The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So I really thought I was doing better than I am. My marriage of 30 years came to a sudden end when my emotionally abusive AH started drinking again. He got angrier and more verbally abusive quickly. He was dry for 20 years, started drinking again and then filed for divorce. And I quit reacting. I worked the program hard and looked to my higher power for guidance. I've struggled wondering if I detached too quickly. we had struggled for years and then it all came to a head. I am getting healthier and yet today, I realized that he is in a new relationship. Me, I'm taking my time while I work on myself. All good stuff right????? How come my new discovery (his dating) has me in free fall. I should be happy that his abusiveness will not touch me anymore. I guess it's normal to feel hurt that he moved on so quickly. Why did I waste 30+ years?
I need to work on trusting HP and forgiving myself right??? God, I ask you, what is your plan for me? Right now I am seriously humbled by how quickly I can go right back to my own disease.
Personally, I think it is totally normal to have these kinds of feelings when someone has moved on so quickly. It's like being replaced in ways that don't feel good. I think too I have a fear of omgosh what if he gets better while he's with this other person and it really was ME!? Plus again .. how come he's as sick as he is and he can find someone and I can't! ? All completely normal thoughts in the insanity of the disease. I try and stay focused on if nothing changes .. nothing changes and I have to admit I figure the next woman involved since he's active has to be very ill and doesn't have a clue what she's in for ..and on that note I'm very very glad not to be involved with him. Hugs
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
It is very understandable that you are feeling saddened by the news that your partner of 30 years has moved on. Grieving is a difficult process so I urge you to honor your feelings, share them as you have just done and trust that they will lift and you will feel freer and whole shortly
Keep using your program, practicing the tools,especially the Steps and before you know it ,you will be walking down a different road with courage, serenity and a great deal of earned wisdom
Milehi we take it personal because it all was personal...how could I not? I found out as long as I had memory I would never be divorced until I learned that I really did ever "need" her....I wanted her and chose her and married her and still never needed her. I was created whole from the very start and never knew it until program. Today with my present wife...she knows that I love her and I like having her here in this life together and still I don't need her...I am responsible and can do my life (am supposed to anyway) very well outside of contract. My first addict, my counselor told me was a prime example of "love not returned". Wishing for and wanting someone else to verify me and make me feel whole and happy is a crap shoot (the gambling game) even on good days...they have their own wants, needs and decisions and lotsa times those don't include me and are honestly not suppose to. Waiting for the next shoe drop was horrible for me...it imprisoned my mind and spirit...I killed all my expectations and stopped listening for things that would hurt me...I keep admitting I am powerless and that works just fine and when love gets returned it feels pleasant and normal. Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
My x moved on quickly, too. He dated one gal I really liked who ended it after she got to know him. He married another gal I also really liked and walked out on her when she was 8 months pregnant. She moved on with a guy who was really right for her. My x died single.
After working 30 years to stay within the confines of a marriage - even a damaging one - can still lead us to feel a sense of loss and like the bottom has dropped out. You'll find your sea legs again and you will be glad to be away from the abuse from the bottoms of your feet to the crown of your head. It'll take a little time, but you'll get there.
Wow, I love what Jerry shared here. It really helped me see that we are complete and that we are created 'not to be needed' but to serve and love others the way our HP loves us as the complete humans whom we are. I have no idea if that made sense, LOL, but I can feel the power of what he wrote and I do hope that it helped you, Milehi! Hugs and prayers to you, you got some wonderful support here!
I can't add much to this wisdom you already got, but just saying i can relate...when my 2nd Ex was already shacking up w/another lady when i asked him to leave, 6 wks, later she moved in w/him, I was like "whaaat???" but ya know, I asked him to leave so he had a right.....
yea, it was a "start" to be replaced so quicky, but thats life.....and i like what Jerry says... to me, needing someone puts a terrible burden on them becuz it is a big enough struggle trying to meet ones own needs, oh i don't mean if i get sick, its not ok for me "need" a boost or a bit of support, but i am talking about being in NEED of another......it sets me up for hurt b/c people leave...they can die...leave...move on....in any number of ways, we gain and we lose people.......
i like to think of all being "inter-dependent" on each other....we are little parts of this great big network in the universe, and we are , if we are healthy, inter-dependent on each other in that a helping hand is "ok" to give and receive, but when we become "dependent" on a person, then its a slippery slope....
I depend on me, my HP and programme and INTERdependent w/my loved ones...and i am always ready to let go if i need to....that cuts down on the resentments....
I wish my EX, the good one who replaced me so quickly, I wish him well...we were not a match anymore so i wish him well wherever he is and whatever he is doing.....the other, nasty one, i wish him well, too...and whatever karma he made by abusing me, I am sure what goes around comes around and i can let go of and DID let go of the hate and resentment for him b/c i just was ready to move on, take out the trash and be done with it.....whatever lessons he needed/needs are in the charge of his creator....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
From "The bottoms of my feet to the crown of my head" I appreciate ALL the support and strength given. All of you here who regularly take the time to give of yourselves (00's and 000's of replies) you are ALL AMAZING. And, its true I am living my own personal hell - as so many others are as well. But even in all the pain, I recognize that there is a certain amount of beauty that comes from all of this. Hopefully, I will get to the other side and be better for it.
You will get to the other side.... and then have compassion for her. She is now the recipient of what you used to have. Ugh. Poor her.
You are still grieving the loss of your dream..... a wonderful marriage to a wonderful man. Okay, get rid of the "wonderful's" and put in "good". Still a loss of your dream.
