The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH and I have a 9-month-old baby. We love him more than anything and are great parents, except to the extent that our problems may affect him. I want to know whether anyone has had major power struggles with an A and has been able to heal the relationship. My husband hasn't had anything to drink in about 10 years, but since being laid off work 2 years ago he has been acting more and more like a "dry drunk." He is not a person who generally wants to control others, but in the last year he has been increasingly controlling of me. That is the most pronounced and most worrisome aspect of his behavior. He tells me when and where to work (I'm a lawyer, I have a long commute, and my boss lets me telecommute 2 days/week because it helps productivity.) AH says that when I work from home it makes him feel like the "nanny," because he is unemployed and cares for our baby. He won't consent to daycare or babysitter, so the only option according to him is to have me travel the 150-mile round trip (so I'm not at home working and he doesn't feel like the nanny), or have me stay home with the baby while he leaves, and not work until he says that I can. He sleeps until noon and won't look for work or do chores, though he does take good care of the baby once he's up and about. He will not let me be around our son unless and until he wants to take a break-- even though he takes no issue with my parenting. He has also taken to doing little things to upset me and then monitoring my reaction. For instance, I have some fear of people sneaking up on me ever since I was kidnapped in my car by a stranger with a gun and had to escape. AH has begun sneaking up on me and if I tell him firmly but respectfully not to do it, and remind him why it bothers me, he gets very angry with me for "complaining" about him, pouts, and often he'll leave the house in the middle of the night with me and the baby at home. It's a bit like shoving someone and then getting mad at them for falling. I get the sense I am supposed to tolerate things I cannot, because I he has some need to control me. I wonder how much worse it will get. I wonder whether it will become unhealthy for our son. I'd like to heal and stay married, but I don't want to subject our son to an unhealthy environment while we try to heal something we can't. AH was not like this 8 or even 5 years ago while we were dating. About a month ago he started going back to AA weekly, because he has a friend who's started the program and he's taking his friend. Is there hope he'll be in recovery again and that we'll heal? Should I do al-anon even though there are no meeting times that are at all convenient for me? Our marriage counseling isn't helping. Is there hope?
Maybe Al-Anon for both of you??? I'm smiling as I say this because in some ways his focus on you and what you are doing and not doing is what some of us in Al-Anon do until we begin recovery. It is good that he's returning to AA - that will give him an outlet. As for you, we suggest trying at least 6 meetings before you decide whether or not Al-Anon is right for you. Considering that he is an alcoholic and his issues are bothering you, Al-Anon might be a welcome relief and positive solution for you? Lots of encouragement and support in standing your ground and doing what you know is best for you.
I am glad that you shared. Your observations, clarity and understanding of the actions of your partner are powerful and clear, It too would suggest that you search out alanon face to face meetings and attend. The hot line number is in the White pages.
We have on line meetings here 2xs a day and they are a great support.
Alcoholism is a physical, emotional and spiritual disease Even if the drinking stops the disease is still alive and thriving unless a program of recovery is engaged. Alanon, is a recovery program for those who have lived with the disease. We too become affected by trying to keep the peace conform to insanity and we need to reclaim ourselves, Alanon will suggest that you make no major life changes until you are in program for at least 6 months That is so you can regain your sense of self, know what you need and have the support to reclaim your life.
It certainly sounds like a great deal of"Gas lighting" behavior being engaged in by your partner and that is not a healthy way to live.
Please keep coming back You are not alone.
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 30th of December 2013 08:55:54 PM
i agree with grateful and Betty. Perhaps he has relapsed, but whether he has or not, take care of you by attending al anon meetings...you will be introduced to the spiritual practice of the 12 steps and a community of people who know you without ever having met you. Through the wisdom of the program you will get the answers you are seeking. Read through the many posts here and soak up the knowledge....gather data just like you do in your profession. Keep coming back here for our support. There is always hope.
Comparing this to drinking shares makes this sound exactly the same...Dry Drunk vs Wet? seems the behavior is the same and that maybe a counselor is appropriate now. Just my 2 cents. I use to be one...a behaviorist and based on your information I'll say his behavior is in need of investigation with a professional. ((((hugs))))
I love the ESH you received from the others, al-anon is very helpful for dealing with A's wet or dry. I know what it is like to have someone trying to control and it is indeed a problem hence your red flags, I am glad you are listening to your feelings. I am sending you much love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I have read all these replies many times and am now reading other posts-- thank you so much, each of you, for your words and support. I think I'll want to find an al-anon group, but I'm going to start with online meetings. I wonder whether the book "Getting Them Sober" might be of use, even though he isn't actively drinking?
In a different post someone mentioned that her A husband was happy, friendly and lively when she met him, and that (while sober) he slowly became sullen and withdrawn. My husband has progressed the same way. He stopped drinking a couple years before I met him; when I first knew him, he was energetic and industrious and happy and just a great companion. But he has become quite sullen and moody and resentful and extremely withdrawn. Is that a common experience for long-time sober people? Do they come back from it?
I guess I can't predict the future. My plan is to start waking up even earlier, start running again and start reading novels and writing again, meet some other parents and get some play-dates and new friendships for me and my son (and my husband too, if he wants to come along). I live a couple blocks from a charity that helps babies and small children from high-risk households, several local lawyers and judges are involved with it, and I used to be a nanny-- maybe I could volunteer there sometimes.
In short, I see how tolerable I might make my life each day or week, even with this man in it behaving the way he does. I'm still worried about our future, our long-term financial stability and long-term effects that all of this might have on our son, so it's hard to just trust in these daily efforts that seem like minutia. I'm also so busy; spending a half hour on a revived hobby seems pointless, when I could be folding the laundry or taking care of one of our urgent administrative matters. But the wisdom on this board seems to point toward controlling one's own self, not the other person. With all our power struggles, I need to sort out which is which.
