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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I wanted to refrain posting or at least digest a little more of everything that has been said since my first post. Yet I feel deeply compelled to come back since things have worsened since.
My mom has always been a really heavy drinker and for a while it was really bad. Yet over the years, she curbed her drinking. At least in my presence. She no longer hit the hard stuff. She'd order wine by the glass instead of the litre when we dined out. I'm not sure how much or her reform was illusion, or denial, or reality, but our relationship, at the very least, improved.
I've returned home for a brief visit and I can see her drinking has gotten worse again.
Today our family went out to lunch, a bring your own wine place. Yet no one wanted any wine. My cousin volunteered to share in the bottle since otherwise my mom would have been drinking alone. My cousin had maybe one or two glasses, she finished the rest of the bottle.
After lunch we head home. She has another few glasses from a half empty bottle tucked in the fridge. Time passes. We cook dinner. I notice she has opened a new bottle and is nearly half way finished.
It's here that I pause and I think of the steps. I read the words but they aren't sinking in. I wonder of the things that I can change. I wonder of the things that I can't. I'm feeling helpless again.
After dinner, I asked my mom to borrow something of hers. She says sure. I pop in to her closet to get it and I find an empty bottle of vodka and a half empty mickey of brandy. I can't help myself. I ask my mom to slow down on the drinking. I don't tell her I know about the brandy or the vodka. She immediately says fine. I say fine, too, that I'm off to bed.
I realize I've been watching her all day. I'm often watching her. In fact, I didn't even realize I was watching her until it became painfully obvious that all I had thought about for most of today was her drinking.
I'm vowing here and now, not to check that closet tomorrow. This will take a lot of strength.
But I also want to know - how can I set some boundaries with her? I don't want to be around her when she drinks like this. Is there any way she and I can come to some sort of understanding? Or am I still delusional myself?
First of all , noone can change "mom" but mom.....you can only change you and your "do you want to fight this , or let her alone to her own devices"
as to "living with this"??? whose house are yousharing??? hers or yours???? if it is yours you can set a boundary to the tune that if this doesn't stop, she will have to go somewhere else and DONT say it if you can't follow through
if it is her house, then you have a choice....leave it alone becuz there isnt' any stopping her, she has to stop on her own...noone can make an obvious alcoholic STOP drinking......so if it is her house, you have a choice to either detach...let go....mind your own business OR move out......
sounds like mom is in a lot of trouble...alcohol abuse is a slow death unless they arrest it and get into AA and stay sober
If i were you, I would be working on you....meetings....work the steps w/a sponsor to guide you....practice the slogans, and work your program.....you are feeling lost because you need to work a strong program.....learn how to take care of you....live and let live...even tho their "living" isn't good for them, again...you are powerless.....acceptance of that brings you to giving all this over to your Higher Power and working on your life, not hers....
yea, I wish it were that easy...Yank their bottles...force them into AA and the steps/meetings.....Would be nice, but that isn't in the real world...in the real world, we are here under choice and freewill....And we reap what we sow, re: our choices.....
Just my take based on what i read
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Glad you came back. Your mum has a compulsion to drink and you have a compulsion to watch. I was like this with my ex, I had to know the truth of his drinking, bottles under the batb, in the hedge, in cupboards and I searched for them and then I would confront him. Why did I do that? I had a need to be right, I thougbt he would stop because I knew. He never did, he just changed his hiding place and away we went, crazy really. I think the program helps us look at us. I first had to learn that people, including alcoholics, have the right to make their own choices. Your mum has the right to drink if that what she chooses. Thats what makes you powerless. You cant lock her up or brainwash her, although both these solutions do sound good,lol. The boundaries are about you, not if you drink I will do this or that, although you could do this, realistically you cant make her stop with threats. Your boundary is about you, so it could be when my mum is drinking I will do something else that is enjoyable for me and I wont think about her. Im not sure if this would be practical if you live with your mum. It may be worth looking at your own reactions towards your mum when she drinks, are you angry, worried, resentful? If so it may be good to work on this. Alanon meetings will help you with this.x
I don't live with my mom. I'm only in town for a few weeks. I live about a five-hour drive from her. I've been busy and visiting less and less often. I suppose that made it easy. I could compartmentalize her and I could compartmentalize her drinking.
neshema2: I'll keep coming back and working on me. Though I realize this is going to take a lot of time. And you are absolutely right... even if reading your response was hard.
el-cree: I am grateful for your empathy. Everything you said is totally true. I fell into the trap, once again, of playing hide and seek and it's useless. I shouldn't do this to myself or to her.
I don't know where I'm going to find the strength but I'll keep looking. I suppose it's hard because I love her so much and because the only person she's really hurting is herself.
-- Edited by midori on Sunday 5th of January 2014 09:07:03 PM
It must be hard when its your mother, in some ways its easier when its your husband or partner, its normal or acceptable to leave them but you cant realy divorce your mum. Alanon meetings issue newcomers with starter packs and when I got mine there was an excellent pamphlet called detachment. It gives some clear and easy information on how to detach with love. It may help.x
Keep coming back. There is a lot to learn from these boards and these wonderful people. Sometimes (most of the time) you learn the same thing over and over - on a deep and deeper level. This will take some time , and with practice things will start to get a little easier as you begin to see the results of letting go and of detaching. the result being that YOU are less stressed out..and oddly enoughI have found that I have a better "relationship" with my alcoholic because he doesn't have to keep fending off my comments lol.
Really though, take care of you. you will learn that they do what they want to do no matter what we want. (And trying to "force" what WE want on them just exacerbates the situation.) We just have to decide how much we can tolerate.
If that means only visiting her for 1 day instead of 5 - so be it. Or stay in a hotel and when she has had too much to drink cut the night short and then go see a movie or go out.
I understand how sad this is. Although my Alcoholic is my husband, I have decided not to leave him (well its not completely off the table...). But my life is not what I wanted it to be. I still have no children and that breaks my heart, perhaps the same way it breaks your heart to see your mom hurting. I am slowly trying to come to peace with the fact that it just may not be in the cards for me. I have my moments of sadness and I cry, and then I pull myself out of it. I have also learned to "grieve". I mourn/ed the losses that alcohol has caused in my life. It helps me to let the sadness go.
Keep up the good work - the more you read here the more you learn, the more things will fall into place
