The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I do believe the Holidays have thrown me. Living away from my family, I am able to work on one piece of my dysfunction/codependancy at a time. I can pull out pieces of my shattered childhood/early adulthood: examine them, read a book, do therapy, and add some experience to my adult wheelhouse Then I can go back to what I have built, what seems normal to me now, and feel like a fairly healthy adult. Yes, there are problems in my adulthood too, but thats another topic.
Sure, I have stuff to deal with, but all in good time, right? The Al-anon program that I liked stopped meeting a few years ago, the other is too far, not convenient, etc.but I READ, I have had therapy, I mean, I KNOW right?
I have been to Family week 3 x, for 3 different members of my family.
I scroll thru the blogs here. I feel the pain, I know some of the pain, and your shares have kept me grounded.
And the detachment I prayed for last year came. I prayed & prayed, cried & cried, and it came. I had therapy. I walk my side of the street. Cant control it.didnt cause it
But alas.I go home for the Holidays, and having the entire circus there is more than I can handle. I am just getting out of bed since Saturday from a terrible cold, but truth be told, going home knocked me off my feet, and humbled me. All my inner children that arent recognized scream all at once when I go homeand all my coping skills seem so far away. Sure, I do pretty well I have the frozen smile, I am easy going, I try to have boundaries, I try to keep it easy & light, but its a mine field.
So whats up? My dad is a rageaholic/alcoholic, his wife has no empathy and is an alcoholic, her kids are alcoholics & thats just the overview. My mom died when I was 20 of cancer but only after she was a full fledged alcoholic too. Biggest problem for me is that my 48 year old brother has given up. The craziest thing is that he has battled alcoholism for 25 years & is no longer drinking but has just turned the addiction into food. I havent seen him in a year and it was a shocker. I knew he was in trouble (again) about 18 months ago, and prayed that maybe this would be the time he would turn it around. The help was there. Again, he didnt take it. He talked the talk for awhile, but I know him. My biggest fear, well, at the time, came true. My brother is the morbidly obese guy who cant get off the couch & wont get help.. He is the visual image of all the pain my family has.
Now, his organs are failing, he is on oxygen, can barely walk, & is getting ready to have an amputation due to diabetes complications, all of which are not his fault. Oh, & fell out of his wheelchair on the ice @ Christmas & his doc has him on hydrocodone. No biggie.
Yes, I am sarcastic! Andangry. but I really thought I had detached but oh my. I stopped being "angry" a few years ago, and I try to be supportive, I mean he is disabled, and I do mean disabled. He is so far into his addiction and this last year I thought I had come to a place of acceptance.and I thought I had a handle on it..but clearly I dont..
I feel like a newborn & NOT in a good way! I don't even know where to start now.
So, off I go. Yes, I know I need Al-Anon. dont have to tell me twice. I am so overwhelmed however that I feel like I need 24 hour care. I think maybe a grief counselor may be in order.The hard truth that I am coming to terms w that my family cannot bear is that my brother is done. He knows it, I know it.and I feel like a crazy person for saying it but he isnt getting better this time. He has had dozens of times to get help in his life. He just wants some compassion. He no longer wants to talk about any of it, nor does anyone else. Everyone has an opinion about my brother, most callous, and often brutal. My family is not a compassionate group, and he is not easy, but it's like looking into the soul of a tortured 10 year old when you talk to him. Heartbreaking. .
The only thing I know to do now is take care of myself, and write him a Thank you for being my brother letter. Believe me, there is no more advice for me or my family to give to him, no more rehabs to go to, no more counselors to talk w. & of course no more sneaky emails about stupid stuff like aspartame being toxic and how important it is to floss. (he hasn't had teeth in years)
But really, how do you handle that? Or did I just answer my own question about what detachment really means? Does it mean being ok w loss knowing that its inevitable?
Sorry for the ramble.and thank you for letting me unload. I feel very alone in my world, but I know there are others that have been here. Sorry this is so long but thanks for letting me have a voice.
I am glad you showed up here....and its ok to "ramble" sometimes we hve to just cleanse our organs of the negativity and other forms of sadness we feel
yep, you came to the right place....I, too am a product of , well, my parents were just bad people...especially the male
I have the disease of codependency....it is what it is...I keep it in remission by working my program which is meetings...step work w/my sponsor...slogan practice...literature study and meditation on....all of the programme's offerings....I use it....and am grateful for it
I do hope you give this program adn this community a decent chance...with hard work..dedication...commitment to yourself, you CAN make huge and wonderful changes in your life
i always go of the belief...change my mind, change my life...that is what i am doing....
glad u came....you are not alone
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Hi Polly... I AM old. I don't share an awful lot now... sometimes my space does not identify with newcomers- the pain and shame. I can remember it but I no longer feel it much. But I always listen to newcomers. it brings me back to my first meeting. It gives me a depth of gratitude beyond compare. I did lots and lots of sharing- and I let it go. Both f2 face and online...
...one day at a time- it is sometimes hard to see the changes close up- but it does creep up on us... the experience strength and hope. Happy New Year.
I am sorry for all the pain you have experienced am glad you found us and reached out. I too tried to do alanon alone. I had attended meetings, had all the books, understood the terms, accepted the Steps and had a Higher Power- I did not think I needed the "Connection" that meetings gave me. I was wrong. Alanon helps to break the isolation and is a ""we "" program. It should not be managed or done alone.Please search out face to face meetings and attend, We also have on line meetings here 2xs a day that can help when you are stressed.
The first thing I had to do was to learn to get to meetings, Keep the focus on myself, live one day at at time and pray.
Detachment with love its a powerful principles of the program as is Acceptance.
Acceptance , for me simply means I stop trying to change people, accept that I am powerless, and that life on life's term can be lived with courage serenity and wisdom of the program. Detachment means (for me) I have compassion, empathy and understanding or others but I do not feel their pain nor try to fix them.
You were able to recognize that it was the disease that knocked you for a loop when you went home. I'll bet there was a time when you didn't know that? Even though being with family was difficult for you, it appears to me that you still were able to clearly understand what was happening - even if you couldn't control it. Good work.
Hi polly2, welcome to MIP forum. Just knowing that you're not alone may be helpful.
Sorry to hear of your brother's complex health problems. It is so distressing to have to watch others suffer because of what they've done to themselves.
When I showed up in Al-Anon I felt like everyone was supposed to have the stable family foundation. Well, some of us didn't and don't. As soon as I accepted that reality, then I was ready to work on healing.
Oh Polly, I can feel your pain, I am so very sorry!
I can also feel your recovery and you are working it! Good for you!! Any disease is horrific, and you are not in denial about your brother and that, as painful as it is, I feel is a very good thing. You are an amazing sister to him!! You are full of compassion, he is a very lucky man to have you! So sorry also to hear your meeting discontinued in your area, I can relate as mine has as well....There are 2 meetings a day on here, they are EST I think maybe you have been on them before?
I love you idea to write your brother a letter, I too have chosen to write letters, some that were delivered and some that were burned in order to fully set myself free...
Thank you for being here and sharing with us! Prayers & hugs to you!
And today is a brand new start, to a brand new year!:) Happy 2014
Welcome Polly. This forum can bring the answers you seek, soothe the spirit in turmoil and fear, give the hard words we need to hear as well as the kind and loving words we want so badly...directly proportional to my honesty, openness, willingness and most of all acceptance. Acceptance is always the last stop for me and the road there is also always littered with shattered hopes, unrealistic expectations of self and others, and most of all my hurt and anger that other people, and life is not what I want it to be. You seem to have pretty good vision on the family dynamic. I had a crazy and weird family perspective too. The thing being talked about was NEVER the real subject of the conversation. I started getting a better grip on sanity when I started taking people at their word. I would respond only to the words being spoken and never tried to ferret out the underlying agenda. They would get so mad at me and say things like "Well you know what mean!" I would reply no I really don't. I am able to respond only to what people actually say.
You seem to have grasped this and recognize what's real and what's not. Our feelings don't go away though just because we start seeing things the way they really are. You and your recovery are a blessing to your family whether its recognized or not. One of the most frequent things my sponsor would say to me (to my gnashing of teeth) was "stand still and feel." Alanon helps us learn to do this and gives us loving, kind, and understanding people to stand around us, comfort us and be our cheering crowd as we walk this lonesome valley.
Glad you are here. You're in the right place for encouragement, comfort and understanding.
Hi Polly... I AM old. I don't share an awful lot now... sometimes my space does not identify with newcomers- the pain and shame. I can remember it but I no longer feel it much. But I always listen to newcomers. it brings me back to my first meeting. It gives me a depth of gratitude beyond compare. I did lots and lots of sharing- and I let it go. Both f2 face and online...