The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today I fly back to the northeast with my daughter. My AW has been there since 01/01. Being apart from her felt good. I felt stronger I did not miss her. I did not long for her to see how much I loved her and how the last 11 years are in ruin because of her behavior the last three months. I started to feel detached. More disgusted by her actions then hurt by them.
It's been five days since I started MIP and positing and online meetings. 90 meets in 90 days. I just keep saying that hoping it will work. This morning was my 6th meeting. But I'm feeling anxious again. I'm feeling the self blame creeping back. The what ifs. The mourning for the lost decade and the child who is left in the vacuum of this break. I know we will never be the same. I know her actions shattered our trust. And yet the sadness that swallowed me a few days ago seems to stand just out of the corner of my eye. It looms as a reminder of my denial, anger, loneliness,codependency and heartbreak.
I called her this morning because I wanted to hear her voice. I know I shouldn't. I know she doesn't miss mine.
I will board a plane in a few hours. I will not want to come home to an apartment full of wedding photos that no longer mean anything. I stopped wearing my wedding rings. They feel like a joke. A joke on me. The promise we made is over. I know that we only have a future now and we only have it because we have a toddler who will have no choice that we are her past. She spent every last cent of our decade of emotional capital these past two months. Now each day with AW feels like a deposit or a withdrawal and there is no overdraft protection.
So I pray to HP to help me stay detached. To help me sleep. To help me work. To help me not react. To help me be a solid parent to a little girl who just seems more and more confused by the sadness in my face.
Aloha Trying...Have to respond before heading off to work to maybe give you some hope. Our stories are very much he same and the similarities are addiction...drugs and alcohol. I've lived your story and at one time thought my life was impossible because of it and yet was mysteriously also led to Al-Anon where I learned sooo much that not only helped me but also helped the relationship when my attitude and behaviors changed. First was learning and coming to understand that alcoholism is a true disease and that my wife at that time was a sick person and not a bitch, the title I gave her because I was judging her behavior and owning it...thinking she was doing it just to hurt ME. Of course she wasn't...she was owned by her alcoholic drinking and drug addiction even before she and I had met. I had a lot of learning to do and a lot of changing because of the new lessons. I was living in the dark about alcoholism and how absolutely powerful it was at tearing life (lives) up. The next lesson I learned and practice so very often was 1. We admitted we were powerless and that our Lives had become unmanagable. I saw this step in high contrast especially the powerlessness part. My original conception of it was trite and not real. The next thing I accepted was a very new emotional perception of my alcoholic/addict, lying, cheating, stealing wife and that was compassion...hard to believe because I felt fully justified in my poor me...bad she attitudes.
Good you came here and found us and better still that you are motivated by what you have already learned to self focus and change what needs to be changed within yourself instead of what you think and feel needs to be changed in her. Your detachment (not abandonment) from the disease and its spouse victim is going to work wonders and miracles for you and maybe for her also. Allow your daugther to watch the good stuff...she will learn also. Keep coming back...have a safe trip. Check in with us later. ((((hugs))))
If you keep on this journey, very soon this will all be a distant memory, your wee girl will have one healthy parent who is happy, confident, aware of the truth and growing all the time, growing. I would suggest, get to a face to face meeting soon, get your wonderful welcome pack, this will be your best friend for the next wee while, eventually you will want to get yourself the daily readers, these help you focus on one part of your recovery every day of the year, you may want to work the steps and get a sponsor eventually, but this takes a bit of time. Keep going with it. You will get better.x
Ty Jerry and El C. My first f2f is Saturday night. I look forward to it. I know I'm in recovery and will be for the rest of my life. But the process is better than the emptiness it replaced.
In time, as you work your program, you will have a knowing that there really is another force, energy, God, whatever name you know your HP by "has it covered". All that is happening is divinely orchestrated and when you are able to slowly create the voids that are now filled with anger, resentment, despair, sadness, hopelessness, grief, etc, there is more space for love, compassion, forgiveness, joy, etc. We cannot will any of this to occur and one never knows when it will occur, yet, somehow by working these steps that I call the 12 Graces of God, it does occur. Isn't it wonderful to be hopeful again? You will be blessed with grace and you will gift that grace to others in your way when you are ready. In the meantime, we are here to support you.
I can't add to these beautiful shares you got on your post, so will just encourage you to keep up the great work......"this too shall pass" (the pain, fear, ) and you WILL get better and stronger.....
You can only help you and I see that you are realizing that....that is a good thing....your daughter will see this too and she will hve you as a good example to follow ...
glad you are going to another meeting...the more, the better, especially in the early months of recovery......let the AW who so far is not wanting recovery fend for herself......you have you and that lovely girl to take care of.....
I am very impressed at how you latched onto the program....2014 will bring you good things b/c you are putting out good energy via the program......
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Thank you Neshema. Waiting to board my plane and my daughter asks for AW. So I call. Voicemail. Calls back 1 hour later. Says what's up. I say she was asking for you so I called. She says oh. she's busy can't chat. I say how's is our apartment is it cold. She Says she's out I can hear the music. I know she's at a bar. I hurry off the phone. I latch onto the 3 C's and then I just wonder when I can say move out I should not have to put up with infidelity and your drinking. I sit and stew. I'm trying to be patient with myself. I am struggling today.
Please keep coming back and posting, trying hard. You will be okay, I believe it from what I've read and seen. I'm in deep pain right now and I know you are too. But the responses from these wonderful people are true. Thank you for posting, as I needed them also. I hope that I can gain some strength from you this year, as you gain it too, if that makes sense. Hang in there. Enjoy your daughter. Take good care of you.
Hang in there Trying hard. I found that at the beginning of my recovery process it was hard to let go of the negative thoughts or the things that were keeping me down, even though i knew they did me harm. It was almost a compulsion, like autopilot..like driving the same route for years and years. For me it took a while to PRACTICE making a different turn, it felt funny at first, and then as I began to see the view was much better I continued on a better path. Now, every once in a while for some silly reason I may revisit that old route, but I remind myself that there must be something there that I need to say goodbye to. And I don't beat myself up over it, I take it (my emotions) as they come and try to work through them in a healthier way. I had a LOT of ups and downs (well mostly downs) in my first few months of recovery (alanon).
I am so very glad that Jerry F brought up the first step:
Part I We are powerless over alcohol.
For me that powerlessness covers all areas of my life. I am powerless over my past, powerless over the losses, powerless over the fact that my dishwasher broke. powerless over the fact that my AH has a problem and isn't "perfect". For me coming to terms with this first step has allowed me to revisit my life and to GRIEVE my losses. I have losses in my life due to my AH as well as to my own denials etc. This program has given me the opportunity to come to grips with those losses, to fully grieve [accept] those losses and them let them go. Otherwise they remain resentments.
Part II
Our life has become unmanageable.
I realize that when I deny the first part of the step and start trying to take back that control, to try to influence the things that happen around me, or even influence or talk my self out of being mad about something from the past, that my life becomes unmanageable. I find that I waste a lot of time and energy on things that I can't change (I am powerless over)...which disrupts that peace that have found through letting things go. For me letting things go is coming to peace with the past (through grief or acceptance or what have you). Or letting things go in the present is reminding myself that I have no control over the outcome and I need to stop influencing what could happen. (thank you to
Morning Glory for her No Fishing allowed post)
I try to remind myself that we each have our owns Higher power, who looks out for us and teaches us our own lessons. For example. My husband meet up with some drastically potentially dangerous people, and he has been texting them. Perhaps he will go out there today. My very first thought is to do everything in my power to stop him! Duh! but you know what, maybe his higher power is trying to teach him something. Maybe my higher power has taught me enough that if something does happen to him, that I will have the strength to move on. Maybe I can chose to set my boundaries. If he continues to drink or continues to hang out with hoodlums, I will leave him. Me setting boundaries about what I will accept or won't accept is really my only choice. AS FRUSTRATING AS IT IS! grr. but If I let myself get into thinking and planning and plotting..My day is ruined! I sort of relaxed right now (maybe a little anxiety)..I have cinnamon rolls proofing in the oven. If he wants to leave, then that's all there is to it. He has his own higher power. and My higher power has brought me to you all and is reminding me to stay on my side of the street.
I believe that every person on earth could live a healthier life by using the tools of this program, and now you will be able to give the very best gift you could ever give to your daughter - recovery! Your own recovery as well as being able to teach her the tools to live a happy, healthy, peaceful life.
Many blessings, stick with it...it will work itself out,
