The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Thank you for taking the time to read my post. I am in a difficult situation, because a few months ago I ended my relationship with an ex-boyfriend who is in inpatient treatment recovering from a heroin addiction. Under normal circumstances, a breakup would be much easier to handle but when you're dealing with a recovering addict who was in their disease most of your relationship there is a mess to clean up! Mine forged checks and stole money from me, but because he was planning on leaving to go to treatment I decided not to press charges against him. I was promised by his parents that I would get my money back. Mind you, I am a 28-year-old college educated female who takes cares of her own financial obligations. I am an extremely hard worker and there was a period while we were together that I was unemployed but still cleaning up his messes (my mistake, I am not asking to be paid back from that).
In September I stated therapy to work on myself and my healing process, and my therapist brought to my attention that I need to cut all ties with my ex as it wasn't beneficial to have him in my life. When I would bring up the money topic he would become hostile and angry and call me names, like crazy, delusional, etc and tell me that I needed help. Mind you, this is the pot calling the kettle black! I knew he didn't have the money at the time, but I was looking for a strategy/plan to let him know I was A) expecting him to pay me back B) I was moving on.
After I was belittled and disrespected, I reached out to his Mom whom I was close to when things began to unravel (I was too embarrassed and ashamed to talk to my own parents) as she and her husband are actively involved in Al-Anon, too. I asked her if she and her husband would be willing to pay the $850 that their son owed me and they could work out a payment plan with him, because even though they wanted us to work out the problem, he is disrespectful and I have to cut ties with him. She told me that it wasn't her mess to clean up and that she wasn't the one who stole from me and her and her husband are done paying their son's debts. She apologized for him having such a negative attitude towards me, and said they would talk to him when he was home over Thanksgiving about working out a payment plan but in the end it was his decision to pay me back.
As you can imagine, I was so hurt by her words. How does he have a choice in the matter? If he is truly working the 12 Steps and in recovery, then isn't he going to make amends to the people he has hurt and the pain he has caused? How is up to someone to pay them back? If you rob a bank, you don't have a choice to pay the bank bank: you pay them back! Right? His Mom told me that my words were adding salt to her wounds because I was telling her what a horrible person her son was, and that he wants to get better and he's trying.
I never once said in our correspondence how I felt towards him. I just said I wanted them to please help me get my money back, that I was stolen from, I need that money because I support myself, and my therapist recommends no contact moving forward. After Thanksgiving I never heard from his family with a plan of action.
The other day I wrote him an email and attached the forged checks to it. Now that he is working I asked him to pay me back increments of small amounts each month, and if I don't receive payments I will alert my bank about check fraud. A few days later he responded with a text telling me he was going to file a restraining order against me, to never contact him again, because I am absolutely nuts and I have been stalking girls he has been talking to 2,000 miles away via social media. Mind you, someone he was LinkedIn into popped up on my LinkedIn page, and viewed that person's profile who happened to be a girl and happened to be connected to him.
I've tried to explain to him that I am not interested and he can date see whomever he wants, I just want what is rightfully mine but he continues to fight me on it: calling me names. I told him that I am sorry he felt that way towards me and tried to bring him back to the present (the problem) and let him know it was OK if he didn't have all the money at once, but I would like to see some call to action. The thing is, the breakup was mutual and we agreed the best decision was to go our separate ways. So, I don't understand why there is so much anger on his part... and why he has to be so cruel instead of looking at the bigger picture and realizing how much of an impact I had on him.
My question is for you, am I being unreasonable on all accounts and should I just let the money go?
Hi, why don't you take him to a small claims court? especially as you have all the evidence. As for his parents, I agree with them, it is not their responsibility to pay back any money, they are right, they did not steal from you, he did. A grown man. If you want him to be responsible for his own actions then make him be, leave his parents alone, going from my own experience they will have suffered much more loss than you through their son.
Dont wait on amends, the chances are they will never come.x
Welcome to MIP! If you are not actively involved with Al-Anon and going to meetings, I hope you will choose to...even breaking off the relationship with him won't solve all of your problems...you are doubting yourself right now and that's what the disease of addiction does to us! You are NOT alone! I am glad that you are reaching out!
Great to know your folks are Al-Anon members:) This debt he owes you is not his families responsibility...it would be nice if they were willing but it is his responsibility..
I'm not sure how or if you will be able to collect this debt unless you have concrete proof via contracts and such that would hold up in court...if he gets clean and stays clean & sober, has a sponsor and works the 12 steps, he may choose in the future to make financial amends to you but just for today...I'm not sure it sounds to promising...you sound like a very bright young lady but the disease of alcoholism & drug addiction is not prejudice, we have all been there...
So possibly and expensive lesson unless you can prove your case legally in court...
Hugs & prayers to you!! Thank you for sharing with us!
I have been in your situation. In my case, his behavior was criminal. He got off any criminal consequences, but I assume he found the money to pay the attorney. After trying to be repaid, I finally came to realize I got out easy. I got to cut all ties.
I ended up considering the amount he stole from me as tuition. I am still satisfied with my decision.
This was just my experience. I could no longer afford to fuss about being repaid, despite my meager finances. Waiting for repayment kept me from being free of him.
A big part of my growth during this was to finally internalize life is not fair; sometimes I benefit from the unfairness (I have always had "enough"), and sometimes I pay (for others' misbehavior).
Sorry to hear of your distress over this issue with your addict. I agree with his parents and your therapist. His behavior may or may not be theft in legal terms but I seriously doubt you could recover the funds and it would only keep you "linked in" to the addicts life, recovery, and family. If we want to be free of the addict's behavior/disease, then we have to work on our own disease behaviors. You have made a great decision in seeking help. Alanon is not "therapy" but it can sure teach us about this disease and how our own behavior can contribute to its power over our lives. His parents are showing you a perfect example of how the Alanon program works by detaching from their son's decisions and how he chooses to work his program.
Fortunately, we are only responsible for keeping our side of the street clean. Sometimes if we're only watching what others are doing over 'there', we fall into a hole right in front of us. Hope you keep sharing here and find f2f meetings you can attend where you live. Alanon is a parachute that only saves us if we open it.
I know his parents are not responsible for his actions but at times I feel like his mom was clinging onto me as if I was going to save him in the end, by providing me with unnecessary updates about his recovery. I know recovery is "one day at a time" but he's been in a rehab/halfway house for almost a year now and my intuition tells me he may be trying to change, but he's just not there.
The most challenging part of addiction, is not being able to get THROUGH to the addict. No matter how many letters, calls, texts, etc you write to plead with them to get help, to ask for more support, to work their program, to pray they'll have a spiritual awakening, it's out of our hands.
I am so interested to know if and how many people actually recover from this disease? How do you know if an addict is actually changing? I've never actually witnessed any success stories in my time in Al-Anon.
May peace be with you! Hugs to all of you. Happy New Year.
Thanks, Cathyinaz! You're very right. I have to cut off all ties for good, like I had been doing and just let it go... I am not going to accomplish what I want from the situation. All I can do is send light and love his way and hope he has a spiritual awakening. He's been in treatment for almost a year, and if they can't help him come to his senses, then what the hell can I or anyone else do?
-- Edited by msjuliet on Friday 3rd of January 2014 04:06:46 PM
MsJuliet, Yes $850. is a nice chunk of money....but think about it....how long will it take you to get that back, months
-Finding an attorney
-Spending time talking to that attorney
-Attorney fees
-Getting papers signed
-Making appts with the bank
-Travel time
-Waiting time
-Seeing him again
-Angry texts, phone calls from him and his parents
-Dirty looks, name calling, degrading comments from him
-Feelings of anger, anticipation on your part
-Taking time off work or class
My best ESH is make a clean break now and thank God the money isn't in a vehicle or a mortgage that you have to pay back. His parents are nice people I'm sure, but blood runs thicker than water. You're only 28 and sound like you have a future and a good head on your shoulders, when you get the degrees you are working toward you will make $850. in less than a week. Please don't believe anything your x boyfriend says he is temporarily insane right now from this disease. ...in support....og
__________________
Don't Worry About Growing Old, It Is A Privilege For Some Of Us.....
Unreasonable??? To want your money back???? I know here, it is a crime to rip off another's identity and he did commit identity theft on you by forging your checks.....
I would DO it and let the chips fall where they may...He STOLE from you...He needs to learn a hard lesson.....
I would pursue this ......And if the bank does not satisfy you, I would consider moving my accounts to another bank and go to small claims court like el-cee said....
I think the bank HAS to refund you becuz they should have "run the signature" on the check to see if it was good..A lot of them don't, so people get ripped off...AND if the bank can, THEY will pursue the money they had to give back to you...Depends on what amounts they want to exert the energy on...Credit card companies get hit all the time with this so they are very aggressive now about going after frauds..
That is a crime what he did....He should NOT get away with it...Forget about amends...This guy is a total loser who will someday rip off the wrong person and get shot for it...It happens all the time...Here in TX, not long ago, a guy did that to a roommate of his and the victim killed him....Bad karma to steal from a friend...
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Small claims court is very inexpensive. Also, who you are taking to small claim's court can pay for your filing fee. I helped my mother in law take a tenant to small claims court and it was not a big deal. Just have your ducks in a row and do it. I think the 850.00 is important, but it is also the principle of the whole stealing situation. Good luck and keep us posted.
Hello. Welcome to MIP. The money represents a connection between the two of you to my way of thinking. If your therapist has counseled you to break all ties with this person and you trust your therapist, is it in your best interest to pursue what seems to be a lot of money but in the end is a lot of emotional, mental, and physical energy expended and a tie still in place between you and the disease that robbed you. You have taken an action that is self-honoring. You let him know you want him to repay the money he stole. The rest can be left up to him and a HP. Pursuing something who is threatening you with a restraining order is a big red flag that I think I'd honor. I wouldn't see that $850 worth the pursuit or the heartaches and headaches I could gain in the pursuit. I'd take the action of saying what I wanted to see happen. Then, I'd let go of what I wanted. I'd let God do what God will do with the injustice. I'd trust the outcome. I'd get on with my life.
You've received some great responses. You're not alone.
It is not unreasonable to want the money. You are not dealing with someone who acts rationally and will not think the same as you do. Addiction is a disease and irrationality and anger are a large parts of it- his self-loathing projects in his cruelty to you. But focusing deeply on the "whys" isn't as helpful in gaining understanding of a solution as the question of "what for"?
You have choices and can decide if pursuing the money in small claims court is worth your energy, emotions, and efforts... versus weighing what you loose and gain by walking away. Sometimes writing a pro-con list helps me make decisions.
It would be normal to feel enraged by injustice, being vulnerable, taken advantage of ... Alanon can give the skills and support to help process this anger so that you can move on and enjoy life.
It is always bruising when someone steals from us, especially if it is someone that we trusted. I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this ((((hugs))))).
I find it helpful in situations like this to pretend that I am writing a letter to a friend who has come to ask my advice. And her situation is exactly the same as mine. What advice would I give her? I guess it allows me to be a bit more objective.
In a perfect world amends would be made and what has been stolen would be returned. That does not mean that it will happen though and there have been many times when I've wasted a day or lots of mental energy stewing about someone who has stolen sometime that I thought was mine. It feels great when I finally let it go!
