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So last night was Hard. I attended my first al anon meeting online and it was helpful to read other shares from people struggling with their AH. Ialso replied to more posts because I know that no matter what I post it feels really good that someone says that sucks I'm sorry try to move on. I read the replies to my first post over and over they gave me a boost.
I took my AH out to dinner with a friend and my two year old daughter to celebrate nye. my daughter had a long midday nap and was her usual bubbly self. My wife immediately ordered a beer and began getting wasted. 9pm west coast time was midnight on the east coast. She turned to me and hugged me and I felt good Which made me really sad. my wife didn't support me all year through our dog dying, our landlord trying to evict us and ended the year by having am affair with a coworker who takes her drinking and whom she refuses to stop seeing or speaking to. All of this and the bar is so low for her that a hug felt "good". I feel so out of control. I hate having to hold on to this heartbreak. I hate not being able to walk away without feeling like I gave up on our family. Im trapped in this loop of despair and anger and lonlines and tears. we had a hour long dinner and she drank 6 beers. In the car she is angry and texting and short with our daughter.
This morning I wake up and my first instinct is to hug her and say I love you. I know I can't I know she doesn't care I know she will not return any affection. It's like touching a hot stove first thing in the morning. I hate the mornings. My daughter gives me a hug and says she slept well I'm happy for her. I start counting the hours until my AH gets on a plane back home to the northeast. I extended my stay with our daughter Until 01/03. I don't want to go home to a house full of wedding photos that mean nothing to AH. I decide if I should also stop wearing my wedding rings since she showed up on 12/23 to our family vacation without them. I realize I'm grasping at straws nothing means anything to her anymore and I'm trapped here In this hurt locker because leaving would mean abandoning our 2 year old to my AH. So I post this hoping it will help. Hoping to gain strength from somewhere. God I really want to hug her. I hate myself for that.and I I'm crying again and that hole in my chest feels like it will swallow me.
The hardest part is that occasionally my AH tells me she loves me that she loves our family. That I am making a big deal over the affair and the inappropriate contact from the other woman that I should just let go and trust her. Then she hides text messages from the woman, she changes her contact information, she leaves us on the weekends to go have drinks with her. And I feel like I should be angry like it is my right to be angry to demand that she stop dealing with this woman and then my AH shuts down she says it's all my fault that shes drinking with her Prozac, that she started smoking again after 10 years, that i suffocate her and that the other woman helps her release stress. And I CAVE I feel aweful that I complained or demanded anything I apologize I feel like I failed our daughter that I was not strong enough and I pushed my AH to all of it and the loop begins again. It's 7:05 I drop her at the airport at 10:30am. I only have a few more hours to have her this close to me and again I just want to hug her and cry. This is the bottom.
I'm confused. Please help me understand. What are you meaning by AH? I read that as alcoholic husband but then I read wife in your post. I'm also not sure if she's living with you or apart from you. Maybe I missed something? The brain tends to scan words and doesn't always pick up everything written. I want to support you and I'm not sure how to do that with my current confusion. Thanks for helping me get the gist of your situation of you choose.
I just want to point out it is ok to hug her without the expectation that it will be returned the same way you give it. It is ok to love your A boogers and all and hate the disease. I can't remember if anyone has mentioned the books Getting them sober, Toby Rice Drew. She has a wealth of alanon information in them and she's able to put in words how to apply real life situations. Very easy reads, Very short and very spot on. My kids struggle with loving their dad, and disliking his behavior because he's crazy. we are no longer together and similar situation of trust being violated, co worker refused to cut contact. Ironically, they are no longer together. I just encourage you to keep taking every day one day at a time .. some days it's one min at a time. Only you can put you back together again .. her sobriety won't fix anything .. it's the tip of the iceberg. I think about what my stbax has to deal with and holy cow if he got sober that's great I'm glad it's not me having to cope with the destruction he's laid waste into. As far as the anger .. it will come .. trust me .. and that is ok .. don't act on the anger on the A find a different outlet. For me I do more damage denying my anger than just saying wow .. I feel angry right now and I should because that is a healthy response. I truly hate being told what I should feel and how long it should last .. that's my journey not anyone else's. Feelings aren't facts .. stick close here, find a f2f meeting in your area, and it will get better. Hugs keep coming back.
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I second the suggestion of getting the books that were mentioned. Mine is in tatters and marked all over from being handled so much. I learned so much about what was happening to my AH nd how I needed to change MY ways. I can really relate to where you say that taking your ring off won't make any difference because nothing matters to her anymore (except the alcohol) I remember when that realization hit me it was so painful so I feel for you. This coworker that she has latched onto is someone who doesn't judge her, tells her what she wants to hear and enables her to keep up her crappy habits. Start putting yourself first and put the focus on you and your daughter. Keep up with the al anon work and this board. I swear it has helped keep me sane through some of the hardest years of my life.
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G. Llewellyn
Thank you wornoutmrsfixit. It helps to know someone felt this low and is still walking around, breathing and not in a hole. I will got I he the online meetings 90 meets in 90 days. This is day 2. I just dropped my AW at the airport and hugged her. It felt good to hug her. After I attended the meeting and posted this morning I felt low. But then the replies started coming in and I felt stronger. I was able to hug her and not feel terrible about being the weak one. Thank you to all of you for the support.
I'm really sorry all of this is happening right now. I really don't have more to share than the rest of the posters above me, but I do want you to know that I'm glad you are choosing to do what you can for yourself and with your daughter. Sending you lots of encouragement and support as you do what you can with the cards that have been dealt you with the help of your HP and Al-Anon.
boy could I relate to this one , many yrs ago I went between anger and wanting to just hug him . In this program I learned to please myself and do what was right for me , so I started to touch my husb as he passed me in a room or to just give him a hug when he looked sad this made him pull away as if he was just hit with lightning I was told to not take it personally , he was not accustomed to being touched nor did he feel loveable , sponsor just said keep approaching him if it makes you feel better regardless of what his reaction was . She also said that even an alcoholic needs to know their loved but cautioned me to expect nothing in return . take care of you do the next right thing for you . Louise
there are identical posts here so i am gonna "copy" what i posted on your other post
TryingHard2013 wrote:
Thank you neshema. Tonight I found out some more troubling facts about AW and the other woman dating back to early November from a close friend who was nervous about telling me. Unfortunatley I noticed that I am in this space where I suddenly am disgusted enough not to miss my AW anymore. I don't want to be near her, hug her etc. for the first time I'm more disgusted than I am hurt. I'm sure this is also a stage. But for tonight I am Looking forward to sleep. And a better morning. More than anything I feel validated that my gut was right that it wasn't a one way affair that in fact my AW was the aggressor. And now well I don't want to give her any part of me. I feel like she forfeited that privilege. She has never asked for forgiveness and now I don't want to give it. So now I will continue to work the programme because I never want to be in this place again but also because I can think clearly and prepare for the divorce and custody battle without being a full on wreck. I don't know what tomorrow will bring but I am glad I found this board. And I'm grateful for the replies and the support.
Dear trying, i admire you, being such a good daddy, willing to go "butt to the wall" to protect your precious child....so many people just "stay stuck" with a terrible mate, not even thinking of what this day to day crap is doing to the heads of the children, they just let the kids get messed up, thinking that "oh its gonna be ok becuz i treat them good" BUT the kid sees the abuse, crazyness and yea, it messed them up big time and so many parents just can't think beyond their own selves....
Kudos to you...You are "manning" up...doing your program and getting prepared to do what is right by your daughter...
my mother did not protect us...she stayed with her man and sacrificed us all in the process...my poor brother will be the next of us to die...my other brother is already dead... well part of treating them good is being willing to sacrifice their self interests and really sitting down and asking themselves "what do i need to do to make sure my child has the best possible influences in his/her life??".....
I know you will work your program and stand up for your daughter...I wish i had had a dad like you...I would be a lot healthier.....I am so so sorry she did this to you....and I am glad HP is feeding you the truth AND you are not in denial about it.....I am so so impressed with your program progress for someone who hasn't been in programme for very long...You have my deep respect....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
