The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My a b/f has been renting a room from me for the last several maths a b/f is not active in his drinking right now he had been bidding his bottles in my barn thinking I would not find them but I did stumble upon his bottles I knew he was acting diff. In the afternoons when he got in from work but I really could not put my finger on it until walla there was my answer to his foolishness hidden bottles he was tipsy all along but just in the last few weeks he told me that he couldn't stand to drink any more so I guess he knew I'd found his bottles somehow I never told him I'd found his bottles I just ignored it all pretty much except I didn't and wasn't gonna ignore his changed behavior but I never really got the chance to confront him about any of it now he is completely abstinate,I'm either gonna marry him or tell him he has to leave from my home one or the other so I've decided that I'll marry him I've done been married two x and failed cause of their using,this time I'm planning it out with me a backdoor e/it should he relapse back into his addictionsimI'm going to my lawyer to get or see about a prenup and have put in my prenup about his using that if he should go back to it that I have all rights to make him leave the either it be mine or our promises and what ever else I need to have put in there I need all the esh I can get here on that and I'm also planning on going down to the police station to ask if they honor a prenup in such a case,he is such a good man sober which he is stayed thus far I've broken it off with him soonmany times cause of his addictions,now I'm anticipateig marrying him I just hope it all works out with my preplanning prenuptial agreement in force plz I need lots of esh here,,,,hugs chinup
Dear Chin up Marriage is a difficullt relationship with or without pre nups. There are no guarantees that there will be Happy Ever After for any of us. I would urge you to increase your alanon meetings, pray
about it and most importantly make a Pro and Con list to help determine your right action.
Good Luck in 2014
-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 31st of December 2013 07:40:33 AM
Dear Chin Up--
I agree with Hot Rod. Marriage is an intense experience and there are definitely no guarantees. Time is so important in these situations--time to see how he can build a recovery-entered lifestyle, time for both of you to solidly work a program, time to heal from your past marriages that have not worked out. I learned first hand that marriage is not a "fix" and that most of the time issues become more intense in the level of commitment that is marriage.
Go to lots of meetings, get a sponsor, and pray for your HP to guide you.
Best!
Crazycatlady
Thanx for the esh marriage is serious I'd like to get married and I now am up against my faith of having to tell him he has got to get his own place that he can't live here under my roof and us not be married though that's exactly what he wants is for me to marry him,we are both 50 yrs old and he is a huge help to me here in my home and I do love him a lot. Chin up hugs
Dear Chin up Marriage is a difficullt relationship with or without pre nups. There are no guarantees that there will be Happy Ever After for any of us. I would urge you to increase your alanon meetings, pray
about it and most importantly make a Pro and Con list to help determine your right action.
Good Luck in 2014
-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 31st of December 2013 07:40:33 AM
I agree...Marriage is not a cure all for what ails a relationship........I would really really think and pray on this one....you already know his "warts" do you really want to marry into that????? I understand being 50 you think you are on the edge of the "acceptability" cliff, re: finding a man, but that is not true
being comfy in your own skin should be the priority.....I would go to tons of alanon meets....ask some of the old timers about this if yo don't have a sponsor, which you really really need.....work the steps and find out about you...get to know you in the most intimate and honest way......you can, with working the steps, discover you deserve way better than a risky relationship like this one
if he were in programme several years, sober, I would say "ok, they have a good shot at this" but he is not....you need alanon, he needs AA those 2 things should be your priorities for quite a while
Good luck
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Having experienced and learned so much about alcoholism and recovery and the tools of recovery, here are some of the questions I'd make sure I had answers to before I married someone who had been an addict/alcoholic. (And I think these would go for many people, since so many otherwise good people have fallen into the trap of addiction/alcoholism).
Does the A have a good solid formal program of recovery which he has been working for more than a year, and ideally more than 3-5 years?
Do I see the A working his program of recovery, going to meetings, and doing his best to learn healthier ways of coping?
Has the A been straightforward with me about his addiction, his plans for what happens if he should relapse, and how he plans to keep relapses from happening?
Do I have resources and plans for how I would live life independent of my A, so that I will stay with him only because it is healthy and good for me, not because I am trapped, in the event of relapse?
So I know what my bottom line is, should be relapse, and am I sure I will honor it?
Am I marrying him of my free will, not because of finances, pressure from others, lack of direction in my life, fear, or other reasons?
Am I strong in my own program of recovery, so that I will not fall victim to codependence, fear, or distorted thinking if he does relapse? Have I done the steps, do I attend meetings, etc.? What does my sponsor or trusted advisors think about whether I'm in a good space to marry healthily, no matter who I might be marrying?
I hope that if/when you decide to go ahead you'll get a trustworthy lawyer to draw up the pre-nup -- otherwise it won't be enforceable. Your BF also needs his own lawyer to review the pre-nup, or later he will be able to claim that he didn't have good legal advice and therefore he signed something that shouldn't be valid. If he refuses to do any of this, that's time for further calm talking and explanation. An intended partner should feel that both sides of the pre-nup are fair and he should also see why someone marrying an A, even if abstinent, is wise to be cautious and self-protective. I hope you won't let him bamboozle you into not taking good care of yourself.
Wow you all have gave me such great esh here that its seems overwhelming in such a good way I actually feel like now I know there's great alanoners out there that cares about me and others like me,words can't express how grateful I am for all this awesome esh but I can tell ya that you all here matter most of all when mylife gets in ssuch a rut I always know I can come here.......bear hugs...looking up
Wow you all have gave me such great esh here that its seems overwhelming in such a good way I actually feel like now I know there's great alanoners out there that cares about me and others like me,words can't express how grateful I am for all this awesome esh but I can tell ya that you all here matter most of all when mylife gets in ssuch a rut I always know I can come here.......bear hugs...looking up
Hey Looking.....no worres , glad to be of help....I will do anything i can to help a body who wants to help themselves....you came here b/c you cared enough about you to ASK.....We gave you some pretty tough stuff to think about, I LOVED Matties post to you....says it all....and yea, we are just a bunch of good folks w/common ground of wanting better lives through self discovery and then self love so we take better care of ourselves......
I may not be "crazy" about all i hear on my posts, but I listen...think....everyone can teach me if I am open to learning.....all this program asks is that we be honest....humble enough to at least LOOK at other ideas.....work our steps...practice the slogans....get into meetings so we can hang out with and learn from the others there who share similiar lives.......fellowship and open/honest sharing, ya can't beat it....it feels better to know that i am not alone.....
glad you showed up........happy new year
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
