The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
my AH decided to drink again on New Year's Eve. It included me being freaked out & thinking he was going into a diabetic coma, and realizing that, after running to the store to get batteries for the glucometer, panicking that my daughter was alone with him & something would happen to him during that 15 min and she would have to deal with it...to listening to his garbled speech, finding out that it was not too high blood sugar, realizing that he smelled of alcohol (he hurt his back & has been barely walking for 3 days so that didn't cross my mind at all), and me running around after THAT, trying to find the bottle, until I caught myself and said stop. I asked him in the morning if he had drank, he started to try to put it off, and i said no lying, and he admitted he drove (with the bad back) and got a bottle. I didn't know what to say. Then as we discussed it later, a bit, I told him I didn't know how to handle this, as I thought he was working a program. But I stopped talking when he said that the alcohol helped his back pain. Wow. I said wow. Then as the day went on, my daughter who was sick, finally got up. So any further conversation he & I didn't have. Fast forward to yesterday morning, and we talked. I told him that I had said last time that we would be done if he drank again. I told him obviously neither of us had prepared for that. I mentioned things like does he want his daughter to watch him die? Because that is the road he is on. And I wanted us to separate, for now one of us in the guest room. And we'll re-evaluate in 60 days where we are going with all this, whether he is actively working a program and where our life was at. But I now am going to put into action my contingency plan. As it looks as though that is where we are headed. I have some friends I can stay with, with my daughter. But I need to plan out how, what, those logistics. For now....
He is being a totally ass! I can't believe he is so pissed at me. For putting up these restrictions, boundaries. He took our daughter out to lunch. I'm glad he is behaving well with her. But he is barely speaking to me. And my daughter is trying to get us to talk. I know she feels the tension/anger. This must be why people separate rather than trying to live under the same roof. I'm not sure what to say to her. And right now, he is downstairs with his Big Book, over his face as he sleeps. Nice. I think that's his way of showing me he's trying. But he hasn't been to a meeting today. I have no idea if he's spoken with anyone. And one of the ways he deals is to sleep, or check out by watching TV. I am soo uncomfortable in my own home! This is so unfair. I hate alcoholism and i am hating him. I still have 2 hours before my daughter goes to bed and I don't know how to be happy. I just can't stand him like this. I think he wants me to kick him out, so that he doesn't have to. What sucks is I so want my husband back. I can't believe how strong this disease is. I am so sad, as well as angry. I just don't know what to do. I was on line this morning, and is will be again in the morning. But I have to do something to focus on my daughter. This is not fair to her either.
i hope my getting this out will help. Thanks for listening.
I think the plan you put in place is a good one for you and for your daughter. It matters more that you are feeling angry than that he is right now. Good that you are reaching out. Good that you are sticking to your plan. Good that you know you are powerless over him and over what he does to deal with his disease and that your life feels unmanageable right now. He's sleeping under the Big Book. I don't want to offend you, but I find a little humor in that. Can you go to a meeting today? Can you and your daughter enjoy a game or a ride together? Can you accept that today is only one day and tomorrow everything can change if you work your program? Sending lots of support and encouragement. It hurts to be blindsided by this tricky disease and its scary, too. What I loved in this reading is how to tried to help him when you thought he was in a diabetic coma FIRST! Your mind didn't even go to "He's drinking again." You gave him the benefit of the doubt and it appears to me you haven't been chasing around checking on him either. Evidence of Your program work.
Good job working your plan! And you did have the contingency, I think not having the actual plan ready to go is what kills many a well-intentioned plan.
His plan seems to be to be passive-aggressive until you gov up your plan. You have been fair with this whole thing, setting the boundary then as coolly as possible acting on it. He is the one that made the decision that made you enact the protection.
It seems to me that the A always has an excuse to drink. I know mine does. If they took away their excuses, stepped back and saw what really is going on what would happen then? Everybody sees what is going on but them. Very frustrating. When I feel down about this disease I google alcoholics and even have gone to You tube. It gives me something to do plus I am learning from all of the information. Good luck and I feel for you and your daughter. This is the hardest thing to go through.
This must be why people separate rather than trying to live under the same roof. - yup. I told my ex-A that things had to go this and this and that way and he refused and I could NOT abide going back to a life like THAT so I never let him come back. I'm sorry.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Too much talk and monitoring about the alcoholic and what he is doing and not enough of action of what you said you would do if he drank again.
We must never make boundaries or threats unless we are going to carry them out. Boundaries are for us not for the drinker. There is no right or wrong of it. They will fool us every time.
Alanon is not about making judgements or analyzing the A, its about us and our recovery and the solutions and choices we have to make in order to go on living in a sane way.
The alcoholic loves to create drama and fuel, our lessons are not to add to this drama and give them fuel. He is doing what every sick alcoholic will do to keep it going.
We must find thru Alanon different responses so that we can return to serenity and bring it back to us.
Keep coming back, because it works if you work it.
all the best in recovery
Bettina
He is never going to quit for you or his daughter even. If part of him thinks drinking works for him, then it will always be you standing in the way between him and something he thinks you are the one with the problem about. He will only work an honest program when he truly concedes he is an alcoholic and is desperate to do whatever it takes to get sober. He doesn't want to get sober and it seems obvious based on his anger and no attempt or action to really work a program. Knowing he is not serious what will you do? Please don't make choices contingent upon him suddenly wanting something he doesn't. I'm sure he wants to stay in the marriage but an alcoholic not really wanting sobriety will lie and convince themselves they can drink and have you as long as they can pull it off.
(((L)))...First step always tells me "We admitted we were powerless and that our lives had become unmanagable". The shares which suggest you self focus are the shares that saved my life because the disease had me doing all the work thinking I was accomplishing something and I wasn't and my alcoholic/addict drinking, using, lying, stealing, cheating and all that other stuff the good people do under the influence of drugs and alcohol. "I don't know how to handle this anymore" Good thats the admission that you are powerless...now the meetings and if you are not going yet what I did was find the hotline number in the white pages of my local telephone book and called and got the very next meeting I could get to and I went and (this time...X2) I listened and stayed in my chair while I got my life saved. You can do it that way or design your own entry however following others suggestions rather than your own which haven't worked...usually works best. Keep coming back...(((hugs)))
Ty for sharing Ryan. Passive aggressive boundary breaking. Yes I can relate to that. "What's the big deal just get over it and trust me. "Jeez do they all get the same script! I think it's rally hard to set boundaries and hold them hard when kids are involved. It always feels like the kids deserve more tolerance from us as so we cave. You are so strong to keep control of your outrage in front of your daughter and to have a contingency plan. that is serious strength. I am either quietly furious or in tears. You are inspirational. And my prayers are with you and your daughter. Don't let your AH take that light away from you with his dark. Your daughter has a great dad in you.
((ryanhearted)) My husband is still drinking, has never quit, so I can't speak to the pain and disappointment I can only imagine that you must be feeling right now. I do think I know about wanting that loving husband back and the feelings of sadness and extreme anger that you talk about. It made my chest ache, to get over that hatefulness I was feeling, I took to waking early in the morning and turning toward and looking at my husband while he slept, as I used to look at my kids sleep (when they were babies). In those quiet moments- I can best remember that he is still in there, to me this is the closest I get now to the sweet guy I married. That is why I decided to use MorningGlory for my nickname. I hope whatever you decide to do is the right answer for you and your daughter, follow your heart.
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Nothing has changed but my attitude, everything has changed.
Thank you all so much. I too, see the humor of him sleeping under the Big Book, grateful. i spent the evening with my daughter, we watched the Princess & the frog. And she cried at the sad parts. And I cried with her. And my AH watched and worked on some writing. And saw us cry. I found some peace with her. I asked him prior to the dinner & movie if he was going to continue with this attitude. He acted surprised. I left the room & focused on my daughter. I didn't get into it. And I focused on her, and it got better. For me.
thank you, Jerry, for the important reminder to listen and follow others suggestions rather than my own. They are obviously not working. I am going to work on doing TryingHard's plan of 90 mtgs in 90 days. I will be online tomorrow and going to another f2f Sunday. It's funny, I never thought of 90 mtgs in 90 days for me. Obviously I have some work to do! Thank you for the reminder also, Bettina, about working to change my choices so that I can live in a more sane way. I am missing that sanity.
you are all a great support system. I forget that posting on the boards is so helpful, as well as the online mtgs. I'm working on keeping that reminder in place. Thank you so much!!
"I don't know how to handle this anymore" Good thats the admission that you are powerless...now the meetings and if you are not going yet what I did was find the hotline number in the white pages of my local telephone book and called and got the very next meeting I could get to and I went and (this time...X2) I listened and stayed in my chair while I got my life saved. You can do it that way or design your own entry however following others suggestions rather than your own which haven't worked...usually works best. Keep coming back...(((hugs)))
I agree with Jerry....some great stuff i learned at meetings...invaluable....and after the meets, the oldies stick around and "field questions"...like i asked many..."what did you do in this situation??? or what did you think about this?"""" the old timers are only too happy to give some ESH and comfort......even on line, you can hang out after the meet and get loads of golden esh....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Crazy .. i'm seeing this different this morning .. through expectations becoming premeditated resentments .. we already know they can't quit .. or do we .. they know they can't quit on their own .. or do they .. i agree the plan is good because you still need to take care of you .. what i'm seeing is the 3 C's .. can't cause it, control it, cure it .. I can't do any of these .. i get today it's not i can't today .. or i can't because i'm too tired, haven't found the right solution yet .. i can't because he .. etc .. i can't because i can't .. god can only .. and only if we or they find the willingness .. same for the alc, he they can't either .. as far as the big book over the face ? i remember seeing this too with my x .. what i'm sad about 'today is that 'today after having so many years of recovery in me, i don't necessarily look back and see just surface shame or manipulation anymore .. i see the man buried under the disease who secretly knew what this 'disease was costing him .. it robs us of so much .. i see the speck of him that might have wanted to change but continued to make excuses for things he couldn't do yet .. i wouldn't judge even the man who comes through the doors drinking alcohol to AA anymore .. it takes courage to walk through those doors with alcohol on the breath .. (to face his her own humiliation) having been through all of this myself, the partner of the addict/alcoholic, i couldn't see any of this when i was in it because it was so toxic .. but we give them deadlines for things that take real time .. if they haven't done this by this time or that .. they can't they won't deep down we know it .. they can, however, like us .. agree to become willing to go through the doors of AA or somewhere whether the drinking has stopped or not .. they don't have to believe they can or they can't yet .. that's not even until step 2 came to believe God can .. not even that he will, just that he can .. and the steps start with 1 Admitting .. noone's thinking changes just like that .. and it isn't us who does the changing .. that's sort of the fantasy piece .. fantasy expectations .. believe me .. sharing this with love this morning .. this hurts so much when we're in it .. it's when we still think the disease is about Love it hurts the Most .. just my perception too as are all of these .. no rules musts or shoulds in alanon .. ever
but what I'm seeing this morning were my years of unrealistic expectations .. Nothing happens just like that .. the sad part is we Really do love alcoholics and addicts .. it's just what They are .. so hard, so sad .. here's hoping the Best for you, your daughter, and for the husband .. not sure what else I could have done too .. it was overwhelming .. if you are not attending face to face meetings, it is recommended 6 and also 6 months or after 5th if possible and willing before making any life altering decisions.. just food for thought
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Saturday 4th of January 2014 09:40:07 AM
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Saturday 4th of January 2014 09:41:32 AM
He doesn't want to get sober and it seems obvious based on his anger and no attempt or action to really work a program. Knowing he is not serious what will you do? Please don't make choices contingent upon him suddenly wanting something he doesn't. I'm sure he wants to stay in the marriage but an alcoholic not really wanting sobriety will lie and convince themselves they can drink and have you as long as they can pull it off.
i got the same impression reading your post....He does NOT want to get sober....your choices must be make by you, for you, as a result of YOUR needs/ wants/ program learning.....He wants you, AND he wants his booze...he is hoping that your desire to keep him means his bottle, too....yea, he wants you...on HIS terms.....i wold get into meets....step work w/sponsor and reall get into my own head and heart to ascertain, WHY i am afraid or feeling unworthy enough to have to live with this.......alanon was my resuscitation of my life from walking dead to walking living......stick with alanon....keep it in your head, heart and mind and you can work through where YOU come out having a life....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
i remember an alanon share in the meeting where one guy shared, "if you don't have the Hope of changing something, what do you do with it?" His answer was, Nothing .. Hope for me didn't come until i had the steps .. the desire was there, but the hope was being chipped away at .. like the rock cutter in alanon reads .. the rock cutter chipped away and the rock finally split on the 99th hit .. it wasn't the 99th hit that did it .. it was the 98 hits that went before leading to the 99th .. in recovery it's sorta like hang in there it gets better .. but it can go the other way too .. everything these guys do/don't do chips away at their own hope, courage, self worth, etc.. and that of others around them .. they finally give up .. they never get better without recovery, they get worse .. more manipulating, lies, criticism, blame, all kinds of stuff .. the alcohol/substance whatever it is Is a Power Greater than them .. which is why i don't know how anyone can do this without hp .. but If he isn't willing to go there is Nothing you can do except work on You .. hoping you do go to alanon .. but i remember also reading about the ways we punish them which increases the guilt they already carry .. never understood that before but getting the guilt piece today .. the behaviors bring humiliation upon themselves .. they cannot live free with God and carry these harmful behaviors .. it's a natural effect of the behavior and inevitable .. that's not about us that's about them and their own higher power .. their own relationship with hp is off .. nothing we can do to change that piece ..
hoping again for the best for you .. again this is just my perception only .. truly free to take what we like delete the rest in these programs .. So thankful we can all meet together to reason things through .. ! take care ..
I do understand. The pain and sadness caused by the disease of alcoholism is dreadful. As has been stated, we are truly powerless over this disease and because we have such a difficult timeaccepting this reality we continue to have our hopes, dream and expectations shattered.
NO one can read your partners mind or his intentions so we need to focus on ourselves, attend alanon meetings, keep the focus on our assets and desires so that we can recover and accept our powerlessness.
Once we can do this we can see that we have choices regardless of what the alcoholic does. We then can really take care of yourself while trusting higher power one day at a time
Please keep coming back
It works
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-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 4th of January 2014 10:00:13 AM
thank you again, for the support. I have not yet started the steps. I was going to wait and start on the stepwork board when they get to step 1. I believe that will be in about 2 months, as it's every 2 weeks. I would like to find a sponsor who is local. I have a wonderful "temporary" sponsor online. Unless I just go for it online. I am reading, doing yoga, and planning on going to meetings. I have only managed 1 f2f/week, but I am going to try to step that up. I will be on the online meetings every day or in-between. My work does get in the way a lot. Which is why I've been looking for another job. To try to back off soo much and do some of the caretaking of myself. I appreciate the points about the alcoholic, metwo2. Good to remember the struggle he is in and not have unrealistic expectations. And good to remember that I have choices, for myself. I'm not sure why those choices are so scary. I am a strong woman. I have so much strength in many aspects of my intellectual life. But my emotional one is in the toilet, which is now affecting my intellectual one. That's why I am here. To get me back, completely.
Great shares and great recovery work already. (((Ryanhearted or lionhearted??))) Lions protect themselves and their cubs ferociously...watch out hubbie
When you visit the step page here you can go back a few pages and you will find step 1, you dont need to wait 2 months, well thats how I use the steps forum, you sound like you have a recovery plan and thats great, you will start to feel better and stronger, maybe you should consider the suggestion that you should wait 6 months or so until making big life changing decisions, you may not feel strong enough to stick to your boundaries yet but you will if you work this program.x
When you visit the step page here you can go back a few pages and you will find step 1, you dont need to wait 2 months, well thats how I use the steps forum, you sound like you have a recovery plan and thats great, you will start to feel better and stronger, maybe you should consider the suggestion that you should wait 6 months or so until making big life changing decisions, you may not feel strong enough to stick to your boundaries yet but you will if you work this program.x
why wait for the steps to go around again??? I think all of them are here, and can be read and posted to....I would start right away, those steps are the backbone of the recovering process.....of course the meetings are essential..one line if i can't go fac2fac and also putting the slogans into practice.....the whole thing....I would start now....you are doing great , so far, which tells me when you tear into those steps, you are gonna do much better, feel better, healthier, happier.......online sponsor is fine until you can find one face2fac
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Thank you, I am starting my work on the steps. This whole process has been so hard, and I am so grateful to the support here. It's amazing how uplifted I can get from people I have never met. you all understand. Thank goodness!!
