When do you know they want help?? - Al-Anon Family Group

Gaby · Senior Member

When do you know they want help??

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

It would be more real if he called you and told you he started this journey for himself without you. That is my experience and what is also my experience is that because of my ego and pride...she went back out...drugging and drinking. I didn't keep her alive...God did and then God taught me a lesson from it without me even knowing and she became my metaphor for humility. Everytime I got involved it was as if I was snatching her back from the hands of HP...it almost killed her. Letting go and Letting God is not part-time work for me now...its a career. Part of the definition of alcoholism is that it is a progressive disease and that if they have a period of sober time and then go back to drinking it is as if no time of sobriety ever existed and often times it is worse. It goes on to say that "we are as affected as the alcoholic in that we learn to act and react in much the same way while we don't have the anesthesia of alcohol to block out reality and there fore we go thru it wide awake. We too affect every thing and one we come into contact with and have much the same three choices as the alcoholic, ...serenity, insanity or death.

Keep coming back ((((hugs)))) smile

-- Edited by Jerry F on Sunday 5th of January 2014 03:49:38 AM

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

You know they want help when they get it on their own. They don't even need to tell us. We'll find out in good time.

ParisMemories · Senior Member

For me it was helpful to attend open AA meetings in addition to my alanon meetings. I saw first hand what recovery looked and sounded like for the A. I also learned that their actions will show the truth, not their words.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

There's a reading on this in one of the readers today. Jerry your way of putting it is very powerful for me. Im learning this too.x

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Gaby, there is nothing more to this than he would get in rehab or a sober living environment. Those are the basics where he would begin working on a 12 step program. Delving into NA will be his salvation (and clearly his HP has a giant role in that). I am wary of any pleas for "medical help." I have a few thoughts on that: 1. He needs an explanation for continually screwing up rehab and halfways. 2. He is so addicted that he can't seem to get much past the detox before going out again. 3. He is going to want some replacement therapy (suboxone or methadone) which is not ideal or 4. He is out of money and means to get high and wants "medical help" (i.e. Suboxone, Methadone) so he can get high because it's better than nothing. 6. He honestly thinks he's not capable of doing what countless others do to get clean and sober (even though he did it for almost 6 months before and he thinks a doctor will magically fix him.

So that's my take. Of course, he could have done all this on his own like Jerry stated. Suboxone/Methadone is the easy way out and I wonder if he wants you to hear from a doctor that this is a good option (it's viable but not really the best as you know since he was able to do this for 5 months without before).

So Gaby - about you - I know you want there to be some "other" answer to his addiction but it really is him recommitting to NA. It sounds to me like he has never given NA a good shot cuz, once in the community, he places everything ahead of sobriety (girlfriend, baby, friends...) and he slacks up on sponsor, steps, meetings. When he gets a little older and more desperate, NA will be the last house on the end of the street and he will work it to save his life. It just sucks so bad for you to detach and let that happen.

Not saying your choice this time is right or wrong. I don't know. Have no idea what might be "medically wrong" but just some thoughts. You will know he wants it when he checks himself into rehab and is doing EVERYTHING his sponsor suggests without your involvement (daily meetings, service, steps).

Mimi3 · Senior Member

~Gaby~

Pinkchip & Jerry have given you some very good thoughts...I know in my life, nothing changed with my AH until I STOPPED EVERY SINGLE THING I HAD BEEN DOING & TRYING, not one thing worked as long as I was in the way, I had to have some pretty tough boundaries and I completely surrendered and focused solely on myself and my children. When I did that, when I DUCKED & GOT OUT OF GODS WAY, is when my AH FOUND HIS OWN WAY INTO AA WITH THE PEOPLE THAT COULD HELP HIM

Open Letter from the Alcoholic

I am an alcoholic. I need your help.

Don't lecture, blame or scold me. You wouldn't be angry with me for having cancer or diabetes. Alcoholism is a disease, too.

Don't pour out my liquor; it's just a waste because I can always find ways of getting more.

Don't let me provoke your anger. If you attack me verbally or physically, you will only confirm my bad opinion abut myself. I hate myself enough already.

Don't let your love and anxiety for me lead you into doing what I ought to do for myself. If you assume my responsibilities, you make my failure to assume them permanent. My sense of guilt will be increased, and you will feel resentful.

Don't accept my promises. I'll promise anything to get off the hook. But the nature of my illness prevents me from keeping my promises, even though I mean them at the time.

Don't make empty threats. Once you have made a decision, stick to it.

Don't believe everything I tell you; it may be a lie. Denial of reality is a symptom of my illness. Moreover, I'm likely to lose respect for those I can fool too easily.

Don't let me take advantage of you or exploit you in any way. Love cannot exist for long without the dimension of justice.

Don't cover up for me or try in any way to spare me the consequences of my drinking. Don't lie for me, pay my bills, or meet my obligations. It may avert or reduce the very crisis that would prompt me to seek help. I can continue to deny that I have a drinking problem as long as you provide an automatic escape for the consequences of my drinking.

Above all, do learn all you can about alcoholism and your role in relation to me. Go to open AA meetings when you can. Attend Al-Anon meetings regularly, read the literature and keep in touch with Al-Anon members. They're the people who can help you see the whole situation clearly.

I love you.

Your Alcoholic

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I trust you already know the answer to your question.......

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

My gosh.....I'm so glad I'm reminded here today reading this thread.

Gaby.....you are helping me while your getting help.

Thank you

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

The simplest definition of enabling: doing for someone what they can do for themselves. My ex kept saying he wanted me to go to AA meetings with him and I refused, repeatedly saying that I was involved in my own recovery program. He was capable of going alone of course and used my refusal to go as proof that I didn't support him and caused our divorce which is why he continues to drink....

Jen61 · ~*Service Worker*~

Keep us all posted. You and your family are in my thoughts.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Remember those merry-go-rounds on playgrounds when we were in school, Gaby? As long as there as one person on it and one outside it pushing before they jumped on themselves, we could go round and round and round. But, if somebody jumped off it - the jumper sometimes got hurt, but not badly - or the person outside got tired and quit pushing - the merry go round stopped its circling and those of us who had been playing on it found something else to do. We were tired of being dizzy and going nowhere.

oldergal · Senior Member

Don't know the details, but why do YOU have to take him to seek medical help? He is over 21 I think. If he just needs a ride, then pay a taxi for him. are you going to get hooked into paying for drugs/medication for him is that what he is looking for? I would ask that question and think about it thoroughly. This may be the case.... if not then HE can go to ER and tell them he needs help medically (on his own). Your not strong enough to deal with this yet Gaby be cautious. Our Son's manipulate us and they try many different angles. (cunning!)

Give it your best shot Gaby we're all with you, and then pull out your Al-anon literature and "get on your knees"....in support og

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

PP wrote:
I trust you already know the answer to your question.......

yep..agree.....I would re-read likemyheart's post about enabling...

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree, sadly I have had several loved ones on heroin. The only time they can really kick it, is when they make every step on their own. If they are not strong enough to do every step, they are not strong enough to pull it off.

We take away from them if we do anything.

There is a treatment where they put them under until the physical cramping etc is over. But it is very expensive, plus it does not help the craving and desire. It takes a huge amount of their own power to kick it, it has to be that and that only.

hugs honey, I know it is hard! love,debilyn

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