Hi TH,

That hole just kept getting larger and larger for me. The denial kept ratcheting up, the drinking kept ratcheting up until it got out of control and AW got an OWI. And another one 6 months later. She had court ordered inpatient treatment then, and has been sober for 6 weeks and is strong in program. And I have actively been on Alanon and this board.

I always hated the morning after too. I learned not to argue with her when she was drunk, but after a while the denial when I would talk to her in the morning was just as bad. Not to mention that I didn't know how to talk to her anyway, and would nag and push until she just ignored me.

Since your AW is about to be gone, you could potentially find a meeting where you are. Getting some of this of your chest F2F would be a good thing. You sound like you have a lot of healing to do before you can even make a rational decision as to what you could put up with. I encourage you to get to a meeting!!

Hugs
Kenny

hey trying

this is gonna sound cold, but if AW keeps up her drinking and messing around, I think I would document this , take pics,  save the texts somehow,  gather evidence so if and when the S*** hits the fan and you DO walk, you could get custody of the child w/not much resistence from law as courts are showing equal favor now towards innocent dads...

if this were me? i could work hard on my program,  go to the meets...get a sponsor...work the steps....do all the program suggests and  quietely gather your info...take pics of her drunk adn disorderly, cell phones are great "evidence" tools.....don't tell any one in family bc you don't know who might betray you, but DO, maybe you could sneak over to a DV shelter and get some advice from them....guys can be victims too and it sounds like she is getting meaner and meaner and NO desire for reovery either....so , like I said, I wold begain gathering info that will help me in a custody case when I walk away from this nightmare who is causing harm to this child....this child will be in ACA in 20 years if this keeps up.....a nasty, abusive drunk is very very damaging to the young ones....they witness daddy being abused...so many times they marry into drinking and abuse.....that was my case.....i grew up watching my mom  (does't matter the sex of abused parent)  being beaten up verbally and physically by the beast and so I married into that darkness......now i am forever in ACA and alanon thanks to those two......him being abusive, and her drinking/raging becuz she KNEW she married evil and her way of coping was to "leave" us and go away on a drunk.....

IN SUPPORT

TryingHard

Keep coming back, keep going to those face to face meetings. I was lost and confused my sense of reality had been turned upside-down from living with this disease (in my AH) for so long. He had a great way of convincing me that everything was MY fault. That If I had done this or that or the other thing - HE would be better. Well that's just a plain ol' lie. There is nothing farther from the truth. We each have the capability of being in control of our own thoughts and actions. For example. A few weeks back, my husband got in my car (I drove..he was drunk) and had to clean up a couple of tissues on the seat (lol from me bawling about him) and he started hurling insults about how dirty my car is (which is not...other than the tissues). My first instinct was to believe him and think how worthless I am, my second thought was to defend myself and try to "show" or "explain" to him how clean the car really is and that he is wrong. My final winning action, was to do absolutely nothing. I thanked him for cleaning up, and zipped it. I internally reminded myself that he is drunk ...and that "drunk husband" is being rowdy and I just need to get him where he needs to go. That what he says is not TRUTH. Frankly I believe that he (and possibly other Alcoholics) use this method of attacking and blaming us as a way to distract us as well as themselves from the REAL problem.

I used to hate the mornings too. And I couldn't wait for the day to be over, often getting into bed at 6pm.

Perhaps its a matter of wanting what we can't have. I learned the meaning of the word "acceptance" at my first alanon meeting even thought I didn't fully understand what an important concept it would become in my life. To make a long story short. A fellow had complained that his wife (alcoholic wife) had wanted to remodel the front porch. SO..instead of hemming and hawing, instead of making her life miserable, the construction workers lives miserable, and most importantly HIS life - miserable, he decided to ACCEPT the fact that the porch was going to get remodeled. That didn't mean he approved, it didn't mean he liked it. But it WAS going to happen. So, the process went smoothly and at the end of the day he didn't waste a month of his life MAD/sad/angry about the porch and when it was done, he actually ended up ENJOYING the porch.

I remind myself that certain things are what they are. My husband is an alcoholic. He gets mean when he drinks liquor. He lol frankly annoyed the heck out of me this morning cause he wouldn't shut up. But I no longer "fight" it, I don't try to mush it and squish it into what I WANT. That is a lot of wasted energy right there. It just is and I try to make the best out of it. As a matter of fact, he just called ...I could tell he had been drinking a lot..he's been gone since about 7 hours...I know he won't be back any time soon. So I am going to make a cup of tea and post on alanon. Do something that I enjoy. Does that mean that I am not sad? Sure I am sad, sure I wish I had a relationship with my dear husband. Sure I wish we had dinner together every night. Can I do anything about it to make it so? No, can I change my attitude so that I am not stuck in a rut? Yes, I can. It took me a really long time to figure out how though. I was sad for a long time. I still have my moments or days even. I just give into it, I embrace the sadness, I let it all out in a share, I grieve. Then I feel better.

You don't have to fight this loving feeling you have towards her. My I just suggest that you find a way to reevaluate your expectations? If she had lost her memory or was in a coma, she would not respond to your affection.

Keep coming here, and going to F2F meetings. I found that over time my thinking got more clear.

It gets better (even if they don't)

TryingHard2013 wrote:

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Thank you Neshema. I appreciate the reply. I read somewhere that alanine encourages no major changes for 6 months after starting the program. So I am trying not to begin gathering evidence because that's what I was doing and it really pulled me into an emotional black hole. I was so focused on the evidence I lost my grip on me and started to bottom out. I feel like this group and the online meets are helping me slowly crawl out of that hole. I would never comprise the safety of our daughter and will do what is necessary to protect her. I don't want her to follow the cycle. I don't want her to grow up to be either of us. 90 meets in 90 days. I am giving this my all right now. It's helping me cope and I feel like any energy I send to gathering evidence will drain me. But thank you for the post I always feel stronger knowing someone out there is encouraging my recovery.

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 Hey Trying, I didn't word my post quite right....programme comes FIRST.....then, when you are stronger,  then you gather evidence, however in the meantime, I would try to monitor how much this kid is exposed to this becuz this IS doing damage...u mentioned that AW was short w/your daughter....that sure brings back memories to me....i was shattered at my mother's meanness to me...like i know she didn't want me but to have it in my face all the time???? it was awful....i know you will protect, i have no doubts.....PEACE.....

the only other thing i can suggest is while you are working program and you see something you must document, now, or it will disappear, sometimes you gotta do what ya gotta do, however I should have stressed  programme and gaining your footing comes first.....daughter needs you to be strong...programme is your needed nutrition for the soul