Drowning In anger and sadness and blind with rage - Al-Anon Family Group

TryingHard2013 · Veteran Member

Drowning In anger and sadness and blind with rage

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Step back from it by using the serenity prayer. Write down on paper all you are thinking and feeling if you choose. Wash dishes. Wash floors. Clean closets. Clean drawers. Vacuum. Scrub the tub. Make something fun for the baby's breakfast. Think up a new game for her to play with you. Use the anger and the energy in a productive way.

Others will weigh in here, too. Prayers and positive thoughts being sent to you.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

The first step tells us we are powerless over others and becoming angry and resentful over their actions is a negative REACTION that only hurts US.

You can simply tell your child that your partner is ill and cannot return home. You can also tell her that you are there and will be there to care for her and love her.

Remember the serenity prayer and repeat it often,

This is a dreadful disease that wants to destroy all that it touches. Try to rest, and know that you are not alone.

-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 5th of January 2014 11:56:13 PM

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

There are some really speakers on the web. I don't have the website I'm sure someone else does. I know for me if I'm ok my kids are ok. Your kiddo is so young and she is going to pick up on your anger. Just be aware of your emotions and focus on the now and being with your daughter. Your AW is going to do what she's going to do .. what are you going to do. Hugs keep coming back.

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

i've learned on the 1st step what we don't admit is just as important as what we do .. we don't admit we are failures for not being able to control a disease there is no cure for .. the truth ? we are not that powerful .. helps me remember this is a thinking disease, not just a drinking disease .. is why we can feel crazy even when there is no drinking going on .. took me a long time to get the disease piece but today i see it on a spiritual level .. this after having worked the steps for several years .. my eyes didn't open "just like that .. although the illusion was i thought they were supposed to and when i couldn't get it all any faster, i would secretly think -what the heck is wrong with me .. alanon is not religious but definitely spiritual which is why we don't always hear things other say the first time we hear it .. it takes time .. we're all in different places -sometimes but thank god we're not all in insanity at the same time .. the 3 c's .. can't cause, control, cure this .. not because we're tired, not having tried hard -enough, haven't found the right answers, having a bad day, etc.. but because we can't .. period .. we're human .. we need a spiritual solution .. the hope ? higher power expressing himself through our group conscience .. if you can get to face to face meetings, along with web if you don't go already, they can help so much ..

anger is grief .. there is some real grieving in things here .. maybe grieving a change in how things used to be .. at any rate feelng the loss of the family, the unity, the commitment, serenity, sanity, etc .. the mother or fathers of our children, becoming over responsible .. taking on 2 roles that are meant to be shared by 2 .. it's like we read in meetings .. living with the 'effects of alcoholism (thinking and behaviors of ourselves and another) is too much for Most of us .. we become irritable and unreasonable without knowing why .. we have reasons .. irritating behaviors, our own and others .. sometimes it's hard to see when we're in it because when we try to figure it all out alone .. one of the effects is ultimately confusion ..

as far as our children go, it helps me remember love is the essence of all healing .. they are the innocent victims in this .. they have no choice .. i realise today they won't, however, see the situations on the same level we as adults do. i made things even bigger than they were already in my situation .. it felt like a mountain -because as much -as i tried to tell myself otherwise, by myself, i was more like a molehill .. i needed the fellowship to get through this .. also helps me remember when children want their want their mothers, fathers, ultimately what they really want is love .. a hug .. comfort .. reassurance .. safety .. the feeling of security -gentle voice, etc.. i wish you so much luck in this .. i have been there with my own child who used to ask for her dad all the time but of course he was gone running .. it was the saddest thing ever .. it still is, but i recognise today, i can't even call him a failure .. he has a disease .. all i can do is work on me .. and try to remember that if my own daughter doesn't ever feel the effects of pain, she will never have a need for a higher power .. who knows maybe someday she will find her way to alanon and become grateful for having been led to the door ..

Much serenity to you !! keep sharing ..

-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Monday 6th of January 2014 01:33:20 AM

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

What I did was this...She was gone...we were in separate places and I was in withdrawal. I realized that so much of my security came from being close to her and even when things were absolutely chaotic I could come to peace if I was holding her. She was like my teddy bear or security blanket and now she was gone. I was desperate beyond words and when I went to bed I tried counting the tiny holes in the ceiling tile above me in the dark or half light. (Insanity) and then I knew I needed a substitute and as I lay in bed I asked my Higher Power to lay down next to me and hold me so I could just sleep. I felt it I felt my self embraced and embracing and went into a sound peaceful sleep. When I woke up in the morning I heard my spirit recite..."Free at last, Free at last...thank God I'm free at last"...just as MLK did and I never had problems "needing" anyone again to help me not be afraid. If you hate feeling anger and rage...feel the opposite and get the opposite relief....The opposite of anger is acceptance...acceptance of the fact of the situation and not the morality of it. The opposite of sadness and loss for me was gratitude; gratitudes for the good stuff I did have even if I had to search deep at first to see it. Express compassion with your daughter rather than for her. When she is sad and confused affirm that you also know what that is like and do yourself. Get thru it together. Your AW is very very sick and you didn't cause it...you cannot control it and will not be able to cure it. God can...and will...if God is sought. Keep coming back here. ((((hugs)))) smile

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Tryingharder,

It is only natural that you are feeling anger - when my anger arrived I really tried to push it away but then I found that when I accepted it (and meditation helped me to get to that point) and greeted it face on and said hello anger and listened when I asked 'what do you need?' then either of two things happened - the anger slipped away (magic!) or it told me what I needed to hear - which was, in my case, to take better care of myself and to focus on resting and restoring my energy so that I could get back to doing the things that I enjoyed. Everyday I would try to do something nice for myself, something little that made me feel proud and something creative and fun.

I smiled at Grateful's post - I am not a domestic goddess but I was cleaning like a demon when I was trying to avoid my own personal tornado. It helped as well!

It is early days so be as gentle with yourself as you would any small child.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

grateful2be wrote:
Step back from it by using the serenity prayer. Write down on paper all you are thinking and feeling if you choose. Wash dishes. Wash floors. Clean closets. Clean drawers. Vacuum. Scrub the tub. Make something fun for the baby's breakfast. Think up a new game for her to play with you. Use the anger and the energy in a productive way.

Others will weigh in here, too. Prayers and positive thoughts being sent to you.

in addition to grateful's wise suggestion, reading your literature and working the first 3 steps.......also step up on the meets...talk w/recovery mates.....

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

For a mom to leave her child should be a huge eye opener to how strong the disease is. Your wife is very, very sick! My way is allow love to be your guide. Compassion goes a long, long ways.

She does not choose to be so sick and have this horrible sickness. They crave their drug to the deepest part of them. It's HORRIBLE. They are in more pain from guilt than we will ever know.

When I researched addiction and what drugs do to the body it was easy for me to let go and just love him. Now he is gone, too brain damaged to live with.

She has to be so very sick to leave her little one. hugz, keep coming. keep venting. Debilyn

TryingHard2013 · Veteran Member

Ty Debilyn. Yes she is sick. And it was making me sick to try to save her. It is still making me sick. But I am still breathing and I found my HP so all this pain was a gift a hard way home for me. But today is another day.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Nobody is going to be able to save her....she has to want it. Even her affair is going to become toxic after a while.

Just take care of you and your daughter. Stay on your side of the street and

Let Go Let God...

(((( hugs )))) you are not alone

TryingHard2013 · Veteran Member

I feel remarkably free now that I know we have no chance as a couple. I am free to care for our little one. And care for me. She's someone else's problem now.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.