging. As a parent, I like to expect that my three kids will each do "well" - whatever "well" means for each of them - but for some reason I have problems with self-managing the expectations for my youngest, the addict in my life - I have to remind myself that almost ANY expectations for him are pretty much nothing but disappointments and resentments waiting to happen. I feel bad when I accept that, but I am quick to remind myself that I am not feeling that way about him or any type of moral weakness in him - it's the disease in him - reminding myself of that makes it easier - no parent wants to acknowledge that he doesn't have any expectations for his child.

I simply thank God each day that my son is still alive - anything else is gravy.

Tricia911 · Senior Member

What is a healthy amount of expectations?

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Tricia911 wrote:
High Expectations are counter to my serenity. Now if I could just push the "expectations off" button!

you can, with practice and alanon, 12 steps....I was real bad about "unrealistic" expectations, or "unreasonable" expectations...both are same and both can bring on resentment.......it is "ok" to "expect" if it is a *reasonable* expectation, and i stress "reasonable" or "realistic".....if good track record warrents it, it is "ok" to expect a good friend to be there for you MOST of the time...not always coz humans get sick, they get distracted, etc., but if track record shows person is dependable in their patterns than it is "ok"....However it is UNreasonable to expect a liar to be honest....UNreasonable to expect alanon to work if ya don't put in the work....it is REASONABLE to expect that diligence, hard work, consistency, practicing all of alanon's suggestions will bring you better health.....I hope this post made sense...it is too early for me to think, lol

John · ~*Service Worker*~

I try to remember that for me.. expectations is what I place on people... and without a doubt they will and do fall short. FAITH is what I place on my Higher Power... and I'm never disappointed.

When I stopped placing expectations on others, and just went with the faith, that no matter what, my HP has my back and I'm going to be okay, regardless of what someone else is or isn't doing, how they are or are not acting... my life got pretty simple. Because I got to retire from the position of trying to control and manipulate everyone and everything to try to get the expectations met.

I had a ah ha moment when my sponsor told me long ago... "nothing out here has to change (he waved his hand to the world around us), for us to get better in here" (and he tapped himself on the chest).

I thought everyone and everything outside of me had to change before I would get better... but he was right.. when I got better, then things changed... because how I viewed and responded to things got better.

John

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I am not sure I will ever be free of expectations as long as I am in this human form. It was when I deny that I have them, I get in trouble. So, I recognize them, because I do my recovery/inventory work, accept them and take the right action. The 3 a's.

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