The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I found this message board because I've only been to a handful of Al-Anon meetings and I don't have a sponsor yet, but I really needed to connect with the community right now.
Tonight, on the phone, I told my mother that my husband has been going to AA and that I've been been going to Al-Anon meetings. She had known that we'd been having some issues over the years, and I know that she's had a lot of reservations about my husband, but she hasn't known that he is an alcoholic and drug addict. I assured her that we're okay and we're making very positive steps in our lives, but I can tell she's very worried and unhappy about the situation. I'm feeling a lot of shame and anxiety over the fact that I know she's judging my husband and that she's disappointed in me for not choosing a "better" partner. She just kept telling me that I've been "such an angel" to my husband and that I "deserve the best". I know it's meant to be a compliment, but it upsets me because I know the unspoken message beneath it is that he doesn't deserve me and I could do better. While I'll admit to having had similar thoughts many times over the years, out of frustration and anger during difficult times, I know that's not a fair or constructive way to think.
Anyway, I'm just feeling a little mixed up and sad right now, and I really needed to reach out to people who would understand.
Could be that stopping the thinking might help alot...welcome to the board...this is family and just a great place to get ESH and loving support. One of the things I thanked my Mom for was not telling me "I told you so"....be grateful (((hugs)))
I am a longtimer from the land of the kiwi. Alcoholism and addiction is a curse of a thing! It is very poorly understood, even by us sometimes!
A lot of people thing of an alcoholic sitting on a park bench drinking out of a paper bag. There are heaps of fine people with the illness, as we know. (and a far share of heart-breaks as well, of course.) I think shame has a lot to do with the messages we give ourselves. We can't mind-read other people's responses though we think we can sometimes. Getting along to AA for hubby is a big boost, especially at this time of the year. And taking in a few Alanon meetings for yourself.
There was probably no other way to broach to topic to your mum. But what other people think of us is none of our business. Through this programme we do learn to make choices- wise choices. And over time we do not have to make these alone.
Thanks for your share- your honesty and your courage!
Welcome to MIP.....we are honest, open and forthright about our shares and when we post on someone we give our experiences and strengths and hope and we always use the disclaimer "take what you can use and leave the rest"
NOONE will shame you here....yea, maybe a bit o tough love when needed but it is to encourage, never to undermine...
as to your mom, I can understand how she feels, her baby being in this situation, and i totally relate to how you feel in that you chose him and of course you don't want the not so good rubbed in your face.....
I do hope you give alanon a chance...alanon is for us...about us...to help us discover ourselves through the steps, the slogans, working those steps with a sponsor, going to the meetings and guess what!!! We got meets here, 2x per day...
I just went to tonight's meet after my sisters radio show where i was manning the chat room, but i managed to get into the meeting.....so if face to face is a problem, we have meets here and tonight was a good one....lots of folks sharing and caring....
i hope you try alanon and the meets, step work w/a sponsor, slogan practice, reading the literature and it sounds a lot but really its not that bad when you get into it....
for now, why not just read the posts here, absorb the healing from others and please KNOW....you are NOT alone
i married two alcoholics....1 was abusive , the other sweet, but I left...that was my choice....I don't support staying with an alcoholic who refuses to help himself and undermines my life, but that is me...
some folks stay...soem leave....it is their choice and their life, so we dont' tell someone to go or stay....the only time i kinda pushed the envelope is when someone is posting that they are being physically threatened., then i have said "call the cops and get out of there" only bc i was concerned
you will see others post underneath my post to you, this room is all the time pretty busy so please hang out with us and
i am living proof that alanon works...alanon and acoa turned me from a bitter, god hating, rage filled little abuse surivivor into a healing , now thriving feeling better about herself each day person
if it can help me it can help anyone....
I see he is alcoholic and drug addict....that is a LOAD to handle so i am glad you came here....
the objective of alanon is learning how to take care of you....how to get to really know you...how to learn, maybe for the first time (my case) how to love you....alanon is the best place for self discovery which leads to self acceptance and self love....
THEN after you have been here for a while, you will change...for the healthier....for the happier....and then you may decide to leave or stick it out w/him, but either way, I urge you to give alanon a chance b/c noone can handle that kind of disease w/out help.....there is no way you can deal with this on your own w/out the support of the 12 steps recovery groups, in this case alanon
because i am a survivor of child abuse adn neglect, and therefore, felt zero love and self esteem, i didn't think i deserved better so i married into my family....two drunks......didn't know any other way....now i do....
i am by myself...with my 4 legged children....2 legged ones are married and out of the nest, so its me, my pets, my fitness club, and my soon to be volunteering at the animal shelter....alanon has taught me that i am lovable, acceptable and I am a value in this universe and it is showing in my everyday life
oh dont' get me wrong...I have my bad recovery days and i get into a meeting...call my sponsor...work the steps....because my disease of codependency is only in remission....i keep myself emotionally sober one day at a time and working my program
this is a life proposition.....really, in these difficult times in the world, I think the whole WORLD needs the 12 steps alanon or acoa....really...i think WE are the lucky ones in that we were driven here by familial abuse or addict spouses, i think, really we are the lucky ones .
so i hope you will read the posts, give us the "sniff" test and i know you will see a lot of love and camaraderie on this board
I may not "like" everyone here, but i dang sure have respect for everyone here simply because we are all in the same boat together, the same fox hole together and we are all fighting the same enemy....the disease and its secondary diseases like codependency which is what i am in program for...
HAPPY NEW YEAR, by the way.....and I am glad you came......
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Welcome to MIP. I don't know about you, but I didn't know a lot about my x until after I married him. Then, all sorts of things I didn't know occurred and it surprised me. I also didn't know how to deal with it. My idea of who he was and who he was ended up being two different things. Even "better partners" can be in car accidents that change them forever, develop cancers or heart conditions that change them or unknowingly get embroiled in a scandal that they didn't ask for and never saw how to avoid it. Maybe that is true for you, too? You didn't know when you said "Yes" and later "I do" what that commitment would bring to you? Maybe you, like me, made the best choice you could at the time and now you're being faced with something you didn't foresee back then but still have to deal with it now?
Your husband is sick - not bad. He has a disease that neither of you caused, can control or can cure. It can only be arrested. He's trying to do his part and you are, too. Sounds like good choice making to me. The consequences of those choices now if you both are committed to recovery and work your programs can become a very rich experience at some point in the future for you as individuals and as a married couple.
Moms - for all of our warts - love our kids. Secretly, we probably all have had moments when we thought our kids should be getting more or better than we perceive they are getting. We oftentimes think that way because we treasure our kids and think they are the smartest, most wonderful people to have ever lived. We can't express that well or in ways that work for our kids sometimes and we've been taught we shouldn't brag - so many of us don't - at least in public. We can't help that in a lot of ways. That my kid is the best kid started for us before we even gave birth to you. I know what you sense in your Mom hasn't been helpful to you right now, but underneath the non-helpful way of expressing it, can you see your Mom's love for you?
As far as how you are thinking that you don't think is fair right now - what if you said to yourself those things you wish your Mom could say? What would be helpful to you right now? Can you write a letter to yourself and say what you want to hear from your Mom? Could you look in a mirror and say the words you want to hear?
Thanks for coming here. Please keep coming back.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 1st of January 2014 12:19:38 AM
Thank you for sharing so openly dot...I too always heard a different conversation going on underneath my mother's "out loud" words. But when I told her I was an alcoholic and was going to AA all she said is "Thank God." So I did.
My family tended to give me the message I wasn't capable of making good decisions except when I left the one decent man I've ever had a relationship with because he was cramping my drinking etc. But they didn't like him because we had different skin colors. So when I finally left my abusive alcoholic, she said "are you sure that's a good idea, dear?" Seriously? I still feel shame and anxiety sometimes about my family even though they've been gone many years. Those early messages are deeply ingrained. But now, I try to "notice" my shaming thoughts and reverse them with affirmations. Its the only thing that's ever worked for me.
One of the benefits I've gleaned from Al-Anon that might not be what you think are looking for is - an increased ability to deal with people other than the alcoholic. We come here because of the A in our lives; but we don't know, in the early days especially, that dealing with "others" is part of our lives that we need help dealing with. What others think of me is none of my business has anchored itself in my mind - almost daily, something comes up that has me remembering that phrase, hugging it to me as a way to accept that I cannot MAKE someone think highly (or lowly) of me, what they choose to think, isn't in my control. I use Al-Anon concepts to deal with so much more than alcohol addiction in my life.
Welcome to the board Dot! Happy New Year!
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Hugs and welcome, a little lightning bolt that has recently hit me especially with my mom is my fears about what I think she's saying nonverbally is a direct reflection of what I think about me or the situation. I don't know if that makes sense or not .. more and more I'm really getting what I'm feeling badly about is a direct reflection of what I think about myself .. especially when I'm seeking other peoples approval. In my case it is my parents I want that approval from. Hope you have a meeting and sponsor it sure helps! Hugs s :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Thanks for speaking up dot! It was hard for me to speak at meeting the first few times, even now because I write better than I speak. So it's good to have an outlet like this, hopefully you can take advantage of it too.
My AW is freshly in recovery, and we have a few issues with her mom confusing who owns what issue. That is rough. Her mom can guilt her into sine stress, and I was actually able to help her out because I was able to help her understand which issues are whose because of my alanon experience. When she lays some guilt on my wife for drinking, wife knows that her mom owns her reactions to AW's drinking.
Alanon and strong boundaries have helped me straighten out these boundary and ownership issues.
