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Had a 2 day "honeymoon" as ABF "quit" drinking on New years Day and was charming, sweet and delightful for the duration of his sobriety. I know better than to believe it is anything more than a blip, but it's hard not to enjoy the relaxed, friendly atmosphere when it makes an appearance. Then of course, the "panic drinking" (I haven't REALLY quit, here, I'll show you) kicked in and I thought- oh well, whatever. Not my problem; I was (I thought) in a good mood and feeling quite optimistic about myself, the things I need to sort out for myself, my daughter's return next week and the fabulous activities we have planned for the rest of her summer holidays, everything, basically. I couldn't have felt calmer or more positive.
And then ABF walked in the door, still cheerful, and asked me if I would like to hang out this evening and play a game with him. Yes, I would like to. Then he went to the fridge, tried to pull something out and smashed eggs all over the floor and suddenly was telling me in that nasty bully voice that it's my fault for not packing the fridge properly and I can clean it up since it's my own fault and screw me, he's gong to bed.....
And a few moments later, he's lying on his bed and I'm standing in his doorway raging at him....calling him nasty names, so angry that I can't even get the words out properly, while he lies there and says "can you leave me in peace, you psycho?" and suddenly I'm shaky and angry, need a cigarette (I've been smoking only on the occasion that I have an alcoholic drink for 2 months now; haven't yet broken that one small trigger but aside from those few occasions I've been completely smoke free and really pleased with myself) and suddenly I've ripped off my nicotine patch and I'm chain-smoking and miserable and replaying it all in my head over and over....what on EARTH is in me to make me react like this? I was so nasty and so insulting (not that his behaviour deserved a pleasant response but why did I let it poison me like that?) I haven't been angry like that for a really long time; it shocked me and really is making me feel a bit sick. Talk about an over-reaction.
I guess, I let myself enjoy his "sobriety" and good company and the rage came from feeling hurt when it ended.....still reacting to his moods.....oops. Next comes guilt and shame for losing the plot and acting like a crazy woman? No thanks. I think I'd like not to do that. No point throwing the baby out with the bathwater.
So, I've 3 days ahead of quiet before daughter comes home and I think I need to get back on program and let that be my focus. I'd go to a meeting right now, if there was one. But there isn't, not for almost a week in my area. I'm up to around the start of step 5, I believe, although technically I sort of did that at the beginning. Sponsor-wise I did the first 5 or so steps with a male AA friend who had a very decent understanding of the alanon process and was happy to guide me as far as he could, (I think he did a genius job) but we reached a point where it was obvious I needed to work with someone, preferably female, who had been through similar circumstances. And there's someone here who agreed I could write down my step 5 and send it to them for lack of a face to face option but I haven't, yet. I bared my soul and every nasty sad ridiculous thing I have done throughout my codependant history way back at the beginning. Do I need to do it again? Sigh. Of course it would be easier if I could go to heaps of meetings and work with a face to face alanon sponser but I don't have that option, only what I can patch together from online sources and the tiny local once a week meeting that hasn't been on for weeks now.
Basically my program work so far has been intense step 1-4 followed by a couple of months of 'ooh isn't this lovely, life is so much better, la-di-da".
So I'll pick up where I left off, I guess. Program-related suggestions for exercises etc from alanon veterans very welcome here. I know, at home and alone isn't a good way to work the program but it is what it is right now, and if I have 3 empty days ahead of me, I'd like to spend them working at this instead of mindlessly distracting myself. So, anyone who wants to jump in with some guidance would be very much appreciated. I'm a long way off track and not even sure where I should be up to. I do know I feel calm and optimistic again just having written this and deciding to focus on my own wellness for the weekend.
-- Edited by Melly1248 on Friday 3rd of January 2014 06:34:14 AM
Dont be too hard on yourself, his behaviour is obnoxious and childish and so you reacted, bet it felt a wee bit good. I remember, during my anger stage, I bumped into my ex who was on his bike, well we spoke and after a couple of minutes out spilled my anger and I started giving it too him, well he just cycled away and I had to stop myself chasing after him to push him off that bike.lol. when I think of it now I just laugh but I think when we begin to recover, there are barriers coming down, feelings and emotions that have been suppressed for so long come to the surface. It passes. Youf program work sounds good to me, your recovery sounds good to me. You are doing great.x
I'm sorry you've had a bad experience but am thrilled to read that you are ditching the guilt trip - what a great lesson that is.
I find it especially frustrating when my heart is warming to AH and all seems well and then, out of the blue, I discover that our old patterns have not gone away. Its a bit like having the rug pulled from under me and I can completely relate to your reaction. Like you've described here I've often jumped in and underscored my boundaries rather too vehemently! At times like that I wish I could remember that I'm a fully formed powerful woman - I have an image of myself foolishly using a 'rat a tat tat' weapon with lots of sound effects instead of the mighty, single word cannonball with 'no' written on it. It happens so often darn it!!
Thank you for the reminder that this is an on-going process for all of us and I love the fact that you've already unpacked your beautiful optimism.
Hope you are going to be gentle with yourself and luxuriate in your wellness. Take care - you are sooooo worth it!
First off, Melly, I understand the rage. Working our program helps us get at the source of it and deal with it and that takes time. Until we get at it and heal it, the rage often just goes into a dormant stage like a sleeping bear when - if poked - it awakens and roars. Until then, I think its purpose is to protect us until we learn other ways to safeguard ourselves? That's just a theory. I'm not a behaviorist or a therapist. I'm just an ordinary woman who was also abused and abused and abused and allowed it until I didn't anymore. For women, smoking works as a sedative mostly, so you didn't have something to soothe the bear and acted out. Again - ordinary woman - sharing what I've experienced and what I've learned from experience. My truth may not be true for you. Sometimes, the best we can do is help the bear in us stay in its cave without killing it. Sometimes, we need that bear to protect us - we just don't have to let it destroy us or another person. In order to help train it not to kill, we must first know it (the bear) is there and get to know its purpose, what wakes it up, what we need to do to be it's Alpha - if bears have an Alpha? To me, a roaring bear is less dangerous than a jellyfish that looks very, very benign and is actually poisonous. A roaring bear is saying "Watch out. Back up. Stay away. Hide. Don't come closer." Can't miss its message. It is important to be the Alpha leader though. As we know, roaring bears are also dangerous, but at least they give fair warning. We just don't want to let them do what bears can do. Your smoking - to me - is to soothe that bear and put it to sleep again. Your bf did exactly what he should do. He withdrew. His disease won't listen to whispers but it sure paid attention to the roar of your bear. Share your 5th step, Melly. Then you can go on to the 6th. (((M)))
el-cee you are so right; all of my emotions have been squished inside for so long and all I expressed for years was "I'm sorry" and "why are you so mean to me". Anger was all taken out on myself, quietly and away from everyone. I can express it now, but haven't quite learned to adjust the volume control on it yet. And lol @ you wanting to chase him on his bike and push him off it. I can just see it.
milkwood, that's exactly what it was...."boundaries" are so new and precious to me...something I never thought I would be able to have or defend and now that I have them, I really am defending them like they are my children...yes, in full riot gear with a 'rat-a-tat-tat'-weapon, a bag full of grenades, and a bazooka...."Don't you DARE blame me for your own mistakes"...
Laughing now. Equilibrium will take a lot more time and work to achieve. But hey, my inappropriate rage feels better than the days when I would have been apologising, and cleaning up the eggs (I'm not, the dog will get to it eventually and then I can mop in the morning, HA!) and then asking him why his good mood has gone away and why oh why does he not love me any more? I would, in retrospect, have spent the entire weekend being sad and trying to "make peace" with him....and that would have felt a lot more icky than this!!
I have just a few minutes to respond, so it will be brief. I wanted to give you encouragement to keep going with your program work in whatever way you can until you face to face mtgs start up again. The step board is available, too. I have had so many relapses over the years, I can laugh, too. What grateful described is true for me...I had so much rage that it had to come out (thank God there were no fatalities), but in time it was less and less. Progress not perfection.
One more thought - plopping a cigarette in our mouth also keeps us from saying what we mean, meaning what we say and not saying it mean. I noticed when I quit smoking (a smokescreen for my anger) - I had a real hard time "keeping the words" in my mouth. They'd come out whether I wanted them to escape or not. I'd learned to keep my mouth shut as a kid, a teen, a 20 year old, etc. It was very uncomfortable and scary to me to say what I meant, mean what I say and it took me awhile not to say it mean. Having no pacifier to self-soothe (and it was that for me), I was forced to deal with stuff - mainly my stuff when it came to setting boundaries.
I would have kindly said....NO I did not arrange the refrig wrong, you didn't watch what you were doing but I will gladly clean up you mess....then let it go.
I would never let go to the point of being bullied by anyone. I just wouldn't be mean when I said what I FEEL towards something NOT MY FAULT
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
This reminded me a lot of a scene I got into w my soon to be ex on Thanksgving night. Emotions were high--our first holiday since he moved out of the house; I was taking our kids to my family, he was going to see friends of his; I made two mistakes that night....answered the ph when he called and continued to engage w him as the conversational merry go round went into 20-40-60 minutes. I found myself attending the argument he invited me to and rolling up my sleeves to participate in it.
Anyway--what has helped me if I am unable to get to a meeting for some reason is: calling or writing my sponsor, reading and reflecting, journal writing and then some meditative (for me) stuff like running while I pray, or focus on a slogan for the day.
I wanted to add that I remember MANY times enjoying those 'blips' of no booze--we're only human, you get a taste of what you think life could be like and then the disease comes back with both arms up ready to go. I hope you can focus on yourself and your little one's return.
It is the Holiday season and many emotions get stirred up around this time. I had a very similar situation with the eggs and do so understand your anger and rage. I do believe after 2 days of no one moving to clean them up I gave in as usual.
The saddest part of all our anger and rage is that it "HURTS US" . That is want alanon is all about. We need to learn new ways of responding that do not hurt us and that a allow us to live with dignity, courage and wisdom. The pent up feelings of rage and disappointment are definitely part of living with this disease. That is what the 4 through 12 Step is all about
If you have written out our 5th Step please email it to the person who you feel comfortable with and know that is so doing you are beginning the process of setting you self free of all the negative debilitating l situations that have haunted you for so long. You are human and not alone.
Ah, dear.
he came out before and told me with many colourful words that I am to stay away from him, not talk to him or even LOOK at him because I have wounded him so very, very deeply....he was being nice to me and I've ruined it...I sense that he will be playing the angry hurt raging beast card for many days to come, and I will not even be allowed to speak in his presence...oh well. It's an opportunity to practice. I'm not going to get any better by "keeping things nice" and pretending it's all lovely now.
There, for a moment was that intense feeling of helplessness. I've messed up and now he hates me again....he was nice for 2 whole days and I ruined it, maybe he'll never trust me enough to be nice again....I'm such a monster....
Good grief.
Considering how many years I forced myself to believe that sort of absurd self-talk, it's any wonder I have rage!! Every time I have "sinned" somehow in the past and he has shut me out and turned nasty, it has lasted for days, even weeks and I have obsessed the entire time about how to "fix" things between us. Baking for him, gifts, "just the right words" while he rejected everything and snarled at me. It's both funny and sad. Was I consumed with fixing the "relationship" every time things went bad because I couldn't deal with my own feelings? Yes, I think that's just exactly right. I was hiding inside an unfixable relationship so that I didn't have to deal with ME.
OK, feelings. I'm ready for you this time. I'm listening, not running and hiding from you and pretending that the whole world hinges on making ABF be nice to me again. What do you want to say?
And thanks, all. I KNOW this works because what small part of the program I have done so far has made such a monumental difference to my life, my outlook, and my ability to relate to everyone around me. I have a long way to go but it's already soooo much better.
Thanks so much for the responses. You guys are magic
Great responses. Keep working your program. Be gentle with yourself. You are doing the best you can and I agree, there were some great responses here!! Keep coming back. (((hugs)))
Melly Feelings are not facts They are just feelings.
Share them, feel them , write about them out them in your 5 Step, and then ask HP to replace them with love for yourself and the wisdom to see yourself as your truly are.
Remember you are an intelligent, beautiful , kind, compassionate, woman who is witty and an excellent writer Your assets are many
I developed contempt and rage towards my ex A when the relationship was at it's end. I needed him out of my life. He was toxic for me. I wanted to be free from the insanity so bad, but fear kept me locked into it all the way up until contempt for him was so bad I was starting to hate him. I identify melly. I got there with my ex. It took so much work to accept his bull crap that I exploded on him. This post reminded me of one of the last blowout arguments we has in which I was screaming in public that he "f***ed up my whole life" and that it hated him. That is what resulted from working so hard to accept and keep him in my life. Someone had to tell me I was going to get police called on me for disturbing the peace because this was at night in a parking lot. It all started sinking in. I couldn't deal with that level of insanity or pretend I had any love left. I got scared for what my life would become if he stayed in it. I hate losing my temper that much. I can't afford it. Hence, working the serenity prayer, I can accept that someone is sick and not healthy for me and change what I can by playing with healthy people instead of sick ones.
Sounds like you have had a bit of a spiritual awakening, Im not sure, or an epiphany. Becoming aware of our reasons for being in a dysfunctional relationship is such a biggy. For me it was and like you it was all about focusing on one thing in order to never think about another, one good thing about your bf's madness, its leading you to become more and more aware, he truly is a helpful little man! Take what hes teaching you and keep going with it. x
(((Melly)))
I was just thinking about the hole I keep falling in. The idea that I have fallen into that hole so many times. Thinking I'm being cautious to walk around it. Then knowing its there although branches cover it but I still fall into it. At some point slipping because I got too close to it because I just had to look one more time. Until looking at the spot where I know the hole exists but choosing to turn around and walk the other way. Seeing the hole for what it is, a hole. Maybe after a while when I know I am strong enough I can grab a shovel and put dirt back into the hole bit by bit until it no longer exists.
Wishing you much strength and courage on your journey <3
I used to let my exAH play the role of my HP and when I finally lost it with him he would make me feel like I was a sinning not good enough person, crazy making, all of it! Don't beat yourself up, find a sponsor work on yourself, because you deserve the very best my friend! You are getting healthier and the layers of denial are coming off, it left me in a very angry place and I had to get my butt to counseling, al-anon meetings and to my sponsor a lot when I was in the heat of things. Sending you much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I like Mari's hole analogy. I stepped in that hole a number of times. My AW is a binger and can go for weeks without a drop. I get lulled into relaxing, then BAM - she's passed out on the couch. Then I would get yelled at in the morning for telling her that she had been drinking the night before. And I didn't work a program at all, so wow, that hole was incredibly frustrating, to put it mildly!
Now that she is in recovery, and her inpatient center showed me what a benefit Alanon would be, I'm trying to work on recovery that much harder, even though my natural tendency is to relax. Cause you never know when that hole's gonna open up again and BAM!
I just wanted to relate to what elcee said because one of the biggest shocks that I've had over the past few years was the realisation that I had been in a dysfunctional abusive relationship for at least ten years (AH and I have been together for 30 years and I suspect that actually we've always been a bit off balance). Me? How was that possible?! This girl who grew up reading Cosmopolitan and did so well in other areas of my life?!
This might not relate to your situation - but it did knock me for six when I first realised - and that was when I really started to learn to be gentle with myself
Hope you are all set for a good and restful weekend.
Melly I have been away for awhile and I see your husband is still up to his tricks.
You are a human being with human emotions, you would have to be Mother Teresa to have not reacted. You know intellectually that you are not the psycho, he is.
Keep getting stronger Melly, plan your strategy this man needs to be shaken up. When you are ready to kick this bully psycho to the curb, he will fall like a ton of bricks and cry like a baby as long as you keep putting up with it, he will continue. Sometimes a bad seed is just a bad seed.
Keep working toward a solution.
Hugs and happy new year
I have peeked at this board a couple of times in the last few weeks and I just went and signed up just so I could reply here. i could almost have written this post myself, except that my partner isnt drinking anymore (8 mths).
The high when it's good, the drop when it's not. The blame, the rage and the shame. His isolation and being called a psycho. I don't have any advice to offer, I just felt compelled to write...
Actually, he wants you to think "you ruined it",
thereby completely ignoring his role
as in the fact that he started drinking, (not to psychoanalyze, but it is curious that he started drinking when things were good....almost as if he is so full of self loathing, that he had to prove to you that he isnt worthy of your love)
and then his drinking resulted in his clumsiness so he knocked the eggs out onto the floor.
And, further, he completely disrespected you by telling you to clean them up, and left them on the floor......
Thanks so much everyone, and welcome Ren!
It hasn't been the easiest of weekends emotionally- it never is when daughter is away and I'm left with the cold hard reality of my less fulfilling relationships (with ABF and with myself). But I read, a lot, talked to some of you good people and received some amazing guidance. And I've stayed pretty positive and I feel pretty good!
ABF alternated between sulking and angrily telling me I had 'attacked him like a psycho when he was just trying to make himself some food after a hard days work"..and when I said that didn't happen he said "how would you know, you were drunk and I wasn't" and looked at me hopefully...he was hoping that if I'd had even one drink he could try to convince me my memory was defective...when I said "sorry buddy, I haven't had a drop since New years Eve, are you trying to gasllight me" and he shrugged and gave me a guilty smile...as in ooops, busted...wow, that's scary.
Why mention that? Because I knew, so surely that his version of events was completely wrong and designed to make me doubt myself and play his game. I'm so much more certain of my own mind now; for years I really wasn't and that's a gift I'm super-grateful for. I trust my own judgement, thinking, memory, and don't need validation from anyone else. That's a huge improvement, Yay!!!
(((everyone))) now I just need to get through the rest of Sunday. There's a large drunk gorilla loose in the house and a hurricane blowing outside; I don't know which is more appealing. Might go and take the dog for a long walk xxx
