The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been pondering about the past few years and in particular thinking about some of the things that I've been told that drove me mad when I first heard them which then turned out to be hugely helpful and enlightening.
I remember being furious, feeling let down and very confused when I was trying to explain to someone how I was feeling abused by my inconsiderate drinking husband and she said 'you know its all your fault'.
How could that possibly be the case? But this friend was a successful counsellor so I felt that I had to at least consider what it was she was saying.
I've now decided that her words turned out to be one of the most empowering things that anyone has ever told me. From that single comment I've learnt about boundaries and I've learnt that if I am hurt by someone else's actions I do not have to let that hurt define my behaviour or feelings. That 'my fault' was my silent toleration of behaviour that I found intolerable.
So my pondering have started me wondering what other phrases have helped us to turn our lives around?
I had a friend many years ago who was very attentive to me and kind. I was newly recovering (about a year or year and a half) from living with an abusive husband - a fact my friend didn't know yet - and was oftentimes deeply depressed. It was that kind of depression wherein one's body feels as if it weighs 2500 pounds when trying to lift it out of a bed or off a couch or out of a chair. I trusted him because he was consistently attentive, gentle and kind and good to me and my kids. One night, we came home from a date. I paid the sitter. I checked on the kids. Then, I sunk down on the couch in my livingroom flat on my back. It was as if I fell into a hole I didn't see and couldn't get up or out. "G" sat close to my head on the couch where I lay prone and crying. He whispered "I know you are depressed. I know you get depressed a lot. I'm starting to believe that you like being depressed because you never try to help yourself get out of it. You just give into it." His words stung because they were coming from a person who had been so good to me and good to my kids.
I didn't fight him in my mind. I just felt the sting and for once - listened more deeply "to me." "It isn't because I like being depressed, G. I don't know how to get out of it." Probably some of the first honest emotional words I ever spoke. If he hadn't cared enough about me to say what he truly thought, I might never have gotten off that couch because I wouldn't have seen that I needed help. My emotional life began to change from that point because I listened to myself rather than defended myself. I've have carried a warm spot in my heart for him for more than 30 years because he cared enough about me to be real rather than nice. Although I was cash register honest, I was seldom emotionally honest. I began to learn a new way to think and to be.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 1st of January 2014 08:57:31 AM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 1st of January 2014 08:58:32 AM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 1st of January 2014 09:01:24 AM
When I first came on this board, I wrote a lot about all the horrible things my husband did "to me". Lots of people were sympathetic, but one member said something to the affect that I was treating my AH like my child, enabling him, etc. Those words really stung, and I didn't "like" that particular member for a long time. I wanted to write something publicly about how cruel and uncaring that particular member was, but I remembered other slogans and teachings from alanon, things like I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to, and what other people think of me is not my business, so I kept my mouth shut and my typing fingers still.
Those words that made me so angry, stayed in my head. I went to f2f meetings and I paid attention to what other members shared, particularly Mom's who were struggling with alcoholic children. Slowly, I noticed that I WAS treating my husband like a child, in so many ways, I was acting more like the parent of an alcoholic, than the spouse. That MIP member had hit the nail right on the head, but I was too stuck in my own denial and self-rightousness to see it at first.
Another thing I remember, from early on, was during one very heated argument with my AH, him saying to me, EVERYTHING IS NOT ABOUT YOU!! He was screaming at me that his disease was not about me, it was his disease, and he had to figure out how to deal with it. Again, at the time, I was too sick to hear the message, but over time, my HP continued to show me that if I just focused on me and my health, I would get healthy. My AH might or might now, that was up to him and his HP, but I needed to get out of the way. My husband is sober today. He is not perfect, neither am I. He may be drunk tomorrow, but all I can do is live for today and continue to focus on my own needs, health, and recovery.
Most memorable thing someone hit me with was - Get off the pity pot! It stung like a bee on my butt but she was right and I try now to not get back on the pity pot - I have to stop whining about my life and do what I can to make it better - gets a whole lot more done this way!
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I can relate too, I remember when I first came here, I posted a few things and I felt like people were not getting what I meant but actually people were seeing through my words to the truth of the matter, that really annoyed me. In fact, that can still happen from time to time and I know that im in denial about something. Its good to know that ive got this wee truthometer right here. It truly is a miracle.x
One day I was whining and crying about my husbands addictions and a teacher of mine looked straight at me and said, "you are just like him, you are him". I stopped my babbling and sunk into my chair, hurt and humiliated. What she meant was I could see his addictions, but not mine. Ouch.
Love this topic. The thing that made a huge difference to me and stands out in my mind as a life changer was from Getting Them Sober. "The alcoholic hears what you do, not what you say."
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G. Llewellyn
The First time My husband's sponsor told me that I was sicker than my AH. I was so insulted! Not long after that I realized that he was right! What a revelation!!! Been working on it ever since! Not there yet..but I am making progress.
This is a great topic for me also..."Its all your fault" use to be an early Al-Anon slogan and my first reaction was anger and insult also however when I was able to slow down and look at that slogan from another positive perception it was talking about how I was enabling and allowing the pain. I was "taking" "accepting" hurt which surprised me...listen, learn, practice...it often isn't how I initially hear or see it. ((((hugs))))
Love this post! I know when someone says something that irks me, but I can't quite put my finger on why, it is probably because it rings true, but I need time to digest and figure it out myself. That is why I have learned not to rip anyone else's blinders off, first off not my job and now I know I can't fix or save them only myself. Great shares!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Wow!
I'm not the only child who threw toys out of the pram!!! I'm loving the learning, there is some powerful stuff here, and I'm relating to all that you've said.
Thank you for sharing so much
I've had many times over that something finally clicks and I'm like BF I need time to digest what is said. I remember when my stbax said to me, I don't think like you do. This was shortly after we split up and that was probably the truest thing and most right on the marker thing he's said to me to date. Nope .. he doesn't think like I do and it was such a clear marker for me in terms of healing and accepting where we were both at in that moment. I'm grateful I don't think like he does and even more grateful he doesn't think like I do. Hugs ;)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
When I kept hearing other members say, "I sought to see what my part was in the situation," it finally caused me to peel away the denial that I, too, contributed in ways that perpetuated the dysfunction. Al-Anon writes reality checks that don't bounce. For that I am grateful to HP.
Lol .. this post really got my mind turning in a good way. The one that constantly and still does from time to time grates on me is .. the whole it's none of my business. When I first came here what do you mean my marriage is none of my business? How can legal matters that affect my financial well being not be my business. It would just drive me crazy. I have a better understanding of that saying now .. is it My stuff or not. I can pick up the rope or not .. ultimately the choice is mine.
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
A big two by four upside the head for me recently was reading that self-pity is a DEPENDENCY issue! It's focusing on someone (or something) else! I was so confused. I thought self-pity meant I was focusing on me! I realized that as long as I'm in self-pity, I can't very well be practicing detachment, when it comes to people. And self-pity as a result of circumstances is just making me dependent instead of making me act, to improve them.
All this time I thought I was doing well with detachment, keeping my side of the street clean, being responsible for myself, etc. Yet I still indulged in feeling like a victim practically every day.
My Light bulb moment came when I was asked to "examine my motives" as I was not the person I pretended to be.
How true was that!!?
Working the Steps, meetings ,sharing honestly changed that and I am oh so grateful.
Oh motives has been a biggie for me of late.....check my motives....work step 10 before i do or say something that isn't your everyday stuff.......and your last sentence, Betty says it all...
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
A big two by four upside the head for me recently was reading that self-pity is a DEPENDENCY issue! It's focusing on someone (or something) else! I was so confused. I thought self-pity meant I was focusing on me! I realized that as long as I'm in self-pity, I can't very well be practicing detachment, when it comes to people. And self-pity as a result of circumstances is just making me dependent instead of making me act, to improve them.
All this time I thought I was doing well with detachment, keeping my side of the street clean, being responsible for myself, etc. Yet I still indulged in feeling like a victim practically every day.
WOW....so as a codependent, that is probably why i STILL tend to go there when down....I really have to work the steps adn gratitude list when that stuff creeps in.....WOW DEPENDENCY issue....this is great.....and self pity is that i am dependent, and not acting to get better....holy moly this is a good thread......
WOW, i can relate to the "feeling like victim practically every day" when life is hammering me with unwanted karma, i can do that real easy (feel like victim) then i get angry and rage.......not anywhere near as bad, but still a bit there.....now, if i am really getting the screws put to me, (good and bad stuff like comes in waves) i sometimes will sit down and cry...then work my options, re: what can i do to take care of me/it
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
When I kept hearing other members say, "I sought to see what my part was in the situation," it finally caused me to peel away the denial that I, too, contributed in ways that perpetuated the dysfunction. Al-Anon writes reality checks that don't bounce. For that I am grateful to HP.
"looking at my part" in the breakup or bad relationship that needs ending, lol, or whatever....i used to be all "ITS THEIR FAULT" ' or "its life screwing me over" "i just have bad karma" never looked at me till this past couple of years to see "what was my part in it" now this applies to one who A--is not a minor child....B--is not mentally/emotionally sick......or disabled mentally in anyway....then yea, even tho they by physical explanation "had a part in it" in that they were THERE, for example the abuse i suffered as a child......
He used to say "this is our thing" whats this "OUR" crap, dude??? I am the baby here..the powerless one here, YOU have all the power, control, my provider, etc....whats this "WE" crap???? Oh yea, to assuage his guilt, his unwanted visits to my room was "our thing" OMG...i remember this, and this "my part in it" brings up this disgusting memory...
the good news is i am sitting here calm, not reversing my typing letters out of stress becuz I had NO PART in HIS crime against me......it was HIM...HIS ticket to the darkness.....NOT mine....I never did "own" any of that....
it as taken me years in recovery to finally accept that as my truth and therefore, quit beating ME up over being so helpless at the time........
wow...fantastic thread and shares...
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
WOW....so as a codependent, that is probably why i STILL tend to go there when down....I really have to work the steps adn gratitude list when that stuff creeps in.....WOW DEPENDENCY issue....this is great.....and self pity is that i am dependent, and not acting to get better....holy moly this is a good thread......
WOW, i can relate to the "feeling like victim practically every day" when life is hammering me with unwanted karma, i can do that real easy (feel like victim) then i get angry and rage.......not anywhere near as bad, but still a bit there.....now, if i am really getting the screws put to me, (good and bad stuff like comes in waves) i sometimes will sit down and cry...then work my options, re: what can i do to take care of me/it
Thanks for reading it and pondering it, Neshema! Interesting that you said you still 'tend to go there when down'. For me, I realized that I went there first, (to self-pity land) then was brought down by it, and kept down by it. It's really interesting and helpful for me because I can now distinguish between some kind of chemical downer (hormones, lack of food, sleep deprivation, etc.) and my self-pity-induced downers! Talk about liberating. I have been able to greatly reduce the number of hours I spend depressed, simply by realizing I am falling back into the habit of playing the victim. It doesn't change the fact that someone behaved like a butt towards me, but I don't have to hand over my self-worth to them any more, for hours and hours afterwards.
So, I still go there too, but the difference now is that it usually only lasts minutes, rather than hours.
