The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
i can understand why each group has steps, but if it is "not my fault" and beyond my control, then what does the alanon-er have to confess to and make amends to/for? why are the steps the same? it seems like that means it IS my fault.
it sure makes you feel like a failure when both of your children are A. i can only imagine how horrible parents of murderers must feel. that's a bad way to try to gain perspective i know, but the thought goes through my head sometimes. i wish i had a time clock to turn back so i could try to do it all better.
Because the ultimate goal is a spiritual awakening so as to relieve you of the bondage of self and the maladaptive behaviors that are the product of living in fear rather than faith. The maladaptive and willful behaviors can apply to all sorts of things. The steps are a successful plan for living that could apply to anyone.
fantastic question....I think the steps are the "same" becuz of the end result they produce...I agree with Pinkchip 100% here and will add my own 2cents here
steps 1-3 the give over or surrender steps....they help us get out of the seduction of control over things we are are NOT in control of....(I am powerless over ANYTHING outside of my own skin) and also they help us surrender to the fact that we are not really alone, Higher power has not abandoned us and that we can keep fighting it and suffer the hard lessons, or we can surrender to love and come out of our denial
steps 4-6 the owning up steps...here we get brutally honest with ourselves, our dysfunctional attributes, our maladaptive behaviours that sabotage us, we come to understand how we got these "survival skills" we come out of BS'ing our way through and we get down and honest w/ourselves...our higher power.....safe others
steps 7-9 are the clean up steps...so OK...we know how we got this messed up, what we have to work on, what we have to pray to higher power to help us get free of, and we , if we did harm to another, we through our self discovery step #4, we can approach WHEN IT IS SAFE TO, the ones we harmed and make amends to them what is appropriate...OR we can at the very least see what OUR part in the situation was and make proper changes....I am a survivor of child abuse....(so what would my *part* be in being a child and victim of an adult preying upon me???) of course this does not apply to a situation like that, but how about the stuff that i did as a result of my mental /emotional illness???? for me, I had to get honest about all my personality traits that came to fore bcuz of this abuse and still take responsibility in recovery that yea, I drank, smoked pot, numbed out, self medicated, i was a raging , bitter, hate filled little lady, and i had to "own it, accept it, grieve it, " and clean it up, the amend, was to ME and my poor Higher Power whom i turned away from and cussed out when I was paying attention so most of my amends were to me, my inner child and to my higher power...and any folks who were supportive to me, whom i was untruthful to, or not taking responsibility for myself
steps 10-12 the grow up steps..by now, I am pretty "cool" with my higher power, I am learning to trust it, I am learning a new way to live, and i see healthy improvements in my life b/c of the steps before and instead of wallowing in self pity, now, I do a quick examination of my motives, my "day of events" and i honestly ask myself "ok what positive/negative did i do today????.....what did i feel today???? why???? what (if answers are negative) do i need to work on to stop this from continuing???? and doing this each day keeps me daily cleaning my side of the street....also having had a re-connection or maybe in my case (i was a god hating agnostic) a NEW connection with my higher power, I now have this wonderful friend i can talk to, turn my troubles over to, i can "do my thing" bc HP respects my boundaries, but i also accept that for every action/thought I do there is a *come back* what goes around does come around and hopefully i go back to step 4, work on it and go on , working until i can at the very least manage this.....
the "icing" is the step 12 where i take all i learned, shared, prospered on, benefited from and I share it with others....I spread the good news of the program by my EXAMPLE....i help others where/when I can and if it is safe to do so, and I give my experience, strength and hope
the 12 steps are a continuum , we never, if we are smart and sincere about our program/progress/healing/growth/improvement stop working....we never *graduate* from the steps...they are our life 101 , the hallmark of the program....we work them, and ea. time a challenge comes up or we "slip" or we see something we did to another, we work those steps and do the right thing......
this is just MY take, please use what u can and discard the rest...
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Our steps are the same because they work , as an Al-Anon member I work these steps from a different perspective then the alcoholic does . I have a part in this mess and the steps make that perfectly clear , when living with a practicing alcoholic I hurt a lot of people , parents , children ,friends my attitude stank most of the time I was very angry and took it out on anyone who happened to be around me at the time . thus the amends . I learned here how to be happy regardless of what the alcoholic was doing , to get my life back on track and take care of my own needs because of the steps I am a better mother today , a better wife and finally know how to be a good friend . I was told I was actually helping him to drink by enabling , making excuses for his behavior , lying to our children and parents , covering up his mistakes etc and that ticked me off so I stopped doing those things and eventually he had to take responsibility for his own actions , with no one supporting his disease things changed quickly in our home . We have 24 yrs of sobriety in our home today and I know it`s because someone had to change and that person was ME. just my opinion Louise
i can understand why each group has steps, but if it is "not my fault" and beyond my control, then what does the alanon-er have to confess to and make amends to/for? why are the steps the same? it seems like that means it IS my fault.
For me, being raised by an alcoholic father, with nowhere to turn to left me very angry, confused, jealous and bitter. These emotions came out towards other people. I have said some pretty nasty things to others that was very uncharacteristic of me. I made amends to these people and explained that my behaviour was not really directed toward them but was the result of pent up frustrations from my situation. Putting them down made me feel better about me and that wasn't fair.
The disease of alcoholism affected me as I began to adopt many of the traits of the alcoholic, without the drinking. he was also angry, resentful, bitter and jealous.
Alanoners have to 'confess' and make amends for their own actions and behaviours. Living with alcoholism can mean that you become bitter, resentful, manipulative, the list could go on and the steps help you get to where you can take an honest look at yourself and work towards making the changes that are all about growth and improvement of yourself. Usually the biggest amends are to yourself as its usually ourselves that we hurt the most.
You sound skeptical and I was too, when I was in the midst of the drama with my ex alcoholic partner, I heard about Alanon and thought no way, I am not going to talk about his drinking and learn ways to help him, no way. So, I waited another 25 years or so, in my own misery until I got my chair and its the best move I have ever made. Hope you claim your seat.x
I see in my post that re: my amends were not just to me, inner child and poor HP, but I was so bitter and angry, i would snap at folks for no reason, i was cold hearted, I was selfish in that it was "me me me" NOW it is "me too" BIG difference....so yea, i had to make amends to others and i did and i feel so much better about me, owning my mistakes, owning that yea, i was so very very sick and even tho the people i was "bitchy" and "snarky" with cut me a lot of slack, i still had to own it....I was taking out what i felt about that monster and his wife on innocent people...NOT fair and I made the amends....I had to write down everyone in my life from the ground up and i just went through that list.....for some it would not have been safe to make amends so i said prayers and continued to work on me to turn from any negative behavoiur......i just wanted to clarify...I messed up plenty....it has take me years to clean up and now its a "sweep as I go" proposition....at the end of the day, if i even think i did something to me or HP or another living being, I am not at peace till i "settle my account" with the one i harmed........
Just wanted to clarify..i was wanting to get to the club and i missed some stuff...
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
The reason that the steps are the same in alanon as in AA is that Alanon was developed by the spouse of the founder of AA after he had become sober. In looking at how she felt,she determined that she manifested many of the same symptoms as the alcoholic only she did so without alcohol. She believed , rightly so, that since she had been affected by the disease just as he had been Then the steps would work for us as well. She was right.
We who live with the disease develops symptoms of the disease because we have interacted with it and tried to cope with insanity and stay sane, We lost our focus and ability to understand our wants and needs. We have kept the focus on others so long we have neglected ourselves This is another symptom of the disease of alcoholism We isolate, hold on to anger, resentments self pity and fear . and we loose faith in a God of our understanding These are all symptoms to the disease of alcoholism and that is why the Steps work for us.
We do have assets and defects, we have hurt others as well as we. The Steps help us to sort this all out and to understand that we are imperfect humans who have made mistakes and had many successes.
Alcoholism isn't a moral issue Barbara L...it is a disease and when "we" are under the influence (drinking or not) of it we do some absolutely unacceptable behaviors which often make matters worse when we don't want worse matters and which also can and do hurt ourselves and others causing all of those yukky consequences. It isn't about being good or bad though everything feels bad all the time until with the help of the program I learn to change my perspectives and behaviors. I felt the same way you feel as my reaction to the 4th step...I knew what that pronoun "ourselves" meant...I knew which way those fingers were pointing and I resented it also until I kept sitting down and listening and watching with an open mind. I could focus all day on what my alcoholic/addict wife had done and continued to do and the addict wife before that and the alcoholic girlfriend I had in between and all "those other people" in my life who were screwing up things for me and then I had to find out "what my part it was in the mess of my life" The 10th step helps me now do the inventory on a daily basis cause it is still my life and at times still messed up and alcohol isn't involved in my life anymore...just me.
The other shares relate to the answer why also...we only get to own and clean ourside of the street and the 4th helps us start to do that.
Thank you all for your thought-filled replies. I have been reading and rereading and thinking about everything. I do feel much calmer since I have been coming here the past week, and I have been trying to implement some of the steps and tools, as well as trying to share the theories with my husband as we deal with our A dtr (4 months into recovery) and A son (in denial).
It's hard to turn off the innate caregiving (enabling) switch on your children. I have found that it's so much easier to do that to a partner/spouse than it is to your child. Thanks to everything I am reading here though, I am learning that it is what will really help them.
thank you all.
I did not mean that it is easier to deal with an A spouse I just mean that for me personally it is easier to say F-you and end the relationship with a partner/spouse. I cannot imagine ever saying that and divorcing my children from my life.
