The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
hubbs has been in aa for about a year now, but the last 3 years have been ****. We're both vets & he's 100% disabled. Guess what my finances are tied to. We got him off the pain meds this summer when he was put on naltrexone (?) after antabuse didn't faze him. He dumped his muscle relaxers the other night when he blacked out & couldn't remember going to the store "for milk" and downing at least a bottle of wine. Today he ran some errands "got milk" and "hasn't been drinking" - forget the fact that he sounds like a bull in a china shop trying to hide the 2 pints of vodka from me & has been out cold most of the time that he's been home.
you'd think that my panic attack a few weeks ago when he offered to get take & bake pizza (conveniently a parking lot away from the liquor store) would have actually done something. He offers food and I wonder what he did this time. He wonders why our 4-yo daughter doesn't want to be near him when he isn't quite right (drinking). He's managed to alienate himself from pretty much everyone around us. I'm trying to put on a good face for my daughter's preschool. we're in my home town - his family is 2 tme zones away and he's got issues with them (the last time he talked with them on the phone, it sounded like a bar fight).
we've been together for 20 years & the only thing from keeping me from kicking his a** out are the good days & the potential repercussions (finances & fear of him ending up in jail or dead). he's never laid a hand on me, but he's scared the ***t out of me & has broken ***. according to him it's my problem because i haven't gotten help with my "issues" (sexually assaulted by a drunk guy, so it's no surprise that I had issues when drunk hubby mistakes groping for being romantic).
i used to like wine - now the smell of it pisses me off. I don't like being around him anymore because when things are good, I'm waiting for the other foot to drop. & the relapses still catch me off guard.
thanks for letting me vent.
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 1st of January 2014 11:53:09 AM
Are you or have you been attending meetings for you? I'm a little confused .. your husband is or isn't in AA? I didn't understand really until I got into alanon that alcoholism is a family disease. Children are sponges to the crisis and chaos going around them .. as much as I deluded myself that I was able to shield the kids from my stbax's drinking I came into alanon because I had become unmanageable and out of control. My kids were more afraid of me 3 years ago than if they had known about the drinking. It was awful for us all and it had nothing to do with me being physically abusive. It was the underlying tension and they spent more time walking on egg shells with me. I'm so grateful for the program because it had brought me peace and my kids and I are closer than ever. There are no more egg shells and the tension is for the most part gone. Anyway welcome and keep coming back. Hugs
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Aloha and welcome to the MIP Family Dragon...you're one of us...fully qualified and now to take the focus off of him and put it on yourself. That is what we learned how to do and what we practice now. Most of us are fellow members of the Al-Anon Family Groups where we got our sanity and serenity handed back to us along with all kinds of other good stuff. Let me introduce you to Al-Anon if you haven't already been by telling you to go find the hotline number in the white pages of your local telephone book. Call that number and find out where and when we get together in your area and then come to the first meeting you can get to. Its free...not scary...everyone in the room will know where you've been in this disease because we have been there and done that also with slight differences. It is the similarities which hold us together and help us to be supportive of each other. There is a ton of literature at the meeting you can get your hand on so that you can read up about this cunning, powerful and baffling disease which is fatal if not arrested by total abstinence. Others are going to come forward to greet you also. We glad you are here. ((((hugs))))
you say the only thing from keeping me from kicking his ass out are the good days & the potential repercussions (finances & fear of him ending up in jail or dead). he's never laid a hand on me, but he's scared the shit out of me & has broken shit. according to him it's my problem because i haven't gotten help with my "issues" (sexually assaulted by a drunk guy, so it's no surprise that I had issues when drunk hubby mistakes groping for being romantic).
I hope i understand this right...you say that you don't get rid of him becuz of the "good days and potential repercussions---finances and fear of him ending up in jail or dead"
first of all, his ending up in jail or dead is beyond your control....if you keep him and he keeps drinking he will , if not going to jail, end up dying anyway....and you will be his end of life caregiver until the drink slowly kills him......ugly situation...i had to take care of my drunk mother who abused me all my life, i had to care for her at the end and it was ugly....i never wanted to do that again....even tho my screwed up mental programming caused me to marry 2 alkies, I ended it with both of them...it was like on one hand I didn't think i could " Marry any better" and on the other hand, the other side of me said "no...enough of dysfunctional and awful living" then, i ended up in recovery after the 2nd split to find ME...to find out WHY i kept self sabotaging in relationships and just shooting myself in the foot in other ways
I am NOT suggesting you leave or stay, I cannot do that....for me?? I left....an alcoholic who refuses recovery and does not stop drinking is it for me, I had to do it (marry them) 2 x before i finally learned that this is a losing proposition for me, anyway.....the good old times are gone, unless he gets into recovery for about 3 years or so, changing his mind and thought patterns and he STAYS sober...... as to jail??? if he breaks a law he could end up in jail...his fault, not yours....and to tell you the truth, jail just MIGHT force him to wake up...get into recovery and try to save himself......
you also mention that he scares the shit out of you and breaks stuff....my AH#1 did that and it escalated to near physical violence....he "ratcheted" it up to pushing and shoving me...that is when I bailed out.....so breaking stuff in anger can be the precursor to violence against you.....I would get the tel # and location of a domestic violence shelter in case things get out of control, you can call them, or just leave and get to the shelter and those shelters really know how to help a gal or guy, suffering from abuse get on their feet......Just saying.....I would have my ducks in a row, if I were you in case he steps up the "breaking stuff" bc that is real uncomfortable sounding.....
I am glad you came here....Please, try the alanon meetings, find a good sponsor to help you work the 12 steps which are the key to the program, along w/the meets, also learn and practice the slogans and the literature is very important to read.........I hope you try alanon becuz it can help you find yourself and a healther mind set....it literally saved my life.....
sorry you are in so much pain, but we CAN take back our lives through the 12 steps recovery program, alanon , i go to alanon AND acoa because i need both due to the child abuse i suffered....I am codependent and i keep my condition in remission by attending meets., working w/my sponsor , working the 12 steps, slogans, I do it all....I have to
IN SUPPORT
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I haven't been to alanon. Hubbs has been drinking badly for 3 years & started AA about a year ago.
so hes drinking while in AA???? omg...i am sorry to hear that.......and I think now would be a good time for you to start alanon, at least , I hope you give it a try...how about a few meets and hanging out on this board so you can see just how helpful and mind saving this program is......there is no way, in my opinion, anyway, that you can handle this load w/out the program.......
JUST saying........
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I love your name, Dragonmoon. I can certainly understand the concerns that you have, the anger and frustration you are feeling, the fear of the unknown if you no longer live with him. I struggled with those same things with both my x and later my son. I kept trying to keep the home fires burning for the family I wanted and not the family I had. Finally, I saw reality as it truly was for me and for my kids. I had to make a change because my x was not going to do that. His disease continued to progress without any effort on his part to fight it - he just fought me. It didn't matter if I was sleeping and offering no resistance. He still assaulted me. He was out of his mind and I kept thinking that things would get better if I just loved him enough or defended myself enough or prayed enough or tried to understand him enough. He was also a vet although he'd never really seen combat just drunken parties on a base in Alaska where he'd gambled and drank and hung out with other gambling, drinking vets. I thought that was just a phase and that his being arrested once while on base didn't mean anything just like his bizarre behaviors on occasion before we married didn't mean anything. We had more good times than bad times together - for awhile. By the time I separated myself from him I felt like I had been in a war zone and in many ways I had been. It took me many years to recover from living in that war zone and in some ways, I am still recovering from the effects of that "union."
You have reached out to us to vent and we hear you. What you describe sounds similar to the kind of war zone I lived in where I was shot by friendly fire. Only the enemy wasn't a person, it was a disease. A disease I could never see and that you can't see. All we can see is the effects of the disease on the people we love. We try to fight the symptoms of the disease in our own ways and we often mistake the symptoms we are fighting for our loved ones. So, we help perpetuate the spread of the enemy's destruction and contribute to the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual breakdown of ourselves and the good life we wanted because our fight is ineffective and inefficient.
The Al-Anon program is for us. It helps to heal our wounds while we learn how to face and deal with the true enemy - the disease of alcoholism and its baffling, cunning and powerful deceptions and disguises. We learn to buddy up with people who have had some of the same experiences and fought the wrong enemy and learned how to fight the right enemy in effective and efficient ways before it could destroy us.
You've come to the right place before you go to Al-Anon yourself. Your husband isn't practicing the program. He's just going to meetings. You can't do anything about that. But, you can attend meetings and learn to be an effective and efficient champion in the cause of promoting increasing physical, mental, emotional and spiritual well-being for yourself that may have a very positive effect on your family's health, too. Keep coming back.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 1st of January 2014 07:19:15 AM
Welcome to Miracles In Progress! So very glad you are here:) I strongly encourage you to join a local Al-anon group, I want you to be given everything I have! We to suffer at the hands of this disease, it is a family disease, but in Al-Anon you will learn the tools to help your life get better, whether your alcoholic is still drinking or not!
That was what I needed to hear when I arrived at my first meeting! I understand all your pain & anger but we can learn to let go of that in time...
So Please keep coming here and I hope you find a face to face Al-Anon meeting, my recovery started in the month of January as well, what a great way to start a brand new year!!
Take care... this time of the year is supposed to be a time of celebration, and family time. Some luck!
Nothing wrong with a bloody good cry... nothing at all. I have bin there...
Me 2, David....Me 2......I call crying "liquid prayers" done it a lot in my life, as recent as a couple of weeks ago.......there is a kind of release when I "cleanse" more bad memories off me
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Welcome dragonmoon and thank you for sharing. Thank you David and neshema for understanding the need for a good cry. This board is so good for me. Keep coming back dragonmoon.
