The material presented
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So I got home from California this morning and she was packed. Told me she wanted a divorce, said she would not stop seeing the other woman. That she hated me that she had been unhappy since we met and that I was the reason she drank and never smiled. I knew this was coming like a coiled serpent waiting to spring. So I cried and cried some more.
I always said I can feel her like the weather. So I didn't need to give any boundary today. all my courage meant nothing. Instead I said you are not thinking clearly right now so I will accept that you are moving out but it is a trial separation. I told her I would show up to couples counseling every Tuesday unLess she didn't show up. She began yelling about how angry she was and how I took her privacy by talking to her mom and dad and asking them to help these past few months. She said I should of kept my mouth shut instead of being the poor victim. She said she was sick of being the villain and she just wanted to be free. I told her there are no villains only people. Flawed sad people and that she wasn't being herself and that the disease was talking and that she should take a breath before getting angrier. She stopped and said fine I will go to couples counseling but I'm leaving today. I said ok.
so after I got her to agree to the trial separation and couples counseling I told her I had a f2f al anon meeting to go to and that I would come back before she left. She said ok. She then said she would come by every night to do the night routine with our daughter and that she wanted to be included in every weekend family plan. AW had not wanted to do any of these two activities for the past year always finding some excuse to avoid them. So I said that was great. That I loved the idea of family weekends. I then decided I should just say what I had been thinking all along. All of it plus what I learned on this board and about addict behavior. . I told her what the purpose of al anon was and how it encouraged self care and self work. I told her she was lost and that she had been lost for a long time but that instead of the al anon tools I tried to manage her becoming more rigid and unyielding. I told her that I wanted recovery for her and I wanted her to dry up and get the right meds. I also told her that I took no blame and made no excuses for what she had done by lying and cheating but that I did recognize that I was blind to this disease and did not understand how severely it had gotten a grip on her life. I told her that I would be in recovery all of my life and that I hoped she recovered too. I told her that we would have to learn to communicate in couples therapy because out 2 year old would need both of us and that I did not want our daughter to become one of us or date one of us in the future. I told her I needed to be ready to stop the cycle before it began and that al anon was part of that. I wished her the best and told her that it was good that she was leaving because the lies would never let us heal. And that the weight of our decade together was not helping her find hope. she listened. And then said thank you for talking to me. I thanked her for listening and went to my meeting.
i came home and she was waiting to leave. I hugged her. She hugged me back. It felt good to huh her like she was calm for a moment and so was I. But I can still smell her hair and the way she folds into my arms. I will have a long night. But today I feel honest. Today she felt honest. today I came closer to acceptance.
Hard and soft at the same time? Sending you lots of encouragement, support, prayers and understanding. Not easy living with an active A. Not easy separating from our loved one. Not easy to recover. All do-able with others going through the same thing or who have been through it. (((T)))
Well, Trying, Creator moves in mysterious ways....I think this was for the best....She said she did not want to stop seeing this woman, so what can ya do???? Nothing!!!!
it is good she wants to do "nite nite" love w/daughter and that she wants to do weekend stuff, but if I were you, I would not get my hopes up....she was leaving, probably to go see her "friend" and maybe hit the bars and probably was on a "high" from making this decision....so just take it one day at a time...focus on the program, it is GREAT you going to the meetings...try and find a sponsor, same sex is best, and get working on the steps....keep up the good work on you and i think , if i were you, i would step up on the meets and the 12 steps...
there is a 12 steps board here where all of them are here some where and posts on them, it would be a great start for you
Melodie Beattie wrote two books that really helped me...simple but powerful......12 steps for codependents and codependent no more......it really opened up my eyes to the program and it offered solutions to the problem....
Hang in there...Personally, I am not surprised she left...she knew you were in program, working to get better, maybe she thought that the stronger you got, the more "cornered" she would be with her unhealthy behaviour....
sometimes getting healthy the toxins leave us pretty quick...they know they can game us, manipulate us, bully us, they can screw with our heads any more, they don't like us being strong so they leave....that is what negativity does when it cannot take you down anymore....it just goes away....
this is based on my own personal experiences and those experiences of my sponsor, my co-recovery friends and just from observation...
the toxins dont' want to be around me because they cannot bulls*** me or game me or bully me or use me or step on my boundaries........so they don't even go there...
i have had family since recovery first try and undermine, fight and otherwise put me and my program down...when that did not work and my boundaries and self love got stronger and stronger and i did not accept abuse and disrespect anymore, I didn't have to separate from them, they kicked ME to the curb because they knew the games were over.....
JUST MY experience and what i have seen.......please take what you can use and discard the rest...
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
In Alanon I learned to grieve loss... to talk it through... it takes the rough edge off a tough situation... it gives us a chance to move on, when we are ready to...
Hugs, I understand how raw you must feel right now .. I felt the same way when my stbax left. I really encourage you to let go of any expectation of family nights or weekends. If it happens great .. if not it will keep hurt and disappointment at bay. My stbax did a similar dance and it lasted for a few weeks .. after 2 years and no recovery he hasn't seen the kids for 6 months. It's all my fault of course. I'm not saying this will happen in your situation just be prepared that the keen alcoholic mind means what it says in the moment. The moment passes very quickly .. especially when guilt and accountability are what is facing the active A. They want what feels good .. responsibilities don't feel good. Hugs, prayers, love and support. This too shall pass .. sometimes like a kidney stone .. this too shall pass.
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Thanks for the share Trying...It reminds me of what I went thru and listening to you share what you said and did reminded me also of my part in getting to face reality which was coming one day at a time as I sat and listened to others who came before me in the program. One of them told me "You're going to have to get away from all things alcohol" and the vision I saw was as if I was taking my infant in its carrier and leaving it in the middle of the busiest intersection of town at noon hour...leaving her to the mad rush of traffic and I wept as I never had before, and I moved away from all things alcohol including my family of origin.
Most likely her anger at you was for being commited and loyal and trustworthy for her as the disease tried harder and harder to pull her away and while she wished to let that happen...that is the compulsion and the obsession which trumps all reality. When I parted from my alcoholic/addict there was a huge hold left which I could not fill until I found out it was a God shaped hole and she wasn't a god any longer for me. Working the program dilligently I was finally led to and arrived at detachment with love (in many areas Love is the name of HP) and I was finally free.
Stay with the board and go back to your meetings for you. Your recovery is what it is all about. ((((hugs))))
I just want to say that I think you are going to continue do great and grow in this program ;) you handled that well, you stayed calm, and your calm energy kept it from escalating ;) saying a prayer for you n your family and wishing you all the best in your recovery
-- Edited by karma13 on Sunday 5th of January 2014 07:19:14 AM
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I needed these behaviors in my past they helped me survive I'm finding new and better ways to not just survive but thrive
Thanks for sharing, I am glad you are attending alanon meetings, this is a good thing for you and your daughter. You are in no way to blame for her drinking or her self pity, this is just another way of deflecting negativity onto you. You dont need to believe that nonsense. I suggest that you concentrate on you and your daughter, your happiness, your serenity, do nice things for yourself, soothe your inner child. Arrangements regarding visitation shoukd be to suit you, your wife may try to have her cake and eat it, in terms of playing mummy and then returning to her gf but just be careful that this does not erode your self esteem further and dont be afraid to state your needs. It may be too painful for you to have her come each night and then leave and what will the impact of this be on your daughter? It may confuse her and upset her. It may be useful to put your daughters needs above everything else just now as this may be a way to protect yourself also. Take care.x
I really encourage you to let go of any expectation of family nights or weekends. If it happens great .. if not it will keep hurt and disappointment at bay. I'm not saying this will happen in your situation just be prepared that the keen alcoholic mind means what it says in the moment. The moment passes very quickly .. especially when guilt and accountability are what is facing the active A. They want what feels good .. responsibilities don't feel good. Hugs, prayers, love and support. This too shall pass .. sometimes like a kidney stone .. this too shall pass.
Dear trying, I re-read my post and I, have to go along w/the others after thinking about it,,,yea, its "nice" she wants to do that, but broken promises, dashed dreams are part of being with an active alcoholic...I think I said to the tune of "dont' count on it" or "don't get your hopes up" and I meant that......I also meant what I said about your getting healthier is her enemy now becuz she knows the games and "mind jobs" are over with...so rather than get help, she bails...
I think Serenity here is spot on in this entire reply........don't expect anything...don't expect these family times to last if they even get out of the starting gate....
Allow yourself the grief...Allow the tears...Even tho this is probably a blessing becuz it clearly shows no interest in recovery on her part, a loss is a loss....It is an ending of something....
I do hope today you are at a meet or just had one and are getting in touch w/your feelings....Going to face to face meets will enable you to meet some other folks who may have had the same event happen to them and they can give you some comfort and ESH......
I am glad everyone here gave you some really great ESH.....You are gonna do find....yea, it hurts at first...like sitting in a dentist chair after that awful, bad tooth has been pulled, it still leaves a whole in your mouth and the area is bleeding and your in the chair feeling like crap, exhausted from the pain and then the removal and release of it, but now you can heal....I would be very very surprised if she did a 180 and got into AA and fought to reverse her actions...
My kids were grown when i asked AH #2 to leave and they were just eager for me to get happy and healthy.....so no little ones to impact, so i am not sure what impact this has on little daughter
I can only imagine the absence of fighting, insults, her drinking, her snapping at the little girl can only be a positive for the child....The chaos and drama that had to have been in that house cannot have been good for her little psyche.....I remember how shattered we kids were when we witnessed one brawl after another ....It was terrible...Seeing those two go at it was horrible...It made us hyper alert, feeling unsafe, waiting for the next bomb to go off...We had NO clue what peace was....Just saying from MY memories...
We are here and listening if ya want to post....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Tryinghard, so sorry for your pain. Its painful to let go of an illusion that you have help feed and invested in. Stop pushing your will on her.
No matter how hard you push, she will resist , alcoholics will always go after what makes them feel good for the moment, never thinking of the long term.
But let go you must and keep on with what your doing with your program and try not to make her the focus as anyone can see you love her very much. Don't give up hope. Keep believing
