I was outside, getting ready to brave the cold and go to the club...hoodie on, and i notice that my little shrub that i nursed through summer, trying to keep it alive, finally died...I was sad, but dug up the little shriveled thing that was dry as a bone..No life in it and i look up and daughter #2 is pulling out of her drive...

I waved..She waved and she drives over to my side and parks behind this kid i am letting park under my tree...Well its city property, but i told him I wold keep an eye on his "Caddy" for him...Anyway,

Daughter pulls up and says  "hey mom" I said  "hey"  back to her and she said  she had come over on NY day and I was gone....I told her that I was either at next door friend or across the street friend OR I was at my club having fun...But I was NOT home....

She said she was going to the store with her sons, my grandsons, The older one who never even said hello, but the little boy I helped bring into the world, is waving and my heart swelled, seeing his cheery little face , happy to see me...I waved back and blew kisses to him and my daughter asked me if I wanted to go with her, like nothing happened,  same old,   "wait for a while and *it*  will go away"   that is her mindset.....Play it cool and mom will forgive and forget and all is as though nothing ever happened.....Well, mom has changed.....

I thanked her for the invite and declined , told her i was going to club, which i was....She asked me "where have you been, you are never around??"   I told her that I , of course, worked..Then I had my club and my friends and pretty soon, the volunteer work at the shelter..

I told her I was happy and not lonely anymore and that life was "ok"....She just kinda looked at me and said  'well this summer we are gonna do stuff"  and then she didn't say anymore...  (I didnt ask for clarification)  but I said that was good and I asked her if she was well (her health)  and were things alright...She said yes and I told her I was glad she was ok and safe....

I just can't be around her and I accept it....She wants me around to smack down and I am not going to go there....I will always love and care about her, but I am gonna take care of me....

I didn't even go to the car because I didn't feel right , getting to close to her, so I kept my distance...Smiled and wished her all the best.....

I told her I  "had to go" and as i was getting into my car, I heard her say  "love you mom"  and I didn't say anything...I just got in my car and proceeded to go to the club...

Since I put some distance, I am calmer...NO drama....NO frustration....NO being hurt and feeling stupid becuz I let her smack me down again......I am alive and I am OK......IF she ever gets into acoa and deals with the issues and anger I know she feels towards her dad that she takes out on me,  then maybe things can change for us, but as i recover.....As i find myself...As I find value in me...As I become clear on what I will accept/not accept.....In general as I get healthier and more healed,  I just don't miss the drama and chaos and the pain......Abuse will never again be acceptable to me...I don't care who it is....I will not accept abuse of any kind...

Regarding hers and my relationship or lack thereof, I accept it is what it is right now ....And the present is where we are......And the way things were between her and me are not acceptable to me and for me and my serenity......

She didn't come out and ask me  "why am I keeping my distance"  or "mom what is the matter with you regarding me???"    yes, she wanted to know where I was becuz I am not sitting at home anymore, I am having fun....Yes, she did ask that but did not ask "what is the matter w/us??"  or  "why don't you come over"   She doesn't ask....

Avoidance and "stepping around" stuff is the MO.....IF she asks I will be kind and tell her that I removed myself from  the head games, the setting me up for more hurt and the "standing me up" when she promises we are gonna do something...I will just tell her what she did...How bad it hurt...I will accept my part in it and that was letting it go on and on and on , rebuking her but then going back to the same behaviour....That was my part, I did not stand up for my boundaries as I am now.....

IF she asks...I will just tell the truth....I will mention how ACA and alanon are helping me and that they are free, and if she wants some step worksheets I will be glad to email them to her....She knows I am in recovery...She knows what alanon and aca are.......I am powerless over her decisions....Creator is not........I turned her over to Creator and she is in good hands....

I felt NO resentment......NO ill will.....YES, some sadness at my having to put so much distance to take care of me........I miss my baby boy......I know she is a good mother and the kids are well cared for....She has a nice, dependable and good provider as a husband....I know they are "ok"....

I am "OK".....I am standing to my boundaries...I had warned her in the past over and over and over again, ad nauseum  that this can't continue, this cruelty/abuse to me and one day I will get enough and that will be it...I will walk away....I did not stand to that for a long time.....Finally , now I have....AND, I did it with love and compassion for her, but I had to choose....Her or me....I finally chose me....

I went to club today, and i notice that I am stronger, can go more distance on treadmills and the weights I put on 10# more on my weights....I swam, and met a nice guy in the steam bath...NO we just chatted and he was a very nice gentleman,  he asked me how often do I come and I said I wanted to come minimum 5 days a week, weather permitting...He said he was going to do that too, and said "well, I hope I run into you again"....He was cute...Probably married, lol....As I always told my kids...ALL things as they are meant to be...This guy was real nice, we had fun chatting.....

I am there at the club to better my physical health, but my mind and my eyes are open....This guy was a seniour, and nice eye candy....