The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This morning I find myself feeling like I am slipping into a dark, deep hole of hopelessness. I am trying hard to turn over my son to my HP. We have had several years of all of this pain and anxiety trying to deal with the beast of a disease. I feel like we are losing the battle and he is slipping away through the use of antidepressants and alcohol. He doesn't eat and is down to 120 lbs. at 5' 10" tall. He doesn't respond to texts or phone calls and lives an hour away. I don't know from minute to minute if he is still breathing. He has lost his will to live and I am struggling with watching him slowly kill himself. I constantly want to go and check on him, take him food, etc. But, that has never really helped.
I do have a sponsor, go to meetings and have been in the program for quite a while. But I feel like I am slipping into a depression that I can't manage. I made appointments with a doctor and a therapist for Friday. I'm also reading "Don't Let Your Kids Kill You" for the second time. I'm trying to do the right things, but I can't get this pain to stop.
Welcome, this is a good place with people in the same situation. Im glad you are working a program. I am sorry you feel like your son has given up on life, that must be very difficult. I think its all about us being powerless, powerless over everything including another human beings will to live. It sounds like you are doing a great job of letting go and not enabling. Can I ask, how do you know that he has given up? And does he go and buy his own alcohol? I mean that is evidence of having a will to live, it may be driven by getting a drink but its still not a complete giving up on life. Someone said to me where there is life there is hope. There is hope for your son.
I do wonder if his not replying to your calls and texts is a way to manipulate you, he must know that you are worried, maybe he is getting something out of this, a feeling of power or control or maybe he wants to avoid the guilt he feels when he speaks to you. Could you try not calling or texting for a while, leave him to his own life for a bit, and take the time to give your own life some tender loving care, do some nice soothing things for you. Meet up with friends, resolve not to talk ormthink about your son for a while, he is making his own choices and its up to him. Glad you found us here, I hope you keep coming back.x
I am so very sorry to read of your dreadful pain I so understand as My son also lost the will to live as I struggled to "save him".
I am glad that you are attending meetings, and have reached out. Knowing that I was powerless over this disease really helped me to accept that I could not save him but that I had the power to save myself and that was my job.
Please be gentle with yourself Keep sharing and praying You are not alone.
I'm so sorry oats. I know how hard it is to not go rescue him. I think I would make a call to a local AA center and tell them my situation and maybe someone from AA could visit him. Sometimes another alcoholic can get through to someone not wanting help.
You and your son will be in my prayers...there is always hope until there is no hope.
((( hugs )))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I do have a sponsor, go to meetings and have been in the program for quite a while. But I feel like I am slipping into a depression that I can't manage. I made appointments with a doctor and a therapist for Friday. I'm also reading "Don't Let Your Kids Kill You" for the second time. I'm trying to do the right things, but I can't get this pain to stop.
Any words of wisdom?
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(((Oats))) well i was going to mention last nights meeting wold have been just what the doc. ordered for ya, but it seems you are working your program.....I am glad you R reaching out for medical and mental health help.....may i suggest strong work on steps 1,2,3 in tandem w/the doctors????
there are times when extra help is what we need to do.....it sounds to me you are doing all you can to lovingly detach and take the best care of you....sooo sad....I hate this friggin disease and the darkness it causes.......may this pain for you end according to HP's divine and perfect way.....
so sorry ...sending you comfort prayers
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I am so very sorry to read of your dreadful pain I so understand as My son also lost the will to live as I struggled to "save him".
(((Betty)))) haven't experienced it w/my kids, but my other best friend brother lost his will to live in 2000, he passed on Mar. 15th 2000......I fought to save his life...found a doc at U of Mass hospital, one of the best...but he (brother) was ready to go...had given up....It was the hardest "letting go" lesson I ever faced...all the scrambling to save him and it just was not meant to be.....I guess, now, looking back after years of program, I wold not have him back in his state that he was....He is in a much better place where this darkness cannot touch him.....when i start feeling bad about it , I remind me of that.....the pain never completely goes away, but i learned to live with it and move on.....I will see him again one day.............so sorry about your son.....Can't imagine what it is like to lose a child.....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I have no words that will make the pain stop or the situation change for you, your son and your family. I do have understanding of how hard it is for any parent to want to save their child and not be able to do it. I will be praying for you and for your family - most especially you and your son. It is helpful to me to try to "stay in the day" and focus on what I can do to comfort and support myself as best I can. Please keep coming back. Trying to go through these things by ourselves is impossible. Having encouragemen and support as we do what we can to help ourselves stay sane and healthy makes this journey a little easier to bear.
I just want to thank everyone who took the time to respond to my post. Your comments and prayers are more helpful than you know. Please keep us in your prayers, as I will keep all of you in mine.
Aloha Oats...the word Powerless is such a "sucky" word for me and use to be worse and with more time in program and being humble and learning it became a blessing. In powerlessness I understand that everyone including myself has their own choices and experiences in "spite" of how I feel, see and believe. Even in the fellowship of our program powerlessness is apparent and it is usually within the practice of our traditions and the principles of our program that my fears and concerns lessen and my hopes and satisfactions rise and then still not everyone is in this program and recovering and that's the way it is...reality. So I wish and pray a "Higher Power" for you and your son and family...((((hugs))))
I understand your pain and frustration of watching them slowly self-destructing. It's very hard to bear. I am trying my best to keep busy and stay in the moment.
Oats, I'm in a similar situation and really struggling - outwardly, I look normal - but there's a storm within me - I'm finding that being successful at detachment or even making good progress towards it is one of the hardest things I've ever approached. My son is halfway across the country and it's now been a week and a half since I last heard anything from him - last thing I heard from him was that his life was crumbling around him - it is killing me not knowing what's going on, but he has asked for space and I'm trying to honor that request.
Here are a couple of things that have helped me - take what ya like and leave the rest, LOL, or leave it all:
* I try to be very careful to NOT let my imagination run wild into negative territory - I don't know what's going on with him, so why assume the worst? If I find myself assuming the worst, I immediately ask God for strength, and I embrace an old friend in times like these, exercise - in the form of bike riding, yard work, a long walk, or anything else to keep me busy and force my mind off of making up problems for my son - I find that a mindless TV show while I'm exercising helps distract me from worrying about my son, even if only temporarily.
* I have been working very hard lately on Step 7 - I believe that my problem of unwarranted fears about my son is really a serious shortcoming of mine - me wanting to control everything - and if I humbly ask God to remove that shortcoming, I should get to a better place - LOL, believe me, I've been asking - constantly.
* I am also working hard on Step 3 - my sponsor recently pointed out to me how important it is - Step 7, asking God to remove my shortcomings is easy enough - but for me, Step 3 is really a challenge - so, I'm reading more about Step 3 and finding a lot of insight about Step 3 in the Big Book. Truly, I have made SO many mistakes - if I turn things over to God, things can only get better.
Thanks Jerry, Rose and Texas Yankee for your posts. I am trying to keep doing what I normally do; follow my usual routine. I will spend some time this evening with Steps 3 & 7. I am keeping you in my prayers, too.
