The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Once I learned how to set boundaries for myself one of them what that I wouldn't get dragged into the 'poor me' party my husband sometimes throws for himself. He's been in a mood lately, so when a co-worker called in and left him with a crap-ton of work today, he started texting me.
Him: So (co-worker) called in and I get to run the machine again. I hate my life, somebody kill me.
Me: Sorry you're having a crap day. Maybe you should start calling those graphics places you had a list of. I love you, and I know you want a more fulfilling job. You're the only one who can change your situation.
Him: Please kill me!!
Me: No. Again, I'm sorry today is crappy and I hate it for you. But you're the only one who can change it. You can either be angry and miserable all day, or you can decide to have a different attitude. You can stay where you are, or take action to find something else. In any case, you are the one in charge of your life and your happiness. I think you've made positive changes with hockey and taking meds and realizing that you need something. But if you want that something you have to get it yourself.
Him: Just please end my madness. (I did not respond)
And I just got 'Nobody gets it or me.' and then 'Whatever you don't understand.'
Yep. No one else has problems. No one else can possibly understand that you have problems making friends, or aren't happy with your job, or struggle with depression and anxiety and drinking. Nope. No one will every get it and you can just be big ol' Mr. Unhappy, forever and always a martyer and misunderstood.
Ahem. Stand by. Detatching.
It is so very difficult to not try and rush in to fix everything. I can't fix him. I am enabling if I try to help, and I will be breaking my own boundary. Also, I have my own issues to deal with, and I'm trying very hard to make my own happiness. That's actually what I dedicated this year towards. So I'm going to get back to work (which I actually enjoy), and let him continue to throw his tantrum and try to get something out of me, and try to figure out what I want for lunch.
Also, I was lucky enough to have a friend nearby to help me craft my first response. Support systems are awesome.
-- Edited by SpiderArcana on Thursday 2nd of January 2014 11:59:24 AM
This sounds like so many conversations I have with various people in my life. It's hard to sit back and say something benign like "Sorry you're having a crap day" (which is a great response!), and then let it go at that. So, so very hard to just let it go at that. I'm having a really hard time with this kind of stuff too.
I read a great quote recently but can't find it now, and can't remember who said it. It was something like "The older I get, the more I realize the only thing we can do for others is to love them" (or, we can't fix them).
I used to think nobody should have a bad attitude or a bad day and because of that belief I spent time trying to cheer people up who didn't ask me to cheer them up. I was simply a self-appointed rescuer who didn't really know how to let others be "where they were" for as long as they believed they needed to be there. "Bibbity, bobbity, boo" while waving my magic wand as "their fairy godmother" must have looked and felt and sounded pretty weird to the folks I flew in to "help."
If somebody asks me for my help in changing their attitudes or their circumstances in some way that is possible for me to do it without playing fairy godmother or expecting them to trust or to do or to receive what I offer, I'll offer it or do it. But, I'm much better now at saying "no" to believing its my job to change another person's attitude or day. It's work enough to work on my own attitude and stay in my day.
