From an outsiders perspective, like most of you, I am kind, loyal, strong-willed, skillful, hardworking, and empathetic, and yet very few people are aware I was in a relationship with a drug addict. My goal was always to enable the addict first by keeping his disease top secret from anyone who loved and cared about me. Why? If they only knew what the relationship was doing to me, how it was affecting me from the inside out, they would be heartbroken, devastated and more importantly judgmental. And without a doubt, I  believed if I was able to shield our relationship from scrutiny and negativity, he would recover and we would carry on into bliss (you know, a horrible Lifetime movie gone well for once!). But unless you find Al-Anon, or a support system that truly works for you, than nothing will make sense. See, addicts are much too smart, they are master manipulators and have the mindset of playing a con artist role, like Charles Ponzi.

 Loving an addict is a painful journey; more like a roller coaster with the occasional exciting twists and turns but mostly get me off this damn ride right now! feeling that overcomes you. In essence, you'll have good days and horrible days; those are the days that take everything you have, leave you with the feeling of emptiness to pick a bottle and drink, hopeless and desperate for answers. You may find yourself finding solace in smoking a pack of cigarettes (although you're a non-smoker), sitting on the church steps waiting to consult a priest, calling your sponsor, skipping town for a few days, and when you're faced with this disease there is no right or wrong answer.

I know when I was going through a transitional period while I was living with an addict in the core of his disease, while he was stealing from me, pawning my jewelry, stole my car keys and crashed my one-year old car during a snow storm, that if he didn't kill himself, I was going to kill him. The breaking point in his addiction (and believe me I don't think it was rock bottom) was after he stole and crashed my car, he agreed to go back to inpatient treatment. I finally had hope for him once again third times the charm, right? Months later, I received a call from his mom that he had been kicked out of heroin treatment for fraternizing with women in rehab and that his recovery team now thought he had a sex addiction. Again, a master at a manipulation Matt tried to tell me nothing was going on, he had broken the rules from texting her and they were just friends. He was admitted back into treatment, but the story doesn't end there. My gut instinct always told he was looking to be with other girls, I could just feel that he wasn't committed 1000% to recovery. 

Honestly, I was more upset at the situation than I was at him. I could accept if we weren't supposed to be together, but don't act like you're fully committed to leading a sober life when you cant even stay focused on one thing at a time. My choice was to break up with him in hopes he would get his life together. But, fast forward to Thanksgiving my friend found him on a dating website...

Were talking about a 31-year-old former heroin addict who lives in a sober living home in Tampa, just started a job, no car, no money, and is paying back his debts. This is someone who is not working the 12 Steps. This is someone who has not hit rock bottom. Yet, he has told me he is working the steps and taking recovery seriously.

What have I realized from my experience? Sobriety is a short term method before the addict returns to their addition. In order to fully recover, one must take accountability for their actions, change their addictive behaviors, work the steps, be humble, work on their personality traits, etc. I pray for Matt every single day and hope he will come to terms with the severity of his disease. But I have learned that I cant save him he isn't my responsibility and as much as I've tried this isn't my battle to overcome, its his. Mine is to work on my healing process, to inspire others who are going through similar circumstances to share their stories, and help you fully understand that you can come out on the other side, too.

And, don't get me wrong I believe addicts *CAN* change but we don't have the power to change them were not God. We have the power to let go, let God and at the end of the day if its really meant to be, it will be. 

-- Edited by msjuliet on Thursday 2nd of January 2014 06:37:56 PM