Trying to stay on my side of the road, it's hard :( - Al-Anon Family Group

heythere · Veteran Member

Trying to stay on my side of the road, it's hard :(

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs and support, prayers that it works out for the highest good of all concerned. It's a shame that some have to go so far down in order to get back up again. It is so much less stress for me when I get busy minding my own business. Hugs s ;)

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Prayers for all of you. You may find some peace knowing where he is; being closed up and closed in can give him pause to review his choices. (((hugs)))

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

My son spent 4 months in jail and he was scared to death. Didn't help though. I wish I wouldn't have made sure he went to court, got up and did his pee tests and every else he had to do. I wish it would have gone to warrant that he didn't show up....then maybe he would have gotten more time. Wish I didn't pay all his fines ( 12K ) wish I didn't take care of him after he got out of jail.

I wish I would have let go and let God a long time ago......maybe just maybe he would have hit a bottom.

Prayers for you that you do the next right thing......

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I can so relate, I got very involved with my son while he was on probation, i lied for him, covered up for him, organised him to get there and it was a mess. I was very frustrated and fearful and he was breezing about doing what he liked. Then I got some recovery, stepped back, realized that if his higher power was directing him towards jail then how could I possibly know that this was not the best course of action. In the end he stepped up himself and when he realized that Mummy was no longer playing this game he began panicking a bit himself and so he done just enough and he is now free from the criminal justice system. Thanks for sharing, this has just been another experience that provides me with evidence that this program works and detaching is the only way really.x

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

heythere wrote:
This time, I'm stepping back. I'm letting him handle his business and I'm taking care of me.....but the moral was stepping out of the way to allow things to take their course.....very profound for me this morning. Seems these things apply to other parts of life as well.

VERY nice job...Alanon is a miracle isn't it??? Keep up the fantastic work...Trust me, the A's and the NA's always find a way to take care of their stuff...IF we get out of the way...AND by letting him "reap what he sows" w/out softening it, you are allowing him to possibly grow up, get clean and maybe work his program...

heythere · Veteran Member

Cathy & el-cee, I have done all those things as well. Now that I have started stepping back and started listening to him, he has told me for a while that all the "help" I have been giving is just making him feel worse about himself. Most of the time he is lying or spinning the truth, but once in awhile he'll speak truthfully and I simply choose to ignore it because it didn't fit what I wanted him to do or have happen for/to him. Now I understand that I can't MAKE those things happen. I have to let happen what will happen and stop trying to change outcomes. It is hard though, I very much want to pick up the phone and see if he got himself to court. Just because I'm stepping aside, doesn't mean that I don't care. Definitely, work in progress. It will be what it will be.

heythere · Veteran Member

Did a good job today and did not contact my son. HOWEVER, I come home from walking the dog and he is sitting on the front steps. He had tried to meet with his ex-boss (job site is somewhere in area), who owes him $ from last month and he now has to wait until Thursday to get paid, so he says. Both of his court things have now gone to warrant, but he doesn't want to turn himself in until he gets paid. I did pretty good and refrained from telling him what to do. I did give him a ride home..should've just dropped him at the bus stop. Trying hard to let things be, he did say that things will get better once he takes care of the court stuff. Not too stressed out by this, at least I know where he is tonight. Will just be patient and see how this develops. This is much better than being sucked into the drama and trying to fix his life, at least today it is.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear good mom! Did you pick him up everytime he fell when he was learning to walk? If you did he would not be walking now. (c:

He has to feel it all to be able to be strong enough to get into recovery when he is ready. He is young, he has a good chance of not continuing to ruin his life. My ex AH is almost 62 mommy probably still enables him!

I know it is hard, good he is afraid of jail!!! It may be enough to get him to walk into AA, go to rehab whatever all on his own!! Allow him the dignity to go thru the process and hopefull learn!!!!

Good for you for stepping back. I always remembered to say I love you. I told my dipstick son when he was experimenting I would NOT visit him in jail. He never went to jail. I am fortunate he is not an A, but did not know at the time. He fell on his own and got back up and today I am very proud of him.

Your son A or not can get to the same place, sweet lady let it happen. hugs, we are here for you and him, debilyn

texas yankee · Senior Member

FWIW, if I had it to do over again, I have myself convinced that I would NOT have rescued my son from his misadventures and would have let the chips fall where they would have - without trying to catch them all for my son. LOL, whether I would actually do that is another matter, but that's what I think I'd do.

Like someone else here said about their loved one saying that he was scared, but not scared enough, apparently - same thing with my kid - he told me after getting out of jail once that he was absolutely petrified all the time - but not enough to avoid going back to his old ways.

Stay strong.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I didn't rescue my son from his misadventures, let the chips fall where they lay, didn't pay his fines, hire a lawyer, bail him out or make arrangements for him to do anything he needed to do for himself. He's been in and out of rehab, AA, NA, Substance Abuse Counseling and received mental health care, jail, prison, hospitals. Nothing made a difference for very long.

We truly are powerless over this disease and our adult kids. I'm on the other side of the coin. I sometimes wonder if I'd done all that if that would have helped. Truth is that No, it wouldn't have helped. And there's absolutely nothing I could have done or didn't do that would have helped my son decide that he had help, he could utilize the help, or that living life on life's terms sober was something he wanted for himself.

I forget that sometimes and once again wonder if there's anything I'm missing as a Mom who loves her son and hopes he chooses sober living, but that ends up being a futile exercise in frustration and obsessive thinking. I've learned to accept most of the time that just being his Mom isn't enough to get him sober and keep him sober. He gets to choose with the help of his HP.

My prayers and support are with all Moms and their kids tonight. This certainly isn't a road to walk we would have chosen on our own, but we are. Guess we can choose to make the best of it by accepting what we can't change and asking for HP's guidance on what we can change - and much as we might like to from time to time - it will never be our kids or any other person. We've all tried that. Thank God when we finally see that we truly are powerless over that which we have no control. Glad that we've found each other, too. There's no way we could walk this road totally alone.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 6th of January 2014 11:48:14 PM

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

AMEN......G2B

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