The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My 38 y/o daughter just lost her very well paying job due to lateness to work because of drinking the night before. This happened almost 2 weeks ago. Today she told me it was my fault because I did not stop her from drinking when she was in high school. I am so tired of the whole scene.
Oh my. Does that sound familiar. My daughter almost brags about the drinking she did in high school. I honestly had no idea that it was going on until she got arrested at 17 for being drunk in public. She was drinking in her room with her girlfriend when she would 'spend the night'. All innocent I thought.
Last week I got a call that her daughter wasn't picked up from daycare. Made a few phone calls and guess what. She had been arrested at 1 in the afternoon with a BAC of 287. Her second DUI by the way. She is monumentally screwed.
She has (for the moment) a good job...she has a degree. She is, when she is sober, a good mother. They live with us and I am ready for her to get out. If it wasn;t for my granddaughter I would have kicked her out a while ago. Lost her apartment because of the first OUI. I'm never going to drink again, blah blah.
So what are parents to do? I know I have no control over her drinking but...
Does your daughter live with you and is she re-employable?
And she probably said that gem of wisdom and insight while deep in her cups. Alcoholics are the folks that find themselves in a hole and they keep digging. Because nothing beats being unemployed except maybe being unemployed and alienating your mother right? Sigh.
And she probably said that gem of wisdom and insight while deep in her cups. Alcoholics are the folks that find themselves in a hole and they keep digging. Because nothing beats being unemployed except maybe being unemployed and alienating your mother right? Sigh.
soooo sooooo true...........its ALWAYS someone elses fault......my EX AH#1....Nothing was EVER his fault...when he crashed his new toyota, it was the a-hole in front of him going too slow......it was always some elses fault......and when he lost his job as #2 mgr. of a very nice holiday inn hotel???? it was the mgr. #1's fault, he was picking on him......oh yea, RIGHT!!!!!
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Annnnd...something "bad" always happens to them that is also not their fault, to make them drink. Mind you this could be anything from a hangnail to a death in the family (many years ago even) but it is always the reason. Not that they are alcoholics.
My son said he was an alcoholic because I'd been telling him he was one since he was three. I didn't even know there were alcoholics in the family then. I was in denial. I did take his sister and him both to Alateen when they were teens, but only to help them cope with their own father's addictions. I had no idea then that my son would drink or use drugs. But, still - it was my fault. Everything was my fault - still is in his eyes. I figure it will stay that way until he decides he wants to change how he's living. I know I didn't cause his disease. I can't control his disease. I can't cure his disease. I can pray for him. I can separate myself from the disease. I can accept that he is an alcoholic and an addict doing what an alcoholic and an addict do. I can let him suffer the consequences of his disease. I can also learn to separate the disease from the person who has it. I can choose not to argue with what the disease says or accept what it says as true, too. Alcoholism is a disease of lies. We don't have to believe the lies. Keep coming back. We understand the exhaustion. We also work to regain our enthusiasm for life whether or not our adult child continues to use.
Welcome to MIP! So glad you are here! If you go to face to face Al-Anon, good for you, if not, I encourage you to seek out meetings in your areal:) Al-Anon will teach you things like this:
I didn't Cause it. I can't Cure it. I can't Control it.
among so many other tools to not take on your daughters blame:)
MY 48 year old son here in Hawaii and 48 year old nephew in CA...both just went back out...and "I didn't cause it, Cannot control it and won't ever cure it. support, pray, stand against the disease...yes and the 3Cs still remain. (((hugs)))
Annnnd...something "bad" always happens to them that is also not their fault, to make them drink. Mind you this could be anything from a hangnail to a death in the family (many years ago even) but it is always the reason. Not that they are alcoholics.
LOL "hangnail" omg, i get those things terrible, all the time, lol...didn't mean to laugh, hope it is not out of line to do so, but i got 2 of em on my nails and gotta get the scissors to clip em off..........and yea, I , as a coda/aca always felt life was "out to get me" so the sickness can happen in aca/coda's mind too.....i found that working my program, getting serious about emotional sobriety was the answer.....recovery aint easy, but it is simple.....i call it my life 101.....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I too have a severe physically dependent alcoholic son of 38 years of age. He lost a great job of 14 years for being on the job with .10 BAC. So he does not get unemployment benefits. There has been 2 rehabs and 2 hospitalizations since.
He now says he drinks less than he was before his last hospitalization... Of course we kniow that is not true and will escalate each time he starts up again.
He lives over 100 miles away and calls (too)frequently to tell me about his "bad luck". He must be living on withdrawls from his IRA/401K. He has no insurance and has a $11,000 bill from his last hospitalization...bad luck, you know.
Having a child who is killing himself with alcohol is agony. Every unexpected phone call is potentially another call regarding yet another hospital emergency.
He will not accept a HP and I am trying not to let this drag me down. It is a huge challange to "let go and let God" but I am tring - hard.
You are not alone! I know that doesn't make it all better but knowing that others understand how you feel, really does help.
Let's pray for eachother and our children. We can also ask the HP for a more peaceful 2014.
