Very Aware of Time Slipping By - Al-Anon Family Group

wornoutmrsfixit · Senior Member

Very Aware of Time Slipping By

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Sorry, WOMF: I don't have experience here. I do know that forgiveness with awareness can help me keep my expectations low and my care for myself high. If someone has broken my trust, it is their job to help rebuild it and it wouldn't take just a few months for me. That doesn't mean I'd stay glued to the past. It does mean that I wouldn't let down my guard until my interior self told me it was time and not 1 second before that.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 31st of December 2013 08:50:45 PM

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Until he gets to that point in his program he can't make amends to you or anyone else.

He didn't get that way overnight and it's not going to be all better anytime soon. For the A to remain in recovery he has to work on him and him only for now. Ask somebody like pickchip....he might have more answers I'm sure.

Now you know why we have Al-anon...to take care of you and you only.

farmerswife · Member

wow, I can really relate, as a responsible logical person I have to constantly remind myself this disease has no logic no morals and no compassion. I still love my husband very much, since I know he has manipulated me our entire relationship I know the trust I had cannot be rebuilt it was a blind trust but I believe we can build a new trust an earned trust over time as he works his program and I mine. To me the trust is the hardest part to fix because I never know when Im really dealing with him or if Im dealing with the person he is when the disease has control. Trust your HP no matter what you do you can always trust your HP. :)

wornoutmrsfixit · Senior Member

Good points from all of you. :) Happy New Year! Thanks.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Happy New Year to you. So glad you're here tonight.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

you say________I know it was the disease talking but it came out of my husband's mouth. He did some very unfair things so it's hard to trust that he ever has my best interests at heart. My trust in him is broken and I don't know if it can be repaired. He has come around to the chaos he has created and he is trying to fix things but there is still a lot of denial, minimizing and justifying going on. I want remorse and genuine apologies. Why does that seem to be too much to ask of an alcoholic? I'm tired of always being the bigger person and taking less than I deserve.

***************************

I may be wrong, but the "devil made me do it" thingy does nt' work for me.....my ah#1 was a turd b/c he was a turd...sober or drunk......my ah#2 was a nice guy...drunk and sober, i just didn't want to see him die from the drink, so i ended it w/him

you have a right to not trust him......probation would be the order for me...depending on what he did, for me, the deal breakers are : abuse adultery substance abuse any of those 3 and i am gone......no more 2nd chances......my coda is in remission, so i don't go back for 2nd time being screwed.......if he is really trying to make amends, there woudl be no justifying...there would be humility, remourse and a desire for change and working towards that change..........i dont' know the whole pic, but maybe you are seeing red flags???? listen to yourself and your guts......and i can relate to the "taking less then I deserve" been there done that and i am DONE with it.....

keep working on you, let alanon be your life partner and as you grow and learn and discover self love , these answerswill come to you.....

PEACE and i can so relate to what u r sayin

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

The way I feel is for me to trust and believe my stbax it is going to take a long time and consistency and that is ok. I'm not required to believe someone just because all of a sudden they work a program of recovery. In my case he's not .. still of he was it .. it's going to take time and working my own program. My esh would be let time guide you. Let his actions speak and show you who he is and not his words. Hugs ..

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

He has what?...6 months sober? Less? I would expect limited insight and culpability. Your sons are grown and they are not you so there is no need to reunite for them. I understand your hesitations and feelings perfectly. I would hope your adult children would not be so obtuse but maybe they have some of his magical thinking character defects...like "no drinking all better now." Their relationship with him as their dad is also so very different. They would not have near the need for the red flags as they want their dad back and, to them, he is back to being mostly what they need. They would not be the one's to have to eat, sleep, and deal with him each day. They would not bear the brunt of a potential relapse as you would. For you, he subjected you to mental abuse, terrorized you, didn't seek recovery when the relationship was deteriorating and then separating and only did it when almost jailed. He did that after having made vows to honor and respect you and it sank some of your dreams. This also occurred 35 years in when you had become more intertwined with him. It was torture just to move out. Probably, he will understand and grasp the severity of it over a couple years if and only if he works his program and the steps hard. Right now he's still all about self even with moments of seeming back to normal. I think emotional sobriety settles in more in years 2 and 3. In the first year there is a giant scramble to get out of the wreckage. If his recovery is too fast, that is not good because he'd be more vulnerable to throwing it away fast also. I would stay out of the way of his forming deeper emotional sobriety. You owe that to both of you. Just my 2 cents. I'm happy for him and your family though. Sounds like big improvements. Just beware of what we in the rehab biz call "flight into health" which is the whole "I am all better and I deserve medals and kudos for being semi normal!!" Um..no. TIME = This I Must Earn.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with pinkchip, and my esh is TIME is the only teller of the truth...what really is and what is game....

I was in program for a good couple of years b4, I could say "ok, the worst is behind me and now i just grow and maintain what i gain"

the first year or two for me was like PC said, a scramble to feel better.....

also watch his ethic....is he going to many many meets in a week??? is he studying and working the steps??? is he hungry to change???? is he being honest???? is he focusing on the solution????

actions not words....what is he DOING to make things better??? and yea, the kids want their dad.....YOU want a husband, a partner, a friend, a trusted ally, a mutual partner in life......is he working on himself to achieve that goal that will take TIME to achieve????

I always said to my sponsees.....actions speak louder then words......do thier actions match the words??? if not, belive the actions......the actions they can't "game you" with...they usually come out with the truth.....

only time and effort on his part for him....and your part in alanon will tell the tale......

I do hope that things can work out for the two of you....it is gonna be a long hard road for both of you......but if he is sincere, it will show......IN TIME

IN SUPPORT

wornoutmrsfixit · Senior Member

Thanks so much. You are all right. Time is what we need and I was okay with that up until it was time to turn the page on the calendar. So silly.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I can relate to this. I left my ex ah and stayed in this weird limbo land where we were kind of together but apart. He started drinking again and it was like a switch turned off somewhere inside, that was it for me, over. It took me a while to tell him how I felt and that my feelings for him were gone, and they were, completely gone. I cared for him, as in I didnt want anything to happen to him but I saw him for the man he was, instead of the man I wanted or imagined him to be. All the horrible, alcoholic behaviours came into view for me and I realised that the love that he swore he had for me, wasnt my idea of love. His love for me was based on him, he loved me to stop his lonliness, he loved me to take care of him, the home, the family, he loved me for all I could do and give him in his life. A kind of distorted, selfish, child like love, in my opinion. I realised that our time apart and my program had changed me, I was becoming me rather than the me designed for him, I was getting to like me and I knew that if I tried again with him I would slowly become a person for him all over again. He was a great manipulator, especially when I didnt really know he was but you cant unsee what youve seen. I didnt want to close my mind again and I think I would have had to if I was going to save our relationship. It wasnt worth it.
My children tried to put the pressure on me, they still do from time to time, but they are all over the age of 16 and I think they are seing the benefit from a healthier, happier mum. They are growing up, living their own lifes, in the next few years they may be even thinking of their own families, so no my decision about their dad would never be based on them, this is my life, ive already lived quite a large portion of it for other people, it ended badly so I live for me for the most part.

My ex put lots of effort into trying to get me back, first it was emotional blackmail, then pleading and pestering me, then using the past to try to take me hostage, you know, those guilt periods in your life, then blame and anger, then the program of aa, admitting his part, wanting to make amends, showing some growth spiritually, however, all this good stuff was mixed in with the same bad temper, anger, lack of coping skills, frustration, selfishness. His program is not really an honest one, he still smokes cannabis, so I think I have all the information I need to know the life I would have if we got back together and im okay with it now. Limbo land is a hard place to be, take same time to work out what you want, not your kids or your husband, you.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Happy New Year today, WOMFI: Today is a whole new day to start writing the next chapter in your new life! (((Hugs)))

wornoutmrsfixit · Senior Member

Great points el-cee. I see a lot of similarities between our situations.

wornoutmrsfixit · Senior Member

Thanks grateful 2be.

Same to you.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

smile

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

Thanks for sharing your feelings and an example of the kinds of feeling a spouse can feel during their mate's early sobriety. Boy do I ever remember the feelings you are feeling right now. You are not alone! I remember thinking... is that all there is? He made amends to me in one sentence. He basically told me he was "sorry for everything." I felt for all the anguish, worry, near death encounters (his and mine), loss of quality time together, he might muster up a few more words and a few more particulars concerning his part in it all. I felt disappointed and I felt resentful. I would relate it to going to a good movie that I'd heard about and somebody cutting out the happy ending. If this was was sobriety looked like... I felt I was being gipped! I wanted a refund and the time I spent returned to me! I had so little time in Alanon and so little understanding of what I might be doing for myself as an individual to be happy. I had a vision of what a marriage "should" look like and as unhealthy as I was... when he wanted to give me stuff and fly us to an exotic destination to see the sites... I knew that wouldn't solve anything. I wanted to talk about feelings. OMG! That was the last thing he wanted to do. Today, because I've worked the Alanon program and made my own inventory of wrongs and felt a bit of guilt and shame concerning my behavior.. I feel some compassion and empathy for where my exah was at emotionally when he was newly sober.

I wish I had more faith in a higher power and more humility at that time but it's water under the bridge now. In early sobriety, my exah was struggling effects alcoholism in physical, emotional and spiritual ways.

My recovering abf describes early sobriety to me this way. You wake up and either remember what you did or don't remember when someone else tells you about it. Either way, it's scary and painful and you need time to think about it all and what to do with it all but all you can think about is wanting that drink or drug that use to help you push uncomfortable feelings away. He's told me that he use to sit in AA meetings when he was new and never share just listen. He thanks his higher power today that he kept coming back until he could find his voice again, a sponsor and get to know who he is without reaching for alcohol at the rise of every uncomfortable feeling.

I resented needing to come to Alanon when it was first suggested to me. I thought there were better ways to spend my time and that if there was no alcoholics/addicts in my life I would be off somewhere enjoying life 24/7 like the rest of the world (like the rest of the world has nonstop happiness huh lol) It's been such a gift to continue working on myself. This program really helps with not being afraid to make decisions that honor myself and other people. The fog lifts for us too not just the alcoholics. Everyone recovers at their own pace in their own time with their own higher power guiding them. I like that about recovery. There's no map of where I should be at due to my time in recovery. Every day I get to wake up and just stay in the day and pray for my hp's will for me for that day and offer gratitude for the day, people in it and all it's lessons (even if some weren't too enjoyable lol) before I go to sleep at night.

The Alanon suggestion is that people new to the program not make any major life changes until they've been in the program at least six months unless a person is in a violent situation. Of course everything in Alanon is only suggested. From my experience, in person Alanon meetings and open AA which welcomed family members of alcoholics offered a lots of insight. I wish you and your husband continued health and much happiness in the coming year. Thanks for your share. TT

wornoutmrsfixit · Senior Member

Thanks TT. You summed the feeling up very well. That's it??!! :/ I appreciate your insights based on experience and knowing you understand my confusing feelings.

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

This post makes me think of something that comes to mind quite often lately it seems. Best way to describe: movie scene where wife discovers spouse has had an affair but affair is over and spouse expects everything to go back to normal, expects wife to forgive and forget just because an apology has been uttered. Cheating spouse tries to be touchy only to have wife pull away or not respond the way he expects/wants. Anger erupts, "that was in the past, can't we move beyond it" type of talk and he makes it all her fault because she can't forgive and forget. Humans are not capable of just forgetting something happened; we cannot be forced or guilted into forgetting just because someone SAID they are sorry. SAID TO ME uses just words - SHOW ME uses actions, which we all know speaks louder than words, and the same actions repeated repeatedly. My ex would destroy me the night before with horrible words screamed at me, then get up in the morning and actually say - "what's wrong with you?".

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