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I've been a member of alanon for about 7 months. One thing i can't get relief from is my constant fear of my father's death. I worry about it often. I am terrified of the pain i will feel. I am 30 my A father is in his early 50's. Please help me :(
We who have lived with the disease of alcoholism need a program of recovery. We have developed negative coping tools to live by. Projecting into the future, fearing negative outcomes the inability to see positive outcome are some of the many ways we cause pain for ourselves.
I am glad you re attending alanon. Working the Steps. Meetings, Daily Readings. Living One Day at a Time, all work together to enable us to live. We learn how to live with courage, serenity and wisdom while knowing that acceptance of life on life's term is the only way to live.
Keep coming back You are not alone
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 2nd of January 2014 12:54:43 AM
I got the understanding of powerlessness when I was 6 and my father eventually passed away after a long alcohol exascerbated illness. Thank God much later on I find the doors of Al-Anon because other family members were also going terminal. This is a fatal disease and once I accepted that I started focusing on holding on to the good stuff and letting go of the fear and bad stuff. Gratitudes are perfect balances against remoreses and resentments and grief. The program mentors living in the now...one day, one hour and even one minute at times. Try talking about that in your home group. Home groups are family just as MIP is. ((((hugs))))
We who have lived with the disease of alcoholism need a program of recovery. We have developed negative coping tools to live by. Projecting into the future, fearing negative outcomes the inability to see positive outcome are some of the many ways we cause pain for ourselves.
I am glad you re attending alanon. Working the Steps. Meetings, Daily Readings. Living One Day at a Time, all work together to enable us to live. We learn how to live with courage, serenity and wisdom while knowing that acceptance of life on life's term is the only way to live.
Keep coming back You are not alone
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 2nd of January 2014 12:54:43 AM
Hi, i hope you "listen" to this post....i use my alanon tools to help me manage my fears of losing my brother who is my best friend...he is 60 this april and an active alcoholic...drinking himself w/no desire for recovery.....working my program as hotrod suggested keeps me from going beyond one day at a time.....he is alive today...he is (as far as i know--- haven't heard from him for N/Year) "ok"...I have the tel #s of his friends and they mine, so no news from them is good news......hang in there...this program will help you stay level...
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
My dad got sober the day he died. I spent years worrying about him... always checking to see if his car had made it home! I used to think this was a waste of my life... on reflection it was possible he picked up on this and it kept him going? Either way, it is a terrible way to live!
My dad got sober the day he died. I spent years worrying about him... always checking to see if his car had made it home! I used to think this was a waste of my life... on reflection it was possible he picked up on this and it kept him going? Either way, it is a terrible way to live!
(((David))) spot on....and yea, its a terrible way to live for the addict and the victims this darkness leaves in its wake...
I know i am "tough" on alkies who refuse help (AA) but i do feel empathy for any soul who has a death wish like that....example...my beloved brother.....he did not go to bed as a child and pray to his God to make him an alcoholic.....I do feel empathy for him, but i have strong boundaries in place so this disease does not impact me anymore than it does......there is no "total insulation" from it...as long as he is alive, I will be concerned and loving him but with DETACHMENT....it has to be that way...I have to take care of me
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I lost my mother when I was 33. It was painful but also comforting in a way, to know she was in a peaceful place out of her pain. She wasnt an a but she had coeliac disease that killed her. Your fears sound worse than the actual event was for me. This is part of the distorted thinking, deal with that and you will feel better. Death brings some relief with it, its not as scary as you imagine it to be.x
Of course it will be terrible when he dies. Know that you will grieve. But it may happen tomorrow or in 20 years. Dont waste your time grieving early.
take care of yourself.
Take care of yourself and the worry will not be as prevalent. I agree with what others have said, it will happen when it happens. You can't change that and you definitely can't control that. So let it go, keep coming back and know that we care about you and want to be here for you. (((Hugs)))
I used to try and "prepare myself" for possible deaths of my loved ones - most especially my Dad who has and had high blood pressure, ASHD, and Triglycerides so high off the chart they couldn't be counted or so my Mom told me and my son's death who'd been hit by and car and later presented himself with full blown alcoholism and drug addiction. My Dad is now 85 and my Mom - the person I never worried about dying early because her family often lives well into their 90s - died of cancer shortly before her 70th birthday. My son has lived through 1 major issue after another with and without me being there with him.
I learned there is no way I can prepare myself for anybody's death or prevent anything from happening to them in my mind. I also learned that the one I was preparing for an early death was me with all my worry and concern for possible events over which I had no control. Learning to enjoy the time I do have to spend with my loved ones when they're with me, refusing to give into my negative imagination by focusing on what is present to me rather than what might happen, and accepting that I will die and so will all the people I love has helped me relax more and enjoy myself more, too.
I have no power over the life and death of anyone. I do have a willingness to live my life as it is and to enjoy the people in it when I'm with them. I still slip into "vain imaginings" from time to time, thanks to program work and program people, not as often.
Glad you're in the program. It works if we work it. Please keep coming back here, too. Together we grow one day at a time towards healthier and happier ways of thinking and being.
I am 29 and my father is 56. He was all I had in my life after my mom estranged us and I have been preparing myself for his death since I was about 16. The way he treats himself, the heavy drinking, the chain-smoking, the fast-food, the isolation and loneliness, and the complete lack of will to change I think it's remarkable that he's made it this far.
One thing that has helped me was realizing that at the age of 29, I am old enough that I am independant now and don't necessarily 'need' him. He is also at age 56, a grown-man and doesn't need me holding his hand. This has allowed me to realize that when the time comes, it will be tough, but not as bad as it could have been. I have also come to terms with the fact that the circle of life will inevitably come around regardless. Some have lost their fathers earlier than I, some later.
I know it's hard to watch him kill himself slowly but it is a decision that is out of our hands.
I used to fear my dad dying from his poor habits: horrible diet, smoked 2 packs minimum a day, drank 6 drinks minimum daily(he considered this just social drinking and then would go home and drink 2 night caps). Well, he developed emphysema at age 54. Still kept smoking. I worried and I worried but once I moved across the country, the issues seemed smaller to me and I was able to get on with my life and stop thinking about how he was ruining his.
My father died 2 years ago at the age of 62. He had a slow growing spinal tumor that was wrapped around his spinal cord and when they took out the tumor, they couldn't get the core and the doctors paralyzed him(they knew this was a risk going in). He had so many problems with the recovery: he just wasn't a healthy person and his circulation was poor from the smoking. Honestly, it was the smoking more than anything that created terrible complications for him.
When the tumor started regrowing faster a few months before his death, it got to the point where he couldn't even hold a coffee cup, a phone, or his precious cigarettes. A kind friend of his would come over and actually light the cigarettes and hold them to my dad's mouth so that he could smoke. I am always sad about the way he died, but I tell you this to exemplify the point that it may not be the drinking that kills a person. We all know people who leave this world too early. My grandparents got hit by a car while walking home from church. No one was able to predict this, no one was able to stop it. It just happened. Unfortunately, as Jim said, it's out of our hands. We have no control over someone else's destiny and the best way to let it go is to remember that we have a responsibility to live our lives to fullest and for us to be in God's will as we take life one day at a time. Life is short and we waste time by worrying about something that we truly don't have control over. Hugs and support to you, I know how hard this is!
