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Hi all, I am a new user to this site and a little bit nervous but here goes.... I have been with my ABF for nearly six years and living together for 5, I say he is an alcoholic but the truth is I am not sure what he is, a possible binge drinker but is it the same thing? Sorry I don't want to offend anyone with the incorrect terminology.
Anyway I did know he liked a drink when we met but assumed it was just as he was single and liked a good time, by the time I was head over heels I began to realise it was a little more than that. I later on in the relationship began to realise that he had not many friends, only drinking buddies and alcohol was the foremost thing on his mind. To list a few things that have happened I have found him face down in vomit (numerous times), he has smashed his face open when falling, have had to stop him driving when drunk as he had to get somewhere to "settle an argument", punched a car window and ended up in hospital again as ended up slicing his face and hands, have found a fully clothed older drunken woman in my bed (after returning from my mums) who later it turns out had stolen some of my priceless (to me) jewellery, have also been punched in the face, he got angry as I wouldn't let him drive his car. All of these things and many, many more have been while binge drinking. He disappears for hours on end and then comes in as if I am the one who has done something wrong, he has two moods, wants to be loving (which makes me feel angry and ill) or wants to argue and he gets verbally and mentally abusive. He always says he has no or little recollection but I cant believe him, I would certainly remember.....
I have walked out time after time but always come back with the promise of him changing, and the thing is that I do really think he could, so why does he not?
It's very difficult to leave as it is my children's home and schools in the area (he is not their father), I also do my best to "prepare" if I see the signs of another binge, have clothes and school items elsewhere to make a quick exit but I know they do not understand it either. We are all very open and honest with him, the kids also and he wants to be a good step dad and partner and when he is sober he is perfectly capable but at least once a month to three times a month he goes on a binge. This is ruining us and I don't know where to turn. He wont get professional help as he is a lorry driver and worries of the impact on his work, I will say he does not drink before driving, it always coincides with days off but how much longer before that barrier breaks down also?
I know for certain there is a LOT of things I have not mentioned, I don't know how to word this really as all the things that have happened/affected us are just as important as the next thing. I also know what I should do, leave, but I love him, I want him to be the man I know he can be, but to be honest I am feeling more and more defeated and its just getting too hard. I know I have contradicted myself all over the place but I am just so mixed up.
Anyway thanks for listening and letting me vent, any advice thought would help
I think, it doesn't really matter how you classify him; what matters is how his behaviour affects you. And it sounds like his behaviour is pretty awful and it affects you a whole lot.
I live in a similar sort of situation...with a guy who is not my child's father and who sometimes behaves like he wants to be a loving step-dad and partner and at other times, like an abusive drunken monster.
And sometimes he says he'd like to change and sometimes it seems like he could. But he never does.
I don't have a heap of advice for you, being pretty early into my own program but I know I have found a great deal of peace and understanding both here and through alanon. I'd encourage you to stick around here, and read and post and to also seek face to face alanon meetings. I know that both have helped me immeasurably. I can't change him, but I can make a better life for me, no matter what he does! That will, most likely, involve leaving him but the great thing about alanon is that no-one is going to tell you that you have to do that. If it's what you need to do, you'll come to that decision in your own time because it is right for you.
Big hugs. Glad you are here!!
Sounds like you are in thr right place someone's drinking is having a negative impact on you.
You could be telling my story, I have been coming to Al anon for 6 years my partner was a binge drinker.
I never thought he was an alcoholic because he never drank every day. In your share I have experienced all you mention above, and it horrible and sad I know.
but there is help and hope.
I would suggest you find your nearest al anon meetings and get to as many as you can.
Al anon is the best decision I ever made. I was so sad and lonely, my family and friends kept telling me to leave but i loved him. In al anon people understand because they are expereincing the same thing. No one gives advice they just share their experiences strength and hope what they have done and what worked for them, you can take what you like and leave the rest.
My partners drinking got worse I have learnt in Al anon that alcoholism is a disease that does get worse, Al anon really helped me to understand what I was dealing with and the role I was playing.
But there is hope my partner is sober today has been for 16 months but that is his story. Al anon gave me my sanity and happiness back and I learnt how to live again if he made it or not.
I was really emotionally unwell today I am happy again. I learnt what I could and could not change and learnt how to love and care for myself. Its been an amazing journey.
Why am I still here? because I am still learning and also I want to support people like you as people supported me.
sending you lots of hugs,
lets us know if you can get to a face to face meeting
Hi Hopingfor, welcome to the site,and this family group. My AW is a binge drinker, now in recovery. One or two nights a week she would buy a bottle of vodka on the way home from work and down most of it, pass out on the couch, and not remember it in the morning. She would have blackouts, much as your ABF is having, not remember the night before, and swear on a stack of bibles she couldn't have been drinking.
After awhile it became 2-3 nights a week, then after awhile she would keep drinking so that she was still drunk the next day. That's when she was picked up for DUI. She always would get worse. And so do all alcoholics since it is a progressive disease. So it very likely is just a matter of time before he is drunk and driving around a large commercial vehicle. It could be days, or it could be years, by it will happen.
I joined Alanon and vote lots of education in how alcoholism works. I am now able to escape the craziness when I need to, and am learning how to not just react to crises but to manage my life! I am also learning how to set boundaries for what I think is acceptable or unacceptable behavior, and not let AW cross them without real consequences.
I hope you can find an Alanon meeting, they are full of people in similar situations who can share with you and support you.
You will find lots of people here who listen and who understand like no others. You don't need to worry about what you have not mentioned, you have mentioned enough for us to recognise awful behaviour that we are all, sadly, familiar with. It is a very difficult journey and it has helped me a lot to read other peoples stories here and learn from how they react (or don't react!).
I have stayed with my husband and he has also behaved abusively. I thought that I was strong and could put up with it. I wasn't nearly as strong as I thought I was! I wish that I had been brave enough to protect my self esteem earlier - we might both have benefitted I think.
Alanon face to face helped me to look at myself and in meeting others whose lives were similar to mine I started to recognise how I was being affected. I like and admire you for recognising how your own feelings have altered in your post.
I hope that you will stay with us for a while. You are not alone. Take the best possible care of yourself. Sending (((((((hugs))))))))
Hello and welcome to MIP. Alcohol is number one in his life. His binges will become more often. It may take months. It may take years. But it will get worse and not better... unless he decides not to drink.
We all have choices. You will have to make lots of choices. Educate yourself.
I didn't know about alcoholism until I started to read, read, read!! I read everything I could get my hands on. Lots of web sites. I learned things that did not fit my circumstances and loads of stuff that did.
Hello and welcome to MIP. Alcohol is number one in his life. His binges will become more often. It may take months. It may take years. But it will get worse and not better... unless he decides not to drink.
We all have choices. You will have to make lots of choices. Educate yourself.
I didn't know about alcoholism until I started to read, read, read!!
yep...his road is only going to lead to , if he does not stop, job loss, health problems, legal problems and eventually disability and death......that is what I was looking at when i was married to my TWO (yes, I messed up twice and married two of them) alcoholics.....
Something inside of me w/AH #2 , even tho he was sweet to me, he was drinkng himself to an early grave.....My ??? tome were.......do I want to be an end of life care giver to this man, who like my mother (she drank her self to death) is drinking himself into the ground, could give a CRAP about me when he wants his booze, even tho he was good tome, I was 2nd to the bottle....jack daniels and coke...makes me want to vomit thinking about it....I just ASKED me one day.......is THIS what you want??? do you want to do "end of life care" AGAIN to another drunk?? like mom???? I said no....no more cleaning up puke, no more calls from jails to bail him out (AH#1) and my refusing to help him and taking the abuse for not enabling him, Oh i could go on and on what it was like living w/active alcoholics an NO MORE
I can't even be around the stuff, but for a glass of wine or a can of beer, b4 my dinner, I can't STAND the crap....if restaurants served you immediately, I wold not do the b4 dinner drink most likely, but i hate soda pop, they never have the REAL juices I like so i sip a beer or glass of wine,....food comes?? i tell them to take the drink and give me some more water
really, I feel for the addicts...I feel sorry for them, but I would never "go back there" never again.....I love my peace....vomit free bathrooms, trash cans not overflowing w/empty beer cans or stinking bottles of whiskey on my kitchen counters....the slurring speach, non sensical conversations......the "poor me" or the "its not my fault my life sucks" attitude........
if they don't get into AA and QUIT the booze, they have no chance of a life...really, they are the walking dead and its sooo sooo sad because AA is FREE....alanon is free.....12 steps are free......but they are like in the grips of something so dark, that only AA and God can free them....I cannot
I have a beloved brother whom i absolutely adore, hes my best male buddy....we dated each others friends....I have his pals on my cell phone, the sober ones who, god bless them, enable him becuz they dont' realize they are really hindering him from being forced into recovery, but I am powerless....
I didn't cause his drinking
I cannot control his drinking
I cannot change him
I dam well can't cure him
so i have to let go...let God...work my program......he disappears on his "sabbaticals" of drinking...sitting in his truck in zero degrees weather, drinking till he either runs out or gets so sick he can't ingest anymore and spends days in "dry out" mode trying to get himself to gether so he can work...........it breaks my heart......i am losing him...........is this the year he dies????
I did send him to a doc..and i paid for his blood work....doc sent me copies and i could see his liver enzymes were waay up....doc told me his liver is enlarged.....first signs of death knocking at his door
sooo I cried and prayed and got immediately into a meeting, called my sponsor , worked step 3 till i was exhausted, but I CAN let go.....I CAN give him over.....I CAN not let it disrupt my life.....I am losing him if this does not stop.......that is fact..........and the only fact for me???? work my program and take care of me......b/co one day, I will be burying him.......I and his best friend from highschool are the ones who will take care of his estate......oh i "really look forward" to going back to MA to bury my brother.......yea, right!!!
I hope you stay in program......it is our life line.........it is our sanity..............
PEACE
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Welcome to Miracles In Progress (MIP). That is what we are...and what you are...I think that is what Draws us in and keeps us here. We all move at our own pace and do what is right for us...what *feels* right for us at the time. Please keep coming back and do your very best to go to face to face meetings. There is something special about sharing...i find that It clarifies my thoughts and I think of things I would not have thought of otherwise.
I do understand that you have mixed up feelings. There is this immense love, but at the same time, immense sadness and loneliness. I felt it too because that person that I love, that really loves back treated me like a piece of crap. It didn't make sense but it still was. My Alcoholic Husband verbally and mentally abused me. He had a very bad temper, went to the hospital by ambulance 3 times because he had done drugs and was comatose. I had such poor self esteem due to the verbal and mental abuse, and had cut off my family so I had not one person I felt like i could turn to. (I was wrong btw)
I now realize that no matter how much I loved him, or love him, this is HIS journey. This is HIS life. We are two separate entities. I learned that after finally leaving him (for a brief 3 months). I might not have left if I had not gotten so emotionally unstable that I was a danger to myself. My question to you is....at what point is your alcoholic a danger to you?? Is it worth it? If you have a wonderful pet Rottweiler (which I just love BTW) and it turns on you and attacks you....how many chances do you give it? You still love it deeply...there is no denying that ....but do you give it the chance to hurt you again.
(my AH went to rehab...and I returned home) I realized after having been physically separated, that then two CAN exist at the same time. I CAN love him deeply, but NOT live with him. The two facts don't negate each other.
I did return home...because he treated me better. He didn't "promise" to treat me better. I had even considered getting a divorce (for finances primarily). I figured, if and when he wants to get his act together - we can get remarried. If this was a perfect world and you love him and he loves you he would understand why you would want to move out for a while (because he punched you because he drank..and he won't stop drinking). But we both know that it is not a perfect world. But why should you suffer? Better yet, if you feel like you are in in way shape or form in danger....(in a perfect world) would you leave?
This thing about a "perfect world" I realize now as I type this how cockeyed my reality was. Things that should NEVER EVER EVER be tolerated seemed routine. That is why it is so very important to go to meetings and connect with others in your shoes. We have been through what you have been through and will never judge you. We will never tell you what to do. But we can tell you about our Experiences, try to Strengthen your spirit, and give you HOPE for your future.
I would encourage you to consider how much time you spend thinking about your life outside of the grip of alcoholism and its effects. I spent 110% of my brain power on what I could do, should do, can't do in regards to my AH and the effects of drinking. Now that I am in alanon, even though my husband drinks, I probably spend about 10% on the effects of alcohol on my life. I now work on my OWN issues, I think about church, or my meetings, or texting my friends. I love him and I support him when I can, but he is no longer my obsession.
I also want to mention that alcoholism is a Disease. It is not something they can just decide to do or not do. It is not really about willpower, and it has absolutely NOTHING to do with how much he loves you. It is like having and itch you can't scratch. That being said. There are tools (ie. the 12 steps) that help them (and us) cope. But HE needs to decide for himself. You can lead a horse to water...but you can't make him drink (no pun intended) ; )
You need to worry about you, and the rest will fall into place.
" would encourage you to consider how much time you spend thinking about your life outside of the grip of alcoholism and its effects. I spent 110% of my brain power on what I could do, should do, can't do in regards to my AH and the effects of drinking. Now that I am in alanon, even though my husband drinks, I probably spend about 10% on the effects of alcohol on my life. I now work on my OWN issues, I think about church, or my meetings, or texting my friends. I love him and I support him when I can, but he is no longer my obsession. "
This is such a great post. I cannot wait to her to a place where I look at my wife and don't want to pull her close and make everything ok. I feel like she occupies so much of my Brain I can hardly breath and now heartbreak occupies the same space. I can't wait to feel what detached is. I can't wait to be free of loving her more than me.
Hello. The family has already all shared with you some very honest and helpful suggestions. I just want to say, "Welcome. Happy New Year. Keep coming back."
I would like to thank each and every one of you for taking the time to view/reply to my post.
I am deeply grateful for all the sharing and realise how far some people have come, It also appears some (like me) still have a long way to go! I am really relieved that it appears I won't have to go through it alone.
I have taken the last couple of days to re/re-read and read again the replies, taking what I need from them for now to get me through and storing what I will most definitely need for later! My first meeting will be next Wednesday, am very nervous to say the least but after trying to get my feelings across to the ABF and him not being (willing/able?) to understand I have decided that I need someone who does understand to support me and help me learn to get through it all, and if they cannot, at least listen without judging. The hurt is not getting any easier at the moment but I am hoping in the future it will.
On another note the ABF decided after his last binge he would never darken the doors of a pub again, 5 days later he was there after he finished work, only for a couple (and it actually was!) but I now realise that it wont be long before he" thinks" he can control his drinking and the cycle will start again. While normally I would be feeling lonely, worried, let down and all that goes along with it, you have all helped me realise that I have somewhere to go, people to listen and until I can get a face to face meeting, somewhere I belong.
Love to you all X
What a great start to recovery. Never depend on the A....because your not going to be able to find what you looking for there. Al-anon and MIP is your recovery and then when you have practice and progress under your belt you will be able to deal better your AH.
So detach with love and kindness, let go and let HP take care of him...and ask HP to take care of YOU.
(((( hugs ))))
-- Edited by Cathyinaz on Thursday 2nd of January 2014 09:51:41 AM
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
That's it, keep it up, much of this is so simple once we understand, as said by so many above, that A is the number one thing in their life, and will continue to be #1 until they get off it. All other priorities in their life will become subservient to it sooner or later.
There are also on-line meetings here at 9 AM and 9 PM. See the second link down in the upper-left hand corner of this page.
