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Last night was possibly harder than any night to date in the past two months. I posted and posted and went to the chat room and vented an vented. At 11:45pm I sent AW a message I said this is a boundary for me and for our daughter. You are not to come back here until you get clean. I told her If she did not come home last night then her daughter would wake up asking where she was and why she lied about coming home. I told her we were not safe with her and I needed to protect our kid until she was safe from herself. She read the message at 1:34am. She did not come home. I woke up at 5:00 and began packing to leave our apartment. I decided that we would not stay home and wait for her to come and go as she pleased I decided she needed to stop talking and start acting like she wanted to recover. This morning I left our place and found a sitter for the dog. I told trusted friends that I would need a lot of last minute support and favors to get through the next two weeks. Yes I decided AW will have to show new behavior for 2 weeks minimum before she is allowed to see our daughter again. I cannot and will not let AW keep me in pieces and my daughter will not be in the line of fire. This morning at 7:45 AW sent a message saying she wanted to come home that she made a huge mistake and that she wanted to build trust. I remembered something grace7 said last night. A's watch what we do and act accordingly we watch what A's say and believe them. So I decided AW is a liar and I will not put me or my kid in place to hear lies until she acts like he wants to recover. thoughts anyone ?
Only thought I have is I have been told many times. Don't rely on words.....actions is what is needed and you will know when she is being honest and not in denial.
She is an adult and she doesn't need your help if she is truly serious on recovery.
Take care.... ((( hugs )))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
My thought is well done. The recovery work you have done thus far has led you to a place that your well being and the well being of your daughter is where it needs to be for your the sanity of both of you. Your partner is sick and will make sick choices, and, yes that includes lying. My only question is why you are leaving the apartment? She is the one that lost the privilege of having a stable home and living relationships??? You can install a deadbolt lock or something to eradicate her option of coming and going.
Yes I decided AW will have to show new behavior for 2 weeks minimum before she is allowed to see our daughter again. I cannot and will not let AW keep me in pieces and my daughter will not be in the line of fire. This morning at 7:45 AW sent a message saying she wanted to come home that she made a huge mistake and that she wanted to build trust. I remembered something grace7 said last night. A's watch what we do and act accordingly we watch what A's say and believe them. So I decided AW is a liar and I will not put me or my kid in place to hear lies until she acts like he wants to recover. thoughts anyone ?
2 weeks is no where near enough....she needs at least a year in AA to even begin to recover her life...You need your program.....you have a choice.......work your program and just learn detachment as you try to cope w/an active A who is a cheater
OR separate and continue to work your program, daily meets, sponsor and step work and work on you
SHE has to reach out for help....You, by taking her back, giving her 2nd and 3rd chances are only enabling her to not hit bottom and therefore she "doesn't need" AA....i would let her slam to the bottom and maybe...Maybe she will reach out to AA....the ONLY chance you have at keeping her, is AA for her...meetings ea. day, step work w/sponsor and you working your alanon....AND AA has to be HER choice..HER desire...HER priority.....
I, myself , would not want a cheater...that is not the disease, that is her character....my AA sober friends never cheated....yea, they did the stupid drunk stuff, the normal BS that a drunk will do but they did not abuse their spouses other than inane conversation and broken promises, job losses, not being dependable, etc..but they did not cheat...
Good luck, i hope you can get past this...You can with YOUR program....seems you are sincere at getting you straight and that is all you can do.....change YOU....
-- Edited by neshema2 on Monday 6th of January 2014 09:33:45 AM
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
My thought is well done. The recovery work you have done thus far has led you to a place that your well being and the well being of your daughter is where it needs to be for your the sanity of both of you. Your partner is sick and will make sick choices, and, yes that includes lying. My only question is why you are leaving the apartment? She is the one that lost the privilege of having a stable home and living relationships??? You can install a deadbolt lock or something to eradicate her option of coming and going.
Oh yea, I saw that too....YOU leaving....SHE is the one who violated the home...so why YOU leaving???? You can prevent her from entering like Paula said....is lease on both your names???? I don't know the details, but do you have a safe place to go if you do want to leave???? I was kinda wondering about that, but i was focusing on the "2 weeks good behaviour" which concerned me...that is setting you up for another BIG disappointment....she needs and so do you...more time to recover and she isn't even in AA yet....unless she reaches out to it, you have a choice.....work your program and cope with her as is........OR end it....because w/out her in AA, there is NO chance this will work.....you will be living and sugjecting your daughter to chaos, drama, fights, splitting up for days, instability, and do you want to share her w/this other lady????? because that is what I see down the pike if AA is not in her life and she must commit 100% of her life to AA and sobriety....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
The hardest part I still deal with is trying to control. I used to think of I did A, B, C then of course D would happen. The reality is I can do A, B, C .. of I'm expecting D from another person it might happen and it might not happen .. I had to let go of the expectation it would .. that's the God of my understandings plan .. it's not my plan. It's great you laid a boundary .. boundaries aren't about controlling the other person. It's about what I am willing to tolerate and not tolerate in my space. The other person/people in my life will or won't respect them. Do I respect me to say what I mean mean what I say and follow through? Those lead to some very hard choices. Hugs ..
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Morning! Glad you made it through the night and saw a way to establish boundaries that you believe are right for you and for your daughter for now. Boundaries that we establish to protect ourselves and our loved ones are good ways to practice self-care if they come from a peaceful place in us in my experience. They are like a drawbridge that we close when we need to take stock of ourselves and our situation and do what we can to take good care of ourselves. I hope you enjoy some peace today. You've had a difficult time of it emotionally.
(((T)))
