The material presented
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level.
hi all . . .you know my story so im not going there. im going to focus on me. i have been off work for two weeks as its been school vaca. . iyt if rountine, a bit odd in terms of tge stuff we did or didnt do. . .basically a fair to goid two weeks. today, back at work im crazy anxious and obssesding about my life with my ah. i find myself harshly judging my thoughts and decsions and sadly i admitt thete is a part of me that us just DONE. . dobe with being married. DONE with finding a way to live with alcohol. that said, as you know i choose to stay. these ups and downs really throw me out of whack. im back to bad dreams, not sleeping well and just uneasy and hyper critical of myself and my choices. my ah is very tempermental. . mood swings, sometimes involved in the damily unit much of the time not. . there is nothing consistent expect me. our daughter is ok. . .but aware. . shes nine and very observant and connected to me. just struggling today. stuck in my head. . . the profesdional therapist in me says. . " get out". . the momand marrued wife of 15 yrs says, "one day at a time. . your ok" and then the two argue. . welcome to the inside of my head,lol. thanks for being out there. . .:-\
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
Thanks for sharing, I get this way from time to time, the bad dreams, anxiety and I am not that sure what it is, I have thought that maybe I have unresolved issues that I am avoiding or maybe I have accepted unacceptable behaviour and Im beating myself up about it. It passes and if it is unresolved issues then I know for sure they will be back for me to face again. I suggest that you use your tools to maybe work out what is wrong.x
It is helpful to read your writing, a description of the feelings we have whether we have decided to stay, leave or something in between. The insanity of living w the disease that is too much for most of us. Sending you thoughts of support and know you are not alone.
Hello there,
I get this way too, especially when my routine is changing or when I feel that I'm taking on too much responsibility. It is so frustrating and it is a change in my behaviour that I've noticed over the past 3-4 years.
I spend far too much time thinking about AH and can wind myself up no end. Sometimes the bad dreams come as well and I have to keep reminding myself that these are just thoughts and I don't have to 'feel' them - I can change the track because I know there is a turntable there somewhere!
I am happy that you connected and shared your thoughts and feelings. Returning from vacation is often hard and I know my mind would often search for other disturbing issues to keep my anxiety alive and well.
Be gentle with yourself, use the serenity prayer, and trust that you are working a successful program. Keep using your tools, and the clarity to act will surface.
I have not thought of that Hotrod, its about keeping our anxiety alive, is that because thats where we are comfortable. Living with an alcoholic and spending so much of my life in the drama that peace feels uneasy. I am prone to this. Thanks.x
Likewise el-cee - I find that these days, when things are calm and going well is the time when I get anxious and start climbing the walls. This is not the way I've always been (I have always been know as a calm person - a memory that I would like to relive!!). It is a change that has crept up on me over the past few years. I'm not sure but assume that I am meeting my disease
My sister said that when she was dealing with her AH the calm always preceeded a storm so she became anxious knowing something was coming. Even when they separated and she found a more peaceful life, she said that peace and quiet brought on anxiety attacks.
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G. Llewellyn
For me, when I had all those experiences, I knew I had to make big changes. I didn't want to do it, but I did. I was slowly dying and I needed to save me. My HP showed me the way of it and gave me the strength I needed to do what I needed to do to live life in freedom and in safety. I am no longer physically abused as I was many years ago, but I can be mentally and emotionally abused by people with peculiar agendas. When I try everything I know to do including working my program and I have a very large and full toolbox, I know that I am in a situation with a person or persons that are sucking the life out of me. I've learned that in order to establish boundaries that are healthy for me, I have to make big changes to separate myself from what is toxic to me. Sending you lots of prayers of support and encouragement to listen to yourself and to follow through on what you hear.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 6th of January 2014 04:55:20 PM
I hate changes in my routine and it just throws me out of whack completely. This too shall pass has helped me to get through the day as well as easy does it. Sending you much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
One of my favorite tools for solving the "turntable" problem was my sponsor's suggestions (she was also a drug and alcohol counselor for families of alcoholic). When the intrusive thoughts and images in my head pushed me into that anxious state, I picture what I'm feeling & thinking like I'm watching it on a TV then give myself the remote and I "turn" down the noise like turning down the volume on the remote. I can even switch channels if I want. Worked great.
I was awake at 4 a.m. with a flood of anxiety myself. I go back to work today and I'm really dreading it. I know my anxiety is bad when I'm cleaning the fixtures with a toothbrush. So really relate to what you are feeling. I've been there so many times. I couldn't live with the insanity of the disease and each time I worked my program with my alcoholic partners and husbands...boy do I attract the dysfunctional ones. So I have been alone for 12 years. Its really rough sometimes not having anyone in my life. But it's so much worse living with the disease.
This week is bound to be hard for me as I am grieving heavily but the forum has helped me recognize that my boss at work is essentially the new alcoholic in my life. I'm sure this is why I couldn't sleep and my heart was bounding. Another thing my sponsor told me was that when my life felt out of control I needed to control my environment. Thus my need for routine and habit. When my environment is orderly, I feel more sane myself. Need to go to work and would appreciate prayers and encouragement for this week. Maybe if I just find a way to detach from my controlling, belittling and just plain nutso boss I can hang in and keep this job long enough to solve a couple of my financial issues.
You're not alone TOC. I have terrible wars and insurrections in my mind and they say in the program, the committee fights all the time. Its normal for this disease and normal given the circumstances you are trying to handle. You are in my thoughts and prayers this week too.
thank you all for these wise, kind and caring responses. i get so tired and anxious that i just go a little nuts sometimes. i want good. i want ok i want very little, yet many times i feel i get less. my anxiety lessened after getting back to.work. . work and my professional character took over. tonight though im overtired, angry and alone. ah was out late drinking last nite, came home from wrk tonight having had a couple on his way home and yes, promplttly fell asleep after dinner after being «jerky»for the half hour he was actually awake. tonight im angry. im being hard on myself, thinkng im stupid for living like this, im being critcal of myself and judgemental of my choices. this disease eats away at me. i try SO hard to stay connected here, pray. let go, detach, take care of me but then bam, i get crazy mad and simply want to burst. thats tonight. gee, wonder what tomrrow will bring.
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
Glad you shared honestly That is how it works. Instead of screaming and acting out at the alcoholic come here and share your pain. That releases it so that you can get clarity as to the next right move for you.
Try to rest
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 8th of January 2014 10:23:48 PM
