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So, my family that came together for Christmas and my mother's funeral are gone back home now. Sad to see, this wasn't a 'family gathering. This was more or less a defect fest .. (No criticising .. what I judge in them either was in me or still is) ..
I saw my part, however .. my sister's are 13 years older than me .. wiser ? difference between wisdom and intelligence .. maturity is the ability to face what's real so who really knows .. what I see is .. i had an awareness that family was who did we play with in our childhoods .. my sisters and brothers were in my childhood; I wasn't in theirs .. difference of perspective .. I saw them as family because they were there .. the painful reality ? They don't see me as family in the same way they see eachother .. I wasn't there ..
I am so humbled this morning .. so glad that means willingness to learn .. I saw myself stand in my truth .. kindness, however, at all times .. <-- ingrained in me by my sponsor of over 8 years .. At the same time, i watched myself become invisible to certain members .. I saw them viewing their defects as assets as i've read so many times in paths to alanon .. I used to think my own defects were assets .. why wouldn't I .. they worked for me .. I saw myself, however, attempt to send texts to my sister (quite a few) .. Everything I was seeing and saying was full recovery and wise, my disease however was what was insiting I share my Every thought .. Ugh .. I'm Still feeling my own don't know if shame is the right word, but i'm definitely feeling My part .. I found myself trying to talk to her and going on and on the way I would have with my x addict of 13 years trying desperately to say something that would change his thinking .. I felt the same cold cut .. I felt and watched the untalked about by them outcasting .. searched myself over and over and am still in the processing of another 4th .. what i saw was the addict thinking .. My motive to send the texts was for healing, It served its purposed just not the one I had in my mind .. it didn't bring healing to us both, but I gained a little better understanding in to addict behaviors (the thinking piece of the disease) and I saw the part I played over and over for years ..
With all my recovery, I Still sometimes walk away wondering what in the heck is wrong with Me .. what is wrong is I am literally surrounded by addiction and still thinking I can change some situations .. <-- Thinking I can change Anything is My insanity .. funny how when i set out to change others, i do inevitably these days continue to change in me ..
I am just so hurting this morning .. who doesn't want a family ? I can't believe my eyes as I watch Some of the Exact same family behaviors come through in both the alcoholics family and my own .. The drugs were known in one family so the behavior was to be expected .. No drugs, alcohol in mine, the disease for years remained Hidden .. the behaviors ? the same .. the same distoring what others are saying, targeting, closed minds, criticism, silence as a weapon secrets isolation .. Unbelievable
I can't change a thing and can't seem to reach a place of final acceptance of what's real .. still growing myself .. painful processing .. I just need to share .. It's not just the grief of my mother this morning .. it's the death of an entire family in many ways .. I am so angry and realising suffering is optional .. I can get up on this end, walk away from my computer, saying nothing and stuff it .. Or .. I can try to bring it into the light of God and hope for some sort of wisdom through esh that helps to continue my healing proces .. thanks for letting me share ..
Hope others had a great Christmas and have a fresh new 2014 .. I'm working on it .. my christmas however was filled with the spirit regardless of what was going on .. for that .. i was Greatful !!
(((M))) You helped me through this same kind of process awhile ago by sharing what you saw at another family gathering that I think was your As family and not your own. If my experience is any help to you, the pain and the longing passed with program work and the benefit of MIP members. I no longer feel much if any pain in relationship to my siblings or the loss of what I thought was a close knit family. I'm also grateful to have been released from thinking there was anything wrong with me or that I needed to be "fixed" or my family members needed to "be fixed." I also was grateful to be freed from old mental constructs that were ingrained patterns in me learned in childhood. In some ways, the process was like surgery and its aftermath. We're in pain and need the surgery. We go to sleep and don't know what's happening for some time. We awaken in recovery where people are bustling around us that we don't really know. Then, we're miserable for awhile - even with pain meds - and we have to go easy for awhile as the incisions heal, our bodies restore themselves, and we learn how to live again without the old pain or nursing the site of the incision or having the benefit of what we once needed but can't have anymore because its gone. We can bless the past for what it taught us and the people from the past for how they helped us or blessed our lives and then we can move on to a whole new way of being.
Easy does it, M. Be kind and gentle and nurturing to yourself. Surgery is always a shock to the system. It takes awhile to recover and stand comfortably on our feet and joyfully in our lives again. Prayers for you and for your family, too.
"It's not just the grief of my mother this morning .. it's the death of an entire family in many ways .. I am so angry..."
Your share really hit home for me M in many ways. I too feel that I cant connect with my family in any real way that maters to me. I wanted what they had a bond of shared experience, wanted them to accept and love me, wanted a close family...but I finally had to recognize that I could never have what I wanted because a) I'm not a child anymore (that ship sailed a long time ago) and b) I lived in a different family than they did. My cousin nearest in age and I are much closer. We were at the scene of the crime after the evidence had been tagged and bagged. It makes me sad, hurt, and lots of times angry too. But I came to understand in recovery that I could create a new family that would love, accept, and console me in every situation whether it be joy or sorrow. Yes I yearn for someone to share my "everyday" with, to pick me up when my car's in the shop, take me to the ER when I try to cut off my hand in the kitchen, someone who checks to make sure I didn't fall today and am lying helpless on the floor. Someone to share good and bad, up and down, over and under...all the little pieces of day to day life...but only if I work to make it happen. Lately I haven't been able to do the work...I'm tired and sick and sometimes cant muster up the energy to take a shower much less make a meal. But...I know God put me here for a reason--a reason I will probably never know until it no longer matters. When I do my inventory at the end of the day my first question is "was I kind?" If I can say yes to most and resolve to do better with others, then I figure I'll probably get the family I want. Maybe not here but I'll never know unless I give everyone I meet kind attention and good intentions.
What's the worst that can happen? Either way I figure I'll be a winner. Even if its not the prize I dreamed of, its probably a whole lot better than I could imagine.
Thanks for your replies and support
.. it's so hard to look at reality some days. My siblings do share a bond of experience I can't be a part of. I wasn't there. It's one day at a time but wow the cut hurts.feeling alone tonight but know they can't heal me. As I was Sitting here earlier thinking I feel so alone in the dark, what i see is the reminder the dark valley isn't out there somewhere, it's in me. What Im realising is im approaching a deeper, darker level in me. Layers. Deep down i know this is just another trench in the valley. Heard a line that says don't put a question mark where god has put a period. I feel god closing all the doors because there is only one left. Him. My fear is thinking he is going to leave me here sitting alone in the dark in me. He never does. I'm building faith courage etc .. just takes time. Painful recovery sometimes. Recovery sure does change things .. thanks again to all
