AW fights when Boundaries hold firm - Al-Anon Family Group

TryingHard2013 · Veteran Member

AW fights when Boundaries hold firm

wornoutmrsfixit · Senior Member

Where are you staying? Whose name is on the lease?

TryingHard2013 · Veteran Member

Both names on the lease.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

My only question is why are you fix, managing and controlling where she will stay? This is going to sound tough it's a slogan .. her recovery is none of your business .. it is a two way street .. my recovery is none of my stbax"s business either. I have learned if I don't stay hands off .. I do way more damage than good. Is hard to watch someone you care about self destruct and not run to make it easier on them. When my kids visit their dad if he's drunk visitation is over. It's a safety issue. Because they have stuck to that boundary he's refusing to see them. He's lying about what happened last visitation and how he violated the OP. That's hard to watch. It is what it is and it is his relationship with them. My stbax's bottom is his and his alone. I can't manage that .. I can choose when to engage him and when he was acting crazy I chose not to and finally had to take legal actions to stop him from contacting me. His choices his consequences. Hugs

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I think you did so well, your actions don't look like reacting or managing to me. It looks like you done the right thing for you and your daughter. It takes strength and guts to do the next right thing. Whenever I am unsure about an action or a boundary I try to think of my motives. If its about whats good for me then its the right decision for everyone. Your wife is behaving in an insane way, the disease she suffers from has got a grip but if you don't set this boundary it looks like she will continue. Either way, she is a grown woman and your daughter needs you to protect her from harmful behaviour. Keep coming back.x

TryingHard2013 · Veteran Member

Staying with a friend for 2 or 3 nights until AW leaves to either go back to her lover or decides to start a program and stay with a safe friend. I also found out today from AW's therapist and psychiatrist that they told her to stop all meds!!! Are they kidding me after I told them all of AW's behavior for the past 2 months. I don't get it now they want me and my kid to deal with her withdrawal. Not ok no way.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

As a note legally .. if both your names are on the lease she can come back. I was lucky my stbax abandon the house so I had rights to change the locks and get him out. He didn't change his mailing address and that was a concern. If he had been smarter things could have been far more difficult. Hugs

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Can you remove her name from the lease? If not then maybe a restraining order if push comes to shove.x

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

SerenityRUS wrote:
My only question is why are you fix, managing and controlling where she will stay? This is going to sound tough it's a slogan .. her recovery is none of your business .. it is a two way street .. my recovery is none of my stbax"s business either.

I think you did "ok" , however I have to concur with SR here....its her disease...her problem...but you did good getting you and daughter out of harms way...and that kid with all this going on IS in harms way...keep working on you....and do not try to fix, manage or control anything about the alcoholic...Let her reap the karma she has sown...MAYBE and I say MAYBE if she slams bottom, she will get help...

yanksfan51 · ~*Service Worker*~

I think you did a great job with boundaries for you and your daughter. I also agree w post-er who said that your recovery is none of her business, as hers is none of yours. I will tell you that I just paraphrased that because I need to be reminded of that today too!! It is difficult to hold to our boundaries and not waver, I so admire your strength.

Stay strong

YF

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Only you can decide if you and your child will deal with her withdrawals. You don't need to put up with unacceptable behaviour, you have control over what you have in your life, including a wife who is behaving in this way. You are not responsible for her, only she has that role.x

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

TryingHard2013 wrote:
I don't get it now they want me and my kid to deal with her withdrawal. Not ok no way.

She could get dangerous going through withdrawals....she can go to a rehab center or hospital for that.....therapists should never have thrown that ball at you....withdrawal is not funny....my youngest brother was "cut back" on his drugs by doc., and he went into withdrawal and got into a car and aimed his car at a police car and nearly split the cruiser in two...luckily the cop had gotten out of his vehicle....little bro wears an ankle bracelet and is on probation for a long time...he had a high power pastor talk to the court, otherwise he was looking at some serious jail.....let her go to rehab or clinic.......STAY SAFE and PROTECT your baby....

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Who did you hear from that she was suppose to stop meds? If it's the drs they are probably aware she's drinking and I don't know what she's taking, my experience with script drugs and an alcoholic is not a good one. First off, the A lies about about the drinking. They minimize it as no big deal and it IS a big deal. My stbax was taking clonazepam and started off with I can't remember now .. went to seriquel (sp?) and then Prozac. The problem was the clonazepam .. that is some nasty stuff for an A to take. Mine went off of it on his own and that's when things went from bad to worse and then used it to control his drinking while he was court ordered not to drink he wore a SCRAM bracelet. It can tell if someone has been drinking or not. Anyway, point is if it's coming from your A I would caution you to just accept she's lying and leave it alone. If it's coming from the drs the they are aware of how bad the drinking is and she's not taking care of herself. It would explain some of the irrational behavior. It does not excuse the behavior. She's having withdrawals from the pills. The drinking absolutely increases at that point. until my stbax got his dui his Dr was unaware how bad the drinking was .. ugh. She still wrote the script though. Anyway, that's a side note and again she has to deal with the fall out of those situations. Hugs .. it gets better keep coming back you are worth it!

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

It could be that it is more dangerous for her to be on those medications drinking than of them. It is a medical liability to prescribe psychotropic medications to a known active alcoholic. I sincerely doubt it's because they think she is "all better. " It's more likely about avoiding a deadly contraindication. It's not about you and I guarantee they are not focused on what you have to put up with or not. That is not their job. Therapists also have almost no say in pulling someone off meds. Only the psychiatrist does that. Therapist may have reported the drinking to the doctor.

Anyhow, your AW sounds very unstable. I think she is gonna hit bottom soon but it's out of your control. Prayers...

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

WOW, I am reading SerenityRus and Pinkchip and thinking i need to thank my HP I never had to deal with my EX's any of THAT horror....Just hearing about my youngest brother is scary enough....Whatever, these 2 posts show a lot of wisdom, "been there--seen that" and experience...I hope you listen to Serenity and PC....I got out before I had to deal with that misery....My X's were just your run of the mill alcoholics---one nasty and an a-hole---the other sweet and heartbreaking to have to leave, but I did it becuz I wanted sanity...recovery...peace...serenity...stability in my life...

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

When I'm in doubt, I check my motives to see if my thoughts and decisions are being made in a healthy place. Keeping you and your children safe is a top priority. I'm not sure if any alternate resources were available to you; if this was your most practical best option, then it is not born from trying to control someone else. Boundaries are for us.

However, ultimatums are generally ineffective. Only you would know if this was part of your decision making process.

Often, the crazy thinking lasts way past a person's seeking and starting a recovery program- change takes time. I read your post a few different ways and am not sure how you intended it (apologies); it might not be today and I am not sure at what point it would be safe for your daughter to see her Mom.... maybe with a third party supervision?

In support

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I know you are feeling very tender now.PLEASE take this as my experience,not against you.

I must say, they are an adult, they can find their own place to stay. Consequences for behavior are such an important learning experience. When we take that away, we are in essence helping their disease to kill them.

We must let them go. It is their disease not ours. As far as her wanting recovery, many addicts want recovery. But have not reached a place yet that they are sick enough or sick of being sick enough to have the strength to get help.

They cannot in any way, go into recovery just becuz we want them to. That is a fact. So for us to say, get help or we will not be around for you, hon it could be years or never.

So this is where we must take care of ourselves. That child comes first. It is my experience no child should be around an A who is using. If one is in recovery, working a program that is very positive. If they relapse, they have to go or I go. That is my experience from being around kids from k-life.

Your wife may seriously mean it when she says she is sorry. Their brains are so messed up they believe their lies. To them they do not see they lie!!They are not doing it on purpose like a non A might do. We cannot look at them with our non A minds and relate or understand. Pink chip and many others here are so wonderful to share their knowledge and experience as double winners. I am so in awe of their service.

Dear one, its so hard to face when the mate we chose is so sick. If she was on a program of recovery for a long time, Believe me she would want you to protect yourself and your child from her disease.

Keep coming, you are doing fine!!!! We are here to share our experiences with you. You are not alone. I am so glad you keep coming.

Sincerely!! Debilyn

sadsusie · Senior Member

Way to Go! It is so very very hard to stick to tough boundaries like that. I'm very proud of you.

Serenity has a point about "managing" where she stays, although I believe I would have done the same thing and I would have done it for MY own piece of mind. Certainly i would say that if you AW makes someone she is staying with angry and THEY kick her out - then she should fend for herself.

Stay firm. If you made that boundary with a clear head and a lot of thought. Stick to it. Stick with your instincts. And you are right, they generally fight back when boundaries are set. But it will get easier. They are manipulative and cunning, and are used to getting what they want. Once they realize that they can't get anywhere (after they have changed their tactics a couple of times) they will figure it out, and cave.

(((hugs))) and stay focused.

ryanhearted · Senior Member

I don't have much to add. I just want to give you a (((HUG))). Know that this will pass. Know that you will heal, with the work you are doing and the love you are showing your daughter and yourself. Keep coming back. You are worth it!

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I think you did great and just keep doing the next right thing to keep yourself sane and your baby safe! Sending you love and support!

Beatrice · Senior Member

I hope you know that a program for the alcoholic is not the be all fix you might think it is. Yes, It is great whenever they take a break from their habit and Im for getting them into a rehab if its possible. It takes awhile for a program to kick in, it doesn't happen over nite.

She has to want it for herself. I use to hope my A would go to AA, he did , but he still continued to drink.

As I said in a previous post Let Go and let higher power is always the best way. You cant make her responsible for your child if she is using. I hope that you don't use your child as leverage, it won't work. This is between you and your wife. You cannot force an outcome. Maybe for awhile.

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