I am trying to focus on only myself. I am trying to find happiness and strength, like I always had before. If I didn't have a child, that would definitely mean moving out immediately, running long distance again, having friends over frequently, getting involved with the university et cetera. It would also mean finding someone else eventually. I can't do any of those things because my AH and I have a baby together.

My husband is a dry drunk; I've posted about him before. During the 4 days I'm home, he sleeps until noon unless I wake him around 10:30 and then he VERY crankily takes about an hour to get out of bed. The other days, he wakes when the baby wakes.  He watches TV from the time our baby goes to bed until at 1 or 2 in the morning. He seems allergic to any constructive use of time. He won't open his mail or show it to me or deal with bills, car insurance, student loans, anything. He resents everything, won't do any chores, won't put the baby's crib together or let me do it (he lost the instructions and says only he knows how), is nerve-wrackingly moody, hates when I work from home, blames me for everything, yells at me if I leave a chair pushed out or a drawer a tiny bit open even if I've spent the morning cleaning, and he seems unable to handle anything. If I ask him nicely to do something, he thinks I am criticizing him. I'll say "honey can you get the door" and his reply will be "That's right, I'm the villain."  He won't brush his teeth; he has 2 teeth extracted in the last 6 months and horrible halitosis and still won't take care of his teeth. He won't exercise. He is a naturally very good-looking man with upper-middle class  who is aging unnaturally early and possibly developing health problems. 

And he always, always wants to leave. It is his resounding refrain. He says he needs tons of time alone; his dearest constant wish is to go away, go to the yacht club, go outside and smoke, be in his room with the door closed. If we argue at all,  if I say I want to talk, or if I respectfully tell him that something he did to me bothered me, then he will leave the house even if it's in the middle of the night and not come back until the next morning.  When he does that, I can't lock the door because he leaves the key at home, but I don't know when he'll come home--so I lie in bed all night with the baby afraid someone might break in. We sleep in separate rooms. There has been very little intimacy for a couple years now, which is a stark contrast to how things were before. He stopped drinking 13 years ago; we met 9 years ago; he started behaving like a "dry drunk" about 2 years ago, after he lost a job.

The one thing is, he is very good with our son when he does watch him. It's clear he is in love with the baby. He's good to him. He respects our little man and tends to him well.   He is providing all the childcare during the 3 days per week that I commute to work, plus a couple hours on my 2 work from home days.  Sometimes just watches him sleep because he loves him so much.

Finances are tight. If I ask him to leave, there won't be anyone to come watch the baby during the work-week.  Even if he agreed to come watch our son during a separation, he won't be able to work, because watching our baby would then become a full-time job, more than it is now even (because I'd want him here in the morning, not noon when he currently wakes up while I'm supposed to be working from home). And I confess, I'd feel overwhelmed in the evenings and lonely, even though he is currently very little help and a terrible companion most the time.

I don't want him around in a few years, when our son is old enough to notice that daddy always wants to separate himself from the family and go off alone as though we are some kind of chore. I want my son to have a fuller life than he could have with one parent basically lying in bed and ignoring all his obligations and future. I want to have financial stability, and I want to be able to help out my son in 20 years, not have to take care of a husband who can't care for himself and has no job or retirement (he is 40 now). I want to focus on my career and my future, not just put out fires. I want a companion, someone who will want to have at least some family time, some grown-up time, and who will be ok with the little normal things that happen in a day. All those things would be good for our son, but I feel that leaving my husband right now would be terrible for our son-- if I could even do it, financially. And it may be heartbreaking to my husband, whom I still do love and care about.

Ugh, how long, how long until I can either leave, or kick him out, or start doing some things to get my life back?